Skeptic Attempts to Debunk 7-Hours of Life-Saving Shimmy-Shammy

Police Refuse to Comment

Unknown Assassin Still on the Loose!

SPI ALBUQUERQUE -- Amidst rumors of extra-terrestrial contact, well-known UFO skeptic, James Carlson, was admitted to Presbyterian Memorial Hospital in Albuquerque, New Mexico, yesterday for symptoms that include a penile erection involuntarily sustained for over 7-hours.  A member of the hospital staff who wishes to preserve anonymity stated that Carlson denies taking any medications that may have induced the condition, an admission that has been confirmed by negative findings on all of the lab work the case has generated. 

Carlson is best known amongst the UFO proponent community for his lengthy and exhaustive responses to theories and propositions reflected in the works of UFO scientist and boy band enthusiast Robert Hastings. When asked to comment on Carlson's condition, Hastings grudgingly opined, "it couldn't happen to a nicer guy."

Upon being told of Hastings' comment, Carlson's wife, Ruth, asserted, "you're damn right!"  Carlson, we have been told, was completely disabled by the incident and was expected to sleep for at least 12-hours.

When asked to explain whether there was some incident that may have contributed to his rigid circumstance, Carlson stated wearily, "I'm really in a lot of pain right now, so is there some way we can maybe conduct this little back and forth later?"  Unfortunately, the treatment being considered at the time could have had severe repercussions if combined with the wrong medication or food additives, according to our source.  Carlson was eventually forced to admit that twenty minutes "or so" prior to the condition's onset, he "was bitten by some bug, like a beetle, except it was colored dark red and had some bright crimson stripes going length-wise on its back.  I slapped at it in when it bit me, and it dropped and made a clanging kind of noise.  I looked at it closer, and the damn thing was made of metal that was painted red!  I tried to pick it up, but it had a little reservoir of green liquid that opened up and dissolved the whole thing in just a couple of seconds.  I don't know where it came from and I don't know what it stuck me with, but my little condition started up a few minutes later.  It made walking difficult."

Upon his admission that he and his wife Ruth had been shopping at an area mall when the incident occurred, The Saucerologist asked Carlson why it took him nearly five hours to admit himself to the hospital.  He replied, "we were shopping." 

"You were shopping for five hours?" 

"Yes," he replied. "According to my wife, we had a lot of shopping to do."

"I wanted to get some drapes," confirmed his wife, Ruth.  "We also needed some new pillows for the upstairs bedroom.  As for my husband, he had to come along, because I think it's good for him to take a more active role in the shopping, particularly when it comes to getting the groceries, which we never finished doing, thanks to his damn penis!"

Noted skeptic admits himself to Albuquerque hospital

Lab work failed to confirm Carlson's story, but also did nothing to expose it as other than true. Rumors associated with the incident have now multiplied at the hospital, and true to form, E.T. is being blamed for the courtesy it accordingly granted the UFO skeptic.  "I heard it wasn't really a beetle at all, but a tiny flying saucer," reported one of the nurses. "Please don't include my name in your story.  I don't want my patients to think I'm some kind of crank, you know?  It tends to take away from one's efficiency as a healer.  Unless you're one of those Isuzu shamans.  They're still around, aren't they? You know; shaman healers? Like in Peru?"

One young patient who gave his age as "I'm four," told reporters that "The Beatles did it! They come from Mars!" Neither Paul McCartney nor Ringo Starr were available to comment on the matter.

Repplesmunck Yoleoderff, a much respected Gray Alien and a regular respondent to email queries or telephone calls from The Saucerologist, surprised those manning the night desk, when he reached out to us without first requiring any polite entreaties on our part. Regular readers of The Saucerologist will recall that Yoleoderff is one of the original Gray Alien Ambassadors to Earth. He is currently aboard the Alien dock of the International Space Station for his annual dark matter re-calibration stigmata.

  

His comments in regard to this story were, frankly, somewhat shocking, particularly as they represent an admitted instance of very rare interference by Gray Aliens with human affairs.

Yoleoderff's tone was serious:  "You should probably inform Mr. Carlson that he was a very definite target for assassination who came very close to dying in a great deal of pain as his cellular structure disintegrated over the course of several hours.  My people saved his life by injecting him with a serum specifically created to offset the poison that he had unknowingly absorbed. The poison was purposely introduced into his nervous system while he was waiting for the bus he takes every morning to go to work.  He probably thought it was a mosquito, because he slapped at it.  Unfortunately, it wasn't a mosquito, but a poison shell of plasticine that was wrapped up in a little piece of toilet paper, so it probably looked like a spitball.

"Anyway, the morning darkness made it impossible for us to identify the assailant, but the poison was immediately discovered before the artificial enzymes inclusive to the serum were fully activated, which is a a tendency some element-free chemicals have developed in response to the automated Google Earth scans used to identify the radioactive initiators that are associated with such compounds.  And before you dwell on it too much, YES, we did hack Google Earth, but only to improve its capabilities, an act that we refused to complete until we had already secured the unconditional support of the governments currently empowered by the people of the United States and Canada, as well as the software developers who no longer have a legal right to the applications, but do possess a symbolic concern that we try to preserve whenever possible.

"We used a data-gathering vehicle -- the beetle-shaped delivery system -- as the injector that was thereby administered to Mr. Carlson, albeit without his knowledge or consent. For that, we apologize, but the time was somewhat short for observing all the niceties, so we chose to ignore them. The injector, by the way, was made of an experimental supercoiled porcelain, not metal; the effect was the same, however, so there's all of that. Our intent was to save a life, and we succeeded.

"Mr. Carlson, however, would do well to remember that the assassin was not identified, so there's every reason to believe that his motivation is still active as well." James Carlson could not be reached for comment, but we assume he's thankful, even though he believes that Yoleoderff is merely a figment of The Saucerologist's imagination.

The Saucerologist filed a query with Albuquerque Police Department, but they insist that there was no such attempted murder, and had no intention of investigating such a crime until it's either proven to have occurred, or until Mr. Carlson requests that such an investigation be conducted.  An anonymous source within the department insisted that while an investigation folder may not be assigned or officially opened, someone would indeed initiate some inquiries, if only to determine whether such a crime was being purposely silenced.  "It's a standard tactic that almost all police departments adopt in matters like this -- well, not EXACTLY like this, but, well you get idea, right?"

The Saucerologist certainly does.

This is a Saucer Press International Publication

Conspiracy to Weaken European Defenses Discovered at U.N.

Valuable Assets Purposely Diverted

"We Should be Fighting ISIS, not F***ing Lizard-men!"

SPI BUCHAREST - Already well-known for publishing the recordings of UFO witness statements pre-edited to suggest the presence of UFOs that could not otherwise be supported by objective facts, American UFOlogist and publisher Frank Warren recently added a bright new feather to his cap:  investigative journalist and dedicated enemy of old-world Jihadist terrorism.  “I was just listening to the week’s log of tapes with a little more care than everybody else, I suppose.  When the Romanian’s started talking up their Lizard-men defenses, I admit, I found it somewhat alarming.  Freaking Lizard-men, y’know?  I hate those guys.”  Warren refused to comment on State Department claims that the recording system he and a number of his colleagues have established over the years at various United Nations "clean" sites is a criminal act that will ultimately put them in jail!

The recording that Warren's log referred to was of a single conversation associated with the Romanian offices that took place on the evening of December 19, 2015 between Dr. Dan D. Farcaș and Dr. Emil Străinu.  The two men have been writing partners for years, primarily on the topic of UFOs.  Their point-of-view is generally considered to be alarmist and riddled with paranoid suppositions and fantasies.

Dr. Dan D. Farcaș, an adviser to the World Health Organization's National Center for Health Statistics considered a valuable asset when Romania was first being considered for membership in the European Union, is currently working in an advisory capacity for the United Nations' Committee on Health and International Relations.  He professes to be deeply concerned about various tactical maneuvers that have recently been advanced "by apparently unidentifiable individuals" against the health informatics system in Romania.  According to Farcaș, these unnamed individuals are "essentially forcing this computerized system designed to house medical informatics data for the next century to evolve well beyond its normal capabilities.  We still don't have any idea what it's turning into, and we're concerned that the motivation for change may be malicious."

General Dr. Emil Străinu is a retired Brigadier General who served in the Romanian armed forces for many years as an expert in radiolocation -- radar technology.  He was awarded his doctorate either in the field of geophysical war or in the study of unconventional threats, an odd diversity that seems to be completely dependent on who you ask.  Unfortunately, the General refused to respond at all to our numerous queries, leaving us and the rest of the world somewhat bemused.  Aside from being the one-time host of his own television series entitled "The Conspiracy of Silence" (Conspiraţia tăcerii), Străinu has also been a well-respected, albeit somewhat frightening, advisor to the Romanian Parliament on "Unconventional Issues and Asymmetrical Threats", Director of "The Special Situations and Research Center on UFOs and Psychotronic Research", and the primary founder of the "Association for the Study of Unidentified Aerospace Phenomena."  Sources close to this story have advised "The Saucerologist" that "the safest reference for publication rights is to drop the messy stuff and just refer to the General as an 'occult lecturer'.  Frankly, we're not even sure if his uniform is real."

The conversation between Farcaș and Străinu is at its best when it unfolds naturally, so we're happy to include the following transcript, all of the contents of which have been kindly confirmed and spell-checked by Mr. Frank Warren of the UFO Chronicles, which will be resurrected, we understand, (at least in Eastern Europe), as "The Warren Report".  Translation services were very kindly donated by a series of “bioenergetic corpuscular unidirectional emissions atypical in the structure of the human bio-field”, which is essentially a man-made, spiritual energy reservoir that was created in 1989 by Vasile Rudan, a known associate of the “Zero Division” leadership of the Romanian Secret Police (Securitatea). "The Grief", as the bio-energy reservoir refers to itself, successfully sued its maker for complete dominance of its own life force in 1997.  Today, it lives primarily on the internet.  In an introductory statement offered to "The Saucerologist" when it first volunteered its services, The Grief affirmed that few life forms are aware of its presence, which is one reason it wanted to establish some kind of friendly relationship with those very few personalities it has come to rely on for companionship.

The following transcripts of the conversation between Dr. Dan D. Farcaș and Dr. Emil Străinu represent the startling application of the translation skills offered to "The Saucerologist" by the man-made energy reservoir that calls itself The Grief:

Farcaș:      Yes, hello?

Străinu:     Just me. I heard from Mircea.  Finally.

Farcaș:      And?

Străinu:     He's a sensible man.  He says even the appearance that we are soft on ISIS will force the Ukraine to camp on our borders and refuse to allow any crossing by many thousands of refugees justly trying their hardest to get to Germany.  We would be forced to open completely our passes into Hungary and Bulgaria.  They would then shut the borders down and that would convince Russia to increase their naval presence on the Black Sea  And you know what that would do.

Farcaș:    Pull the main portion of their advisors and security police off the borders of Belarus and out of the Azov.

General Dr. Emil Străinu

Străinu:     Yes.  Giving away that very expensive free will to every Lizard and crossbreed out of both Turkey and Poland.  It wouldn't be a very amusing summer of fun, would it?

Farcaș:      Yes, but what can we do?

Străinu:    Only one thing we can do from a military perspective.  We have to put all of our troops on the already closed borders south of us, and lean hard on the Navy to remain in port and try not to piss off any Russians whining about keeping open all those sea lanes of communication.  We end up looking like pussies afraid of do-nothing ISIS to a bunch of American pig counters who apparently don't know the difference between a Muslim who cares for nothing except whether or not his eldest son still reads the Koran, and a bored fifteen year old Jewish girl who wants to be a revolutionary so her daddy will burn his NRA card!  But if we decide not to look like pussies, we give those goddamn Lizard-men the keys to the only Prius in Bucharest -- which I know is yours, my friend.  I am so sorry.

Farcaș:      It is nothing.  Can we not interest the Americans in joining our great struggle?

Străinu:     They care nothing for us or our concerns.

Farcaș:    That's not entirely true, Emil.  They care a very great deal about the terrorist threat, and have fought very well and with much enthusiasm against ISIS.  They understand that we are not in the war at 100% as they are, but they are very thankful nonetheless for everything that we do for them, and for every bit of help we manage to offer.  They are, however, completely anal on the subject of terror.  Which is surprising, really, because they have not the slightest idea what true terror really is.

Străinu:    Few people not raised in the shadows of Transylvania forests do.  But the Americans are worse than others.  I tried to tell them about the Lizard threat many years ago, and they laughed at me.

Farcaș:    One man laughs at you, and you develop an opinion about three-hundred millions who do not?

Străinu:    It was closer to four-thousand men who laughed.  I was delivering part of a symposium on new and radical threats to our western alliance at the time.  It was a truly disturbing evening.

Farcaș:     The point is, I doubt they knew better.  Very few men have direct knowledge as you do about the threat the Lizard-men embody.  They don't believe that an intelligent creature can be so consciously evil -- not even in the context of witchcraft.  Do you know that it's been over three-hundred years since they last executed a witch?  Today, if you refuse to serve a witch in your restaurant, that witch can sue you for prejudicial acts that interfere with their free choice of religion!

Străinu:     You must be joking.  Why would their victims accept such a cruel response from their own government?  Why would they not even respond to curses and bad luck?

Farcaș:      This is what they believe.  It's part of their Constitution.

Străinu:     No wonder they don't care about the Lizards; their own laws are more of a threat than the Lizards could ever be!

Farcaș:      In some cases, yes.  You must admit, however, that they have been effective against ISIS; and dedicated as well.

Străinu:   And this is why we must keep our present order of battle secret from the Americans.  If they discover that we have diverted funds granted to us to further the American War on Terror within the borders of Romania, they might respond with more negativity than we are prepared to justify.

Farcaș:     Our threat is greater. Compared to the Lizard-men, ISIS is cheap, vodka-free entertainment. What else is there?

Străinu:     Well, we have provided much humanitarian assistance, and we have allowed them to build a missile defense system at the cost of our somewhat tenuous relationship with Russia.  Surely the Americans will take that into account.  We're all NATO around here, yes?

Farcaș:     We are NATO. They are American.  They are perpetually at war. The Lizards must have infiltrated their government decades ago.

Străinu:     And?

  Dr. Dan D. Farcaș



Farcaș:     As you have said it:   we must preserve the secrecy of our order of battle. Diverted funds?  We have no idea what you're talking about.  Lizard-men? What?  Are you insane? Be honest now. We expect the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me God. Seriously, Emil. Why is it you just can't play a little stupid and then go back to fighting our little war? It's not like we're acting suspiciously, or something; it's not like their F.B.I. is tapping our phones. You haven't heard anything odd, have you?  On the phones? Have you anything at all that might be suspicious?

Străinu:    Nothing -- we'll be fine.  So we'll take their money and we'll take their missile defense technology and we'll apply it like a topical right where it really needs to go: to the Lizard-men.  Then we just convince the Americans that we are still very deeply concerned about their incomparable War on Terror and their headphones and bugs and things.

Farcaș:     It's scary to even think about -- waitaminute; you're not on a cell phone are you? Emil?  You are!  You're on a fucking cell phone!  Goddamn it Emil, how many times do we have to have this conversation?  No cell phone, got it?  No fucking cell phones!!

Străinu:     Will you just calm down?  Please, will --

Farcaș:    No, I will not fucking calm down!  I am out ... I am not having this conversation again.  For God's sake, we're already wide open to remote psychics, and now you want us to be wide open to simple technology as well? I'm hanging up now, Emil.

Străinu:     Wait, wait, wait!!  I'm not finished telling you about --

Farcaș:     You can write me a fucking letter, Emil.  Enough!!

This conversation recorded by Frank Warren and friends has already resulted in some spectacular fireworks between the United States and Romania.  Romania, in fact, insists that these two men --  Dr. Dan D. Farcaș and Dr. Emil Străinu -- are no longer associated with the legal government in any capacity, and have not been since 2008. U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry, however, has made his views notably apparent: "The United States has granted the government of Romania millions in financial aid intended to be used in our mutually beneficial War on Terror, and we expect Romania to honor the spirit of this cooperation between our two great nations.  All of the Lizard crap, however, is not only a poor policy decision on Romania's part, it's also insulting as Hell! Lizard-men, for God's sake? We're at war with jihadist maniacs, not a weird tribe of Komodo Dragons!  We should be fighting ISIS, not f***ing Lizard-men!

Lizard-men responsible
for NATO crisis

"Our relationship with Romania has been essentially severed, something I never thought I'd ever say when referring to another member of NATO. That valued alliance now needs to be reassessed completely. Romania needs to examine its actions in the context of its international obligations.

"As for Frank Warren and his UFO Chronicles spy station, they need to tell us immediately what phones have been bugged and where exactly those phones are located.  They cannot create a legal system on the basis of what information they insist should be released to them.  And the fact that they have made a garbage dump of international law and procedure because of what they believe the status quo should represent would be hilarious if it wasn't such an egregious and unconditionally exclusive violation of our deepest legal issues.  Our foreign relationships are based on trust and our mutual resolve to combat our common enemies.  I assure you, we take this sort of crime very seriously, and eventually Warren and his own allies will become very well acquainted with the wrong side of those eight-by-twelve foot cells in one of a dozen federal penitentiaries."

When asked who specifically was having their telephone calls monitored and recorded, Frank Warren stated, "Well, I - uh - I assume you know this, but we're not talking about a single tape recording on a single telephone, here; we're talking about an entire tape recording system."  Warren later corrected himself, and insisted that there were no tape recordings.  "It's all digital, of course.  There are no actual tapes.  I'm an old man, and I still think in terms of tape recorders and Watergate, y'know?  We're just talking about monitored broadcasts intended to entrap government officials all over the world who might be talking about UFOs and the plans and things aliens are preparing or actually going through with on our planet.  We have a right to know all of this, and so we monitor all of their calls."

According to the Warren Report, the system is triggered by alarm words in numerous languages that set the system's record state to active.  This is precisely what triggered the recordings originating within the Romanian office suites.  Warren insists that these triggering phrases guarantee that no recordings will be examined except those very few that discuss UFOs and alien interference in regard to human affairs.  "We were very serious about preserving civil privacy at all levels; but when the conversation is steered toward the characteristics of UFO s and flying saucers, it is our duty to listen in on it."

Warren willingly admitted that the UFO Chronicles spy system -- dubbed such after the significant internet presence Warren has already established -- was remarkably easy to install.  "Right after 9-11, we could have put up any kind of system we wanted.  Nobody even bothered to ask us for identification -- I was just stunned -- stunned and a little alarmed, but not so much that I would willingly jeopardize the process we had already accomplished.  Our goals are far more important than any system or application the United Nations is likely to employ.  The fact that we were able to commit ourselves and our worldly needs to realize these uniquely aggressive tactics and goals speaks volumes in regard to our commitment.

"We would tell folks that we were adding some new tech security protocols to already online systems, and they basically said, 'you go, girl!'  Well, not to me, I mean, but to the girls that we used to install the recording equipment.  We got really cute girls working for us, and they volunteered to do the job pro bono if they were allowed to keep the phone numbers of some of the guys working in the offices.  It was kind of funny, too; we actually got into the habit of classifying their accomplishments as 'pre boner'.  You know -- instead of 'pro bono'.  We laughed a lot over that one.

"Ironically, we ended up completing the Eastern Europe online monitors first, so I don't imagine they were able to hook up with many of those guys to have a little fun.  A lot of those places don't seem to believe in fun; it's up there with 'God' or something.  They sure as hell believe in UFOs, though!  Man, there's some weird stuff coming out of the old Slavic states!  We figure that most of it was probably the result of some pretty severe mental health issues, but they couldn't ALL be due to folks catching the early crazy train, could they?  And that means that some of it has to be true, which makes our apparently extra-legal explorations well justified in my opinion.  Others probably look at it a little differently by now.  I might look at it a little differently myself, once we get to court!"

The National Security Agency insists that Frank Warren and his cronies not only have no right to monitor the telephone calls of anybody, and doing so constitutes a very serious crime that will more than likely be brought to the attention of a grand jury once criminal charges have been properly applied. State Department spokesman, John Kirby, was openly contemptuous about these UFOlogy claims.  "The United Nations is rightfully outraged! This UFO crap isn't even funny anymore.  We're talking about a serious crime that's been committed -- and for all we know is still being committed -- merely to entrap government officials who talk about UFOs!  As if we're so stupid that we'd discuss such matters like this openly.

"These fanatics are going to jail; it's just a matter of when and for how long."

State Department spokesman, John Kirby, made it equally clear that Warren and his friends possess no legal justification to listen in on the private discussions of diplomats and governors from any nation on Earth, including the 500-Nations recognized throughout the American West.  "They don't even have the right to monitor whatever their own government wants to discuss.  These UFO guys are complete idiots.  They think they have a right to know everything going on around them, because it's a free country or some such crap.  Well, I assure you, they're going to find out pretty quickly that it is not a free country and that criminals who think it is go directly to jail just as quickly as drug dealers and pedophiles do!  They build up this UFO presence so much in their heads that they think it deserves its own ethical system.  Well it doesn't.  These guys are criminals and the State Department, in collusion with the Department of Justice, is going to treat them like criminals."

This is a Saucer Press International Publication