Police Refuse to Comment
Unknown Assassin Still on the Loose!
SPI ALBUQUERQUE -- Amidst rumors of extra-terrestrial contact, well-known UFO skeptic, James Carlson, was admitted to Presbyterian Memorial Hospital in Albuquerque, New Mexico, yesterday for symptoms that include a penile erection involuntarily sustained for over 7-hours. A member of the hospital staff who wishes to preserve anonymity stated that Carlson denies taking any medications that may have induced the condition, an admission that has been confirmed by negative findings on all of the lab work the case has generated.
Carlson is best known amongst the UFO proponent community for his lengthy and exhaustive responses to theories and propositions reflected in the works of UFO scientist and boy band enthusiast Robert Hastings. When asked to comment on Carlson's condition, Hastings grudgingly opined, "it couldn't happen to a nicer guy."
Upon being told of Hastings' comment, Carlson's wife, Ruth, asserted, "you're damn right!" Carlson, we have been told, was completely disabled by the incident and was expected to sleep for at least 12-hours.
When asked to explain whether there was some incident that may have contributed to his rigid circumstance, Carlson stated wearily, "I'm really in a lot of pain right now, so is there some way we can maybe conduct this little back and forth later?" Unfortunately, the treatment being considered at the time could have had severe repercussions if combined with the wrong medication or food additives, according to our source. Carlson was eventually forced to admit that twenty minutes "or so" prior to the condition's onset, he "was bitten by some bug, like a beetle, except it was colored dark red and had some bright crimson stripes going length-wise on its back. I slapped at it in when it bit me, and it dropped and made a clanging kind of noise. I looked at it closer, and the damn thing was made of metal that was painted red! I tried to pick it up, but it had a little reservoir of green liquid that opened up and dissolved the whole thing in just a couple of seconds. I don't know where it came from and I don't know what it stuck me with, but my little condition started up a few minutes later. It made walking difficult."
Upon his admission that he and his wife Ruth had been shopping at an area mall when the incident occurred, The Saucerologist asked Carlson why it took him nearly five hours to admit himself to the hospital. He replied, "we were shopping."
"You were shopping for five hours?"
"Yes," he replied. "According to my wife, we had a lot of shopping to do."
"I wanted to get some drapes," confirmed his wife, Ruth. "We also needed some new pillows for the upstairs bedroom. As for my husband, he had to come along, because I think it's good for him to take a more active role in the shopping, particularly when it comes to getting the groceries, which we never finished doing, thanks to his damn penis!"
Noted skeptic admits himself to Albuquerque hospital
Lab work failed to confirm Carlson's story, but also did nothing to expose it as other than true. Rumors associated with the incident have now multiplied at the hospital, and true to form, E.T. is being blamed for the courtesy it accordingly granted the UFO skeptic. "I heard it wasn't really a beetle at all, but a tiny flying saucer," reported one of the nurses. "Please don't include my name in your story. I don't want my patients to think I'm some kind of crank, you know? It tends to take away from one's efficiency as a healer. Unless you're one of those Isuzu shamans. They're still around, aren't they? You know; shaman healers? Like in Peru?"
One young patient who gave his age as "I'm four," told reporters that "The Beatles did it! They come from Mars!" Neither Paul McCartney nor Ringo Starr were available to comment on the matter.
Repplesmunck Yoleoderff, a much respected Gray Alien and a regular respondent to email queries or telephone calls from The Saucerologist, surprised those manning the night desk, when he reached out to us without first requiring any polite entreaties on our part. Regular readers of The Saucerologist will recall that Yoleoderff is one of the original Gray Alien Ambassadors to Earth. He is currently aboard the Alien dock of the International Space Station for his annual dark matter re-calibration stigmata.
His comments in regard to this story were, frankly, somewhat shocking, particularly as they represent an admitted instance of very rare interference by Gray Aliens with human affairs.
Yoleoderff's tone was serious: "You should probably inform Mr. Carlson that he was a very definite target for assassination who came very close to dying in a great deal of pain as his cellular structure disintegrated over the course of several hours. My people saved his life by injecting him with a serum specifically created to offset the poison that he had unknowingly absorbed. The poison was purposely introduced into his nervous system while he was waiting for the bus he takes every morning to go to work. He probably thought it was a mosquito, because he slapped at it. Unfortunately, it wasn't a mosquito, but a poison shell of plasticine that was wrapped up in a little piece of toilet paper, so it probably looked like a spitball.
"Anyway, the morning darkness made it impossible for us to identify the assailant, but the poison was immediately discovered before the artificial enzymes inclusive to the serum were fully activated, which is a a tendency some element-free chemicals have developed in response to the automated Google Earth scans used to identify the radioactive initiators that are associated with such compounds. And before you dwell on it too much, YES, we did hack Google Earth, but only to improve its capabilities, an act that we refused to complete until we had already secured the unconditional support of the governments currently empowered by the people of the United States and Canada, as well as the software developers who no longer have a legal right to the applications, but do possess a symbolic concern that we try to preserve whenever possible.
"We used a data-gathering vehicle -- the beetle-shaped delivery system -- as the injector that was thereby administered to Mr. Carlson, albeit without his knowledge or consent. For that, we apologize, but the time was somewhat short for observing all the niceties, so we chose to ignore them. The injector, by the way, was made of an experimental supercoiled porcelain, not metal; the effect was the same, however, so there's all of that. Our intent was to save a life, and we succeeded.
"Mr. Carlson, however, would do well to remember that the assassin was not identified, so there's every reason to believe that his motivation is still active as well." James Carlson could not be reached for comment, but we assume he's thankful, even though he believes that Yoleoderff is merely a figment of The Saucerologist's imagination.
The Saucerologist filed a query with Albuquerque Police Department, but they insist that there was no such attempted murder, and had no intention of investigating such a crime until it's either proven to have occurred, or until Mr. Carlson requests that such an investigation be conducted. An anonymous source within the department insisted that while an investigation folder may not be assigned or officially opened, someone would indeed initiate some inquiries, if only to determine whether such a crime was being purposely silenced. "It's a standard tactic that almost all police departments adopt in matters like this -- well, not EXACTLY like this, but, well you get idea, right?"
The Saucerologist certainly does.
This is a Saucer Press International Publication