Starbuck's X'mas Controversy Leads to Great Revelations

Here's another blast from the past, originally published Wednesday, December 2, 2015.  We'll return to our Roswell narrative when the full context of Mr. Roger Cragget's obsession with fake news is fully investigated.  We appreciate your patience.

Divinity Claimed by Muhammad, St. Paul and Others was a Genetic Mistake!

(and Jesus was a terrible dancer)

SPI PHILADELPHIA, PA - Frufrick Sturplefloss, self-anointed residential coordinator for the Bethlehem, Pennsylvania Tourist Board, has stormed right into the Starbucks "Happy Holidays" coffee cup controversy, and the GOP is not too happy about it!  Republican strategists only created the issue to gauge conservative voters' willingness to aggressively stage an argument centered on meaningless, trivial issues as opposed to matters of worthwhile concern, so Sturplefloss' forced entry into this heartfelt, albeit pointless discussion was completely unexpected.  Even worse, Sturplefloss, it seems, is defending the Republican point-of-view for reasons that most conservative politicos have every reason to avoid:  it draws attention to their common want of divinity.

Frufrick Sturplefloss, a Gray Alien born in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania on Christmas morning, 1998, has been preaching the Gospel According to Frufrick since watching Stephen Spielberg's "E.T." when he was just a young pup.  "That is MY story," Sturplefloss insists.  "I am the E.T. who suffers the little children to come unto me, and I judge it a damnable shame that the Starbucks Corporation has refused to celebrate my divinity simply because it prefers to be more generic with its remembrance, its now unspeakably silent disregard for the wholly celebratory Paper Cup, the Holy Grail of the Great Coffee Bean, the wide-awakening of my coming forth that signifies for all time mankind's liberation from Death.  It isn't a happy holiday, a worthless kind wish, a caffeine-free amplification of the breakfast spirit's will, by God.  It is MY birthday, and it represents the holy means by which I came to save this Earth, to save this planet from its own unholy scriptures and terror-filled drives in the muddy station-wagons, the grand Chevrolet Impalas of yesteryear.  It represents the lingering illness and stillness that refuses to curse the agitating Star Buck that has chosen to raise in ignorance the will of a great and sorely lost people selected by the cream and by the coffee to lose forevermore its brown sweetness and white sugar by ignoring ME."

When asked to explain how he came to recognize his divinity, Sturplefloss didn't exactly take his inspirational cue from the Gospel of the Coffee Bean:  "I have seen it always on the wide screens of man's youth and Enterprise that originates only within the Great Kirk. I am the Mocking Jay while the Star Buck is the Minion.  I am the Holy Bond, the double-oh-seven of the Resurrection, while It is the Sky Fall amidst the cold Spectre. Through MY heart flows the great Guyver; it is upon MY breath and through MY blessing alone that mankind shall come unto the great Narnia, the Lone Star Hobbit, for I alone am the Harry Potter's wheel and the Potter's kiln.  They are the Manson Family while I am the Manson Family Vacation; they are the Hellraiser, while I am the Raisin in the Sun. Drink deep of my wisdom, for they are the DoggieWoggiez and PoochieWoochiez, while I alone am the Samurai Cat!"

Bethlehem, Pennsylvania City Council member, Robert Saxony, a Republican, made it very clear that neither he nor his party supported Sturplefloss' claims.  "Personally, I think he's insane.  For one thing, there is no Bethlehem, Pennsylvania Tourist Board, which means there is no residential coordinator for the Bethlehem, Pennsylvania Tourist Board.  He's just a freaked-out Gray Alien with delusions of grandeur!  He thinks that 'cause he was born in Bethlehem on Christmas Day, that he must be the new Jesus Christ.  Well, it's nothing but babbling as far as I'm concerned.  Babbling and blasphemy!"

Donald Trump weighs in

GOP front runner Donald Trump made his views equally clear:  "If I was a practicing Christian, I'd be pissed off with this alien Jesus Christ wannabee and his blatant desegregation of Christmas.  Don't get me wrong, I'm as much a Christian as any other New Yorker, but I don't need to practice it half as much as a lot of folks do -- y'know like that black Muslim nation or those yellow Shinto freaks with their fat little Buddhas.  They need to practice their Christianity a whole lot more than I do.  Frankly, I'll be the best damn Christian that the White House ever saw if I'm elected President, and you can bet that I'd force the rest of Washington, DC to go Christian as well -- I'd put it in the Constitution that you can't be an elected official unless you're a Christian, and you'd have to prove it.  Somebody just give me a damn pen and it would be done.  That Constitutional right that the President can change what's in the Constitution is one power of the Executive that I'd be using a whole lot.  You look at all the statistics, and you'll notice right off the bat that most of our Presidents hardly ever take advantage of that Executive right; it's like they're afraid of the Supreme Court or something, which is just a joke!  That wouldn't be me, I assure you.  I'd be making important and near perfect corrections all over the place, just like George Washington did.  And I'd get rid of those damn Gray Aliens in exactly the same way.  I'd be the greatest damn anti-alien President this country ever saw.  And I'd get rid of soccer, too -- just to prove I could do it!" 

Eager to get a story that didn't look like more of Donald Trump's complete crap, representatives of The Saucerologist managed to secure a short telephone interview with one of the original Gray Alien Ambassadors, Repplesmunck Yoleoderff, just before he left for his annual dark matter recalibration stigmata aboard the Alien dock to the International Space Station.  Yoleoderff makes a clear case that the faulty fruit under examination does not originate with the Gray Aliens, but with Earthborn humans. 

The Saucerologist:  Can you explain for our readers why you believe an obviously disturbed Gray Alien isn't responsible for his own actions?  You've said that the fault ultimately lies within human biology.  Well, most humans won't look at it that way, not without some kind of explanation.

Yoleoderff:  Like most of those who come to believe they possess some form of divinity, Frufrick Sturplefloss's human DNA is entirely to blame.  He may look like a pure-breed Gray Alien, but he is not.  He is a result of my people's ancient attempts to breed a race containing the best qualities of each of our species.  Apparently, one of humanity's better qualities is its habitual and oftentimes bitterly pronounced contempt for others.  When that quality is combined with my species' humility and its spiritually-based desire to crush and then wipe-out all opponents to those missions intended to raise the quality of existence for all creatures, the sad result is exactly what you see here:  the assumed grandeur of the divine, and the eventual assumption of God-hood.  I understand the breeding project is still active, but I don't believe there have been any significant advances at all.  Unfortunately, it used to be quite common for those born as a result of our breeding program who also possessed the strength to survive childhood to believe that they possessed a unique spirit, a quality of the divine that other individuals did not possess.  I can assure you as a direct witness to many of these incidents that it rarely worked out well for them or for those around them.

The Saucerologist:  Are you saying that throughout Earth's history, your people conducted breeding experiments that led to the creation of individuals who were actually divine?

Yoleoderff (laughing):  Oh, heavens no!  There's no such thing as divinity!  No, these individuals were delusional as a result of the inherent psychological contradictions that came about when the better qualities of my species and the better qualities of your species were intermingled within a single host.  And even then you have to figure in the almost typical chromosome disintegration that often took place.  I can promise you, though, that there was no real divinity, only their belief in divinity.  It certainly created a number of fascinating case files, most of which, I believe, are currently available on Amazon dot com.  Look under "false prophets" or something like that.  I recall reading that the author Colin Wilson once requested a number of files from us some years ago, so you might look under his name.  I'm sure he wrote a book or two on the subject.  For a pagan, he was very prolific considering that most of them tend to spend more time celebrating nature and the fruit of the vine than they do actually producing anything -- except more wine, I mean.  Maybe he just talked the talk, y'know?  Most modern pagans are pretty loose when attesting to their belief system, not like in the old days when someone was expected to volunteer themselves for human sacrifice every twelve years or so.  Now those guys had some real dedication to the program!  In any case, insofar as our breeding program was concerned, a lot of those guys were representative of the same type of personality that you're currently witnessing at work in the mind of Frufrick Sturplefloss.  And I promise you, past examples of the phenomena were no more divine than he is -- or you for that matter.

The Saucerologist:  You know I've got to ask this, now that you've broken the story:  who exactly is on that list of the falsely divine?  Was Jesus Christ?

Yoleoderff:  Given the personalities at work, you'd think that, wouldn't you?  But, no, he was genuinely special, as such things go -- a good man during a really rotten and brutal period in Earth history.  What he went through was just horrific, something nobody should go through, especially if you're just trying to teach people how to be better people.  He was dedicated, though.  He considered his personal mission to be a clear duty to God and to the Hebrew people, so it was surprising, really, that he embodied such considerable humility.  Usually, the assumption of duty makes a man proud, which can turn him into a bit of a dick -- an annoyance more than a teacher worthy of anybody's admiration.  With Yeshua, the man called the Christ, we have the example of a quiet yet brilliant mind, who was also an absolutely terrible dancer.  And, oddly enough, it was this quality that made him such a significantly humble example of a man who acts upon his own assumed definition of duty, because dancing was so incredibly important to the Hebrews.  

Jesus joins in the Dance

That's something you really don't hear about a lot, but it was a plain fact of life amongst many pre-diaspora Jews, especially in Judea.  A lot of dance was ritualized, but it was also an expression of great joy, which was considered a valid and important aspect of worship -- possibly the most important.  King David was a fine dancer, who danced in the streets to celebrate his God and his Rule.  The bringing of the Ark of the Covenant to Jerusalem inspired King David and his subjects to dance before God.  He was known to leap, twist, spin himself silly, jump with both feet into the air, and it was all centered in his religious and worshipful joy.  This was typical of his sons as well. Yeshua, on the other hand, was just clumsy, and that made him appear more than a little creepy when he tried to focus on the dance.  His mother used to laugh at him mercilessly for it!

This practice of dancing was exactly the sort of act that people are supposed to lose themselves in -- it's the whole point of dance as a part of celebration and worship.  But Yeshua the Christ was uncoordinated and clumsy, so he tended to focus on the details, on the steps of the dance, to formalize his own joy.  And, of course, this just made things even worse.  The man had no sense of grace at all.  Eventually, he reached the conclusion that he could never truly worship his God in the instinctual and joyful manner that he desperately desired, so he simply quit trying.  Instead, he came to believe himself duty bound to help others worship properly; he got rid of that internally directed focus on himself and his dancing and re-centered it instead outside of himself.  He focused his joy outward on other people.  

Yeshua saw something that others couldn't:  that people were so concerned about trying to reach their God in joyful communion that they became unable to lose themselves in their worship of God.  His greatest gift was his elucidation of what was primarily an emotional and instinctual belief that the worship of God had little real worth unless the worshiper lost himself in the process, thereby allowing God, as he saw it, to possess man in reckless abandon.  He taught desperate men that their inability to lose themselves in worship trapped them in a never-ending loop of despair.  Privately, he equated the inability of others to properly worship God with his own inability to lose himself in dance.  He sincerely believed that most of the Hebrews of his time had way too much focus and nowhere near enough depth.  To remedy that trait, he taught people that they didn't have to try so hard to get into the Kingdom of God, because they were already there.  In the long run, his handicap of being such a terrible dancer helped him to become a great man and a fine teacher.  

Unfortunately, he neglected to teach that lesson to both the Sadducees and their Roman overseers, so they misinterpreted everything he had to say, and convinced themselves that it was just easier to get rid of him, than to try and understand him.

Ironically, Paul -- the one who was named Saul by his parents -- was very much a product of our breeding program.  He wanted so much for people to consider him divine, but he was such a physically ugly man, that it just would not happen.  You can thank the Greeks for that bit of body prejudice.  Anybody beautiful within had to be beautiful without as well.  If they weren't, they ended up like Socrates -- mad, bad, and dangerous to know.  The man called St. Paul was so ugly because he was a half-breed, but he was a great talker and traveler who was also easily bored, and that was part of his charm. He decided to make Yeshua a God, since he couldn't be one himself.  He had some weird dream of becoming the first Pope, divine by right of conquest, or some such foolish thing, but he didn't know that Peter already had that job nailed down, and he had no intention of giving it away.  

Most of the half-breeds my people came up with were not completely brilliant, and they often came up with terrible coping strategies as a result.  It's why so many of them died when they were so young.  They basically made targets of themselves.

The Saucerologist:  So you're saying that Socrates was also in your breeding program?

Yoleoderff:  Oh, no -- he was just a very ugly, little man, so his arrogance tended to bother people.  He should have tried to control what others said about him a little more. It probably would have helped him a lot if only he had the civil authority to do what the Great Islamic Prophet Muhammad did:  make it a crime to depict him or otherwise describe him to others.  It was a brilliant means of controlling the message, and Muhammad was the first person in history to do so in such an effective way.  Of course, he absolutely had to do it, because he was also in our breeding program, and he definitely looked the part.  The Gray Alien genes really stood out a lot in him, so he had an image problem that needed to be addressed.

The Saucerologist:  I always thought that the Muslims came up with that rule because they were trying to prevent the early adherents to Islam from backsliding into idolatry. You know:  if they can't paint pictures or create statues of the Great Prophet Muhammad, then those members of the church who were raised by their parents as pagans would be less inclined to worship those portraits and those statues of the Prophet when things went bad for them.  If they don't have the actual idols to worship, than they're forced to continue worshipping the undefined image of Allah as taught to them by the undefined image of the Great Prophet Muhammad. 



The Great Prophet, Muhammad

Yoleoderff:  No, no, that's not even close.  After all, backsliders were simply executed.  The early Muslims made it a crime to physically depict the Prophet or otherwise describe his physical form to others, because he wasn't entirely human, and his physical features made that extremely obvious.  It was already a social taboo to depict the physical form of Allah, and that taboo, of course, came about in order to discourage idolatry.  Muhammad, however, was considered a Prophet, not a God.  They made it a crime to depict his image for two reasons:  first, they didn't want possible converts to know what he looked like.  He not only understood and took to heart the lesson of St. Paul, he also realized that he was a target for assassination, and any description of him -- or worse, a picture -- would have endangered both him and the new religion of Islam that he was espousing.  And two, he thought they could get away with it. History proves he was right.  

In any case, it was due to this early taboo regarding the depiction of his physical looks that the Great Prophet Muhammad and his teachings became so successfully ingrained into modern civilization.  They weren't trying to prevent the adoption of idolatry as a target of worship -- they just wanted to keep Muhammad's physical looks a secret.  And they succeeded.

The Saucerologist:  So this breeding program resulted in delusional thinking that was based on their belief that they were unique? 

Yoleoderff:  Absolutely.  The fact that they were genuinely unique is just the pile-on of more irony.  Our program was also the direct cause of living ascensions to heaven.  At some point, the chromosomal character that made such genetic wonders desperate to possess divinity just breaks down, and it happens with extreme speed.  From a short distance away, this chromosomal behavior looks like Dracula being staked out on a lovely, sunny day in July:  he immediately turns into an angry flash of cold light and a bloody mist and just drifts away on the breeze as if he never even existed.  Now that's ascension, my friend!  Just kidding.  It's actually just another hum drum death, but it looks just remarkable, so a lot people with just a tiny bit of sense suggested that this sudden cloud of red, misty blood and pheromones came about when God ascended his most holy representatives to Heaven.  Actually they just died another kind of messy death.  The closer you were, the messier it got.  It was all very dramatic really.  At least it looked that way.  

The Saucerologist:  And yet the breeding program is still active.  Why is that?

Yoleoderff:  Why do you think?  False prophets tend to unite public opinion one way or the other, and that's a valuable commodity in any age.  Populations under this type of influence are either fanatical under the application of their religious beliefs, or they're fanatical in their contempt for religious belief.  Either way, they make it easy for us Gray Aliens to predict their effect on others which in turn makes control of entire societies an easy goal for us to adopt.  We use a very well constructed series of mathematical applications governed by a standard protocol that's been in use by our anthropology conditioners now for about 1600-years.  It's been tested and confirmed by quality assurance engineers throughout the entire history of its use, so we're very confident of its accuracy.  We were able to predict the conservative revolution of the 1980s under Ronald Reagan about 60-years before the United States had even declared its independence.  In fact, the first set of logarithmic predictors were actually being assessed in the 1690s!  Our temporal engineers, however, weren't confident enough in the results to act upon them until right around 1712.
 
I often wonder whether or not it would have been possible to limit the economic disaster that Reagan and his Republican cohorts precipitated if we had started acting upon those predictors in the 1690s when they were first noted.  Reagan didn't believe that a nation's debts could have any influence at all on that nation's internal economic stressors, so he didn't care much how many debts his administration needlessly assumed.  He was the first American President to create a national deficit over a trillion dollars, and the recklessness this precedent set and the fact that it was progressively reapplied by every Republican President that followed has completely ripped out the heart of the GOP's insistence that it alone possesses the moral integrity to prepare the Earth for the benefit of future populations.  The truth of the matter tells a completely different story.  Republicans throughout the 20th and, thus far, the 21st centuries have done more damage to the United States' fiscal and probative identity than the American Civil War of the 1860s.  That's what happens when you decide to declare war on science:  you lose.  Always.  You know, it becomes harder every year for the GOP to deny that its belief in a Biblical Apocalypse and its unrepentant intention to bring about that Apocalypse by any means necessary is the primary basis of its entire underlying national policy and ultimate intent.  That's why we Gray Aliens always vote Democrat; we don't want to be forced to witness the radioactive destruction of this entire planet just so the Republican Party can crow about how they're the only party in America trying to facilitate the Second Coming of Jesus Christ!

In any case, we discovered a long time ago that the polarizing nature created by the inception of false prophets and the unconditional use of outlandish prophecy by such individuals can often be used to influence entire populations, thereby allowing for some measure of control that wouldn't normally exist.  I won't go into any of the details, because the aggressive application of such knowledge by those who don't understand it can sometimes have a grave effect on the outcome, but I can tell you that my people have been diligently and tirelessly working to prevent a worldwide Apocalypse brought on by religious cranks since around 330 A.D.  The true enemy of all life is constantly attempting to expedite the Second Coming of Jesus Christ or the Advent of Allah, or the Reign of Jehovah, or God or whatever other little nickname you people have for the Prime Deity -- a Deity that I happen to know for a fact hasn't even been born yet. 

You people go on and on and on about the end of the world like it's supposed to be some great, driving force of humanity, a goal the whole universe should jump behind and give a push to, but you're always changing the silly damn rules intended to get you there!  You have no consistency at all, not even from one election to the next.  It can be very frustrating at times to try and figure you silly people out.  Humans tend to have nothing but contempt for false prophets, but until somebody in authority decides that they are indeed false, you can't help but jump out of your own skin trying to be the first in line to follow their ultimately ridiculous directions and built in, handy dandy tools for improving a perfectly acceptable life by turning it into what's usually a long, painful, ultimately meaningless and foolishly uncompromising existence!  Do you people ever bother to examine the self-imposed restrictions these maniacs convince you to adopt?  You're not supposed to mix milk with blood, a living sacrifice is better than a vegetable sacrifice, it's a sin to pack away your woolen sweaters with your cotton T-shirts, you have to love your neighbor, but if you do so too much, your neighbor has to execute you, the first man in line is an idiot, while the last man in line is a criminal for not being the first man in line, the buttress of your pain is below your glory, but forsake thee not the man who holds your heart high!  I can assure you most vigorously and with extreme sincerity that our use of such deluded individuals who invariably populate this huge, starry-eyed collection of false prophets and mockingbird gods has prevented worldwide Holocaust, Apocalypse, the end of the yellow-brick road or whatever else you want to call the very real destruction of most of the advanced life on most of this little blue planet at least eleven times in the past four-hundred and fifty years alone -- and a lot of it you people have still failed to even notice!  Because of their general delusions and outwardly directed stupidity, the false prophets of this planet you call DIRT represent tools that can be very useful in the right hands.  Look, we don't normally try to explain any of this to the Human Race.  You have a nasty habit of taking very real brilliance and dulling it to a flat gray.  Hell, every time you find a real prophet, you end up torturing him or her to death! 

Look, don't believe me -- you'll probably be happier for it -- but everything that I've said, you can actually prove.  The only prerequisites are to go to school, learn a little science, and then apply it.  I promise you, it's very easy to see the effects of that control of false prophecy and manipulated character development at any time by simply learning how to determine what events or actions or even motivations fall clearly under the direct influence of mankind's delusions of grandeur, because nine times out of ten those delusions are being influenced by those false prophets who are still around and still religiously seeking an audience to enthrall. It's very easy. Once you know what you're looking for, all of history spins nicely into place. 

The Saucerologist:  So you mean that some of these deluded cranks are still out there? They're still alive and preaching?  Now that's a news story!  So spill it, pal.  Who today is active, influential and looking to be God?

Yoleoderff:  You humans never listen.  And you never ask the hard questions.  Who do you think is at the top of the list?  It's always someone who wants to tear everything down in order to replace it with something worse, so it should be obvious. 

It's Donald Trump...  Hell, it's always been Donald Trump.

This is a Saucer Press International Publication.

Source Close to NM Congressman Promises Huge Roswell Exposure

SPI SANTA FE, NM - The Saucerologist was unexpectedly contacted this week by a gentleman who was once closely affiliated with the office of Congressman Steven Schiff, who represented the first district of New Mexico from 1989 until his death in 1998.  The information he has revealed to our researchers has proven to be of great importance to our current investigation of the alleged flying saucer incident near Roswell, New Mexico in June 1947.  This unexpected font of highly relevant information has set our story back of late, due to the need to confirm many of the aspects of the information currently under discussion among our staff.  Mr. Roger Craggett was notified as well, and he immediately went out and purchased a half-dozen shovels and a couple of picks, so we can happily report that the investigation is continuing at a pace that should produce some major new finds just in time for us to conclude the entire process and hopefully scratch the Roswell incident off of our list of unsolved mysteries.

These new branches of source materials -- ever important and resoundingly exciting -- do not exist in a vacuum or an environment of slight background noise, and has set us back a bit insofar as our scheduling of these revelations is concerned.  After all, it was very unexpected and the new data still has to be examined within the context of previously revealed information.  We have decided, therefore, to re-publish an older article this month, along with our reasons for doing so.  We want our extremely well-educated audience (when compared with the audience expected of most UFO-oriented reports and essays) to realize that we take the education of the entire world seriously, and refuse to publish materials that we know are already obsolete.  We were among the first UFO investigators and researchers to confirm the extraterrestrial link to the origins of President Donald Trump and his Presidential campaign, and the first to recognize the importance of recent Bosnian archaeological theories detailing the technical development of walls and how such complex structures were so far beyond the comprehension of humans living at the time that the only reasonable assumption well-educated historians can rely on to explain the presence of such walls throughout the world is the existence of a partnership between early Cro-Magnon hunter-gatherers and the currently hypothesized race of far more intelligent creatures from another star system. Some archaeologists, however, believe that most early walls were constructed by a race of hyper-evolved Neanderthals who would eventually disappear from the Earth, replaced by the aforementioned Cro-Magnons. Whichever the case, it is now accepted as a point of fact that mankind simply could not have invented concrete or cement without the assistance of a far more intelligent and creative species.  More importantly still, that species could not possibly have evolved as a native upon our planet home.   Had that been the case, walls would have already been built all over the world well before our cave-dwelling ancestors developed sufficient intelligence to capitalize on the idea.

Our reputation as investigative journalists and men of good faith hinges upon the quality of thinking that The Saucerologist has been responsible for since the organization was founded in 1962.  It is that quality that demands perfection wherever it can be attained. It is that quality that demands this great sacrifice of our readers, for if we published the story as it stands today, it would be incomplete before the first period is applied to paper. It would be incomplete before the first exclamation point rains down upon our mildly protuberant skulls! It would be incomplete before the first semi-colon; the first comma, or even, in the words of that revolutionary 3rd century B.C. librarian, the redoubtable Zenodotus, "the first quotation marks -- that's it; that's what I shall call them!  LOOK FATHER I HAVE INVENTED QUOTATION MARKS!  What the hell do you mean, 'why?' Goddammit! Now I have to create rules for a quote within a quote, you Iberian bastard! You can make your own damn lunch today ... I swear, I've just about had it with you people. You think the use of quotes is just a joke? Well consider this then, you parasitical plebeian! Without some form of quotation mark to differentiate the words of Moses from the Words of God, you'd never know it was God who intoned the phrase 'I Am that I Am', And I know you think we should print the Words of God in red, but that's just stupid and nobody is ever going to use your stupid idea -- not if they've got quotation marks to use instead! Well, maybe the British -- they're always looking for some way to stand out in a crowd. But nobody else would do it!" 

The Saucerologist is convinced that the revelations we have been subjected to by our recent association with sources close to the administrative offices of Congressman Steven Schiff, now deceased, is going to be well worth the wait, for we shall present a side to this story that no one could have expected or predicted. With luck, our investigation will shortly coalesce into a significant continuation of the Roswell mythos, one that will finally put to rest the many rumors, legends, exaggerations and lies that the world has been forced to endure during its long journey to the final truth.  This is only a temporary setback to our scheduled exposure of the Roswell Incident.  We will return to our mission of social enlightenment next month.  As for today, please enjoy the following celebration of one of our past investigative triumphs, as we present to you (with both apologies and great pride) some revelations of our past that have revealed themselves to be stepping stones into the future.  Given our conviction that the importance these stepping stones represent cannot possibly be overstated, we ask that as you read, you remember those words once uttered by the prophet Criswell :  "We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives. And remember my friend, future events such as these will affect you in the future."

Please enjoy the following golden oldie first published here at The Saucerologist on Wednesday, January 27, 2016. 

New Classification System Expected to Force Recognition of UFO Phenomena

Bigfoot, Giant Monster Fans Thrilled!

SPI LOS ANGELES, CA - A new UFO classification system created by Giorgio A. Tsoukalos, cable T.V. host of "Ancient Aliens" and internationally known UFOlogist is expected to finally force the U.S. federal government and the Department of Defense to recognize the solid foundation currently supporting the study of flying saucerology.  That, at least, is the primary intention of its designer, who insists "it was so much easier than I thought it would be!  I honestly didn't think there was a solution at all."

According to Tsoukalos, "one of the major problems UFO proponents have when it comes to inspiring interest among government functionaries -- most of whom tend to favor the more skeptical side of the issue -- is the integration of terminology that we've been forced to adopt.

"Do you have any idea how embarrassing it is for an eyewitness to something so extraordinary to stand by his claim?  I'd be a millionaire if I got a nickel every time a witness is forced to insist, 'I don't care what you think; I know what I saw -- I know EXACTLY what I saw,' only to have some annoying little skeptic come back with, "y'know, I don't think you do, 'cause if you did, you wouldn't be telling everybody that you saw a UFO, which by definition is something unidentified.'  That pretty much ends the discussion right there, and the eyewitness looks like a freaking idiot.  How do you think that makes us feel?"
 

The solution to this problem, however, eluded Tsoukalos for many years.  Originally, he thought the solution was an easy one:  get rid of that obnoxious "U" and resolve the matter by convincing everybody to accept the designation "FO", for "Flying Objects."  Unfortunately, the USAF and other groups affiliated with the federal government, both legislative and executive, insist that it can't be done, because it would imply the existence of flying objects acting with impunity, flattening crops, mutilating livestock, practicing medicine without the license to do so, and -- possibly their worst act of interference -- disturbing our sleep patterns, and that the U.S. government had, in fact, purposely licensed them to do so.  After all, the provision of safe skies through the proper licensing of flying objects is one of the primary functions of the FAA.  What surprised Tsoukalos the most, however, was the level of very real enmity originating with UFO proponents.
 

According to Tsoukalos, "That seemingly insignificant 'U' is incredibly important to UFO proponents, because these days, a great many of the sightings that we find so convincing are simply not flying.  Some are underwater, some are on the land, some are just plain weird -- like buildings or carved out numbers on huge granite slabs or pyramids or giant faces on Mars or big, black monoliths that we've discovered on the Moon.  As long as that questionable little 'U' was part of the designation, nobody was required to limit the associated field of inquiry to 'Flying Objects' alone.  Take out that secretive or unexplainable element, and all of a sudden, you're forced to abide by the standard definition alone.  It's the ambiguity of the term that apparently makes it so universal in character.  Without it, there's a huge, associated class of sightings that are no longer conclusively associated with anything, let alone flying saucers.  And that means many of the arguments that favor the E.T. hypothesis are no longer affiliated with the phenomena itself.  And without the E.T. hypothesis, what's the point?  Seriously, why even bother looking for a solution?  If we're talking about just another top secret aircraft being tested by Boeing or whatever, who really gives a damn?  A dozen guys in Russia and China, and maybe some manga publishers in Japan, but that's it.  Game over as far as I'm concerned.  Game over as far as most UFOlogists are concerned."

The whole issue, it seems, revolves around the mystery of the subject, not its identification.  As long as the world continues to see flying saucers as "unidentified," than the world -- including the USAF and the ever-elusive U.S. Congress -- is willing to consider almost any solution whatsoever.  A UFO could be a flying jellyfish that falls into the ocean and glides away.  It could be a mountain-sized pyramid on the dark side of the moon that might actually fly away someday ... or not.  It could be anything, because its primary characteristic is the fact that it's unidentified."  It could even be another planet that nobody has ever seen before, but excites us anyway due to its sneaky freaky potential.
 

"Psychologically, the human race doesn't like leaving things undefined, so it's generally willing to accept any identification imposed, as long as that identity possesses some form of internal logic; if it makes even a little bit of sense, it's accepted as gospel," insists Tsoukalos.
 

"I know it sounds oddball," he opined, "but whenever we call something 'unidentified', we're suddenly able to identify it as literally anything.  Which is really great.  At least, it's great until you want some jerk in a uniform to believe you when you say, 'I know EXACTLY what I saw!'  When that happens, when you start to specify, you kind of want to crawl under a rock and disappear when somebody calls you on it -- and they always do.  It occurred to me last week while I was watching TV, that those folks looking for Bigfoot in the middle of Dallas, Texas probably feel the same way.  And so I pondered on that for a bit.  And since I was watching the History Channel, I got all sorts of inspirational ideas that had nothing at all to do with history, which was exactly what I needed at that particular time.  Thank God for profit-oriented cable!  I would have never gotten this lucky on PBS."

The inspiration that Tsoukalos found himself tuning into resulted in the inclusion of more ambiguity than most UFO proponents are normally inclined to rally behind.  According to Tsoukalos, it's within that characterization of the issue that its true genius really shines. 

"Since 1947, there has been an average of roughly 1,500 UFOs reported every year.  It's a commonly accepted supposition that anywhere from five to ten percent of those 1,500 UFOs cannot be reasonably explained as the product of relatively commonplace circumstances.  That's not much.  We're talking about 75 to 150-sightings per year, around the world that cannot be explained.  Even then, it doesn't mean 75 to 150 flying saucers; it means 75 to 150 incidents that cannot be immediately explained.  That's not a very convincing number to someone who's inclined to suspect such reports in the first place.
 

"If we want government functionaries with their wallets packed with all those military resources that we all know can solve the UFO problem in a relatively short amount of time, we're going to have to produce something a little more dramatic than 75 to 150 UFO reports a year, most of which will never be properly investigated, and will very likely be forgotten by everybody except these 14-guys I happen to know who collect such reports on the internet.  Well, the solution to that little problem, my friends, lies within our classification of UFOs -- specifically, that big, old capital 'U' at the beginning of the UFO story."

And therein, according to Giorgio A. Tsoukalos, lies the genius of ambiguity.

The first widely accepted UFO classification system was introduced by Dr. J. Allen Hynek in the 1960s.  These were the Close Encounter designations, all of which assume as a factual starting point a physical close encounter based primarily on the objective observation of a UFO by a human witness, a witness who, like most humans, is generally governed by internal, subjective thought structures.  It's a weak system in that it also assumes honesty is characteristic of the witness, who in turn acknowledges the unidentified aspect of the object.  It is flawed as a result of its specificity being undefined -- a flaw that makes identification impossible, and a thorough investigation either meaningless or a complete waste of time.
 

Dr. Hynek admitted as much shortly before he died when he concluded to his own satisfaction that UFOs are completely explainable in the context of military, experimental or private aircraft.  And all of those "remarkable yet impossible in that context" characteristics typical of such incidents are entirely due either to misidentification or to the barely observed and poorly described elements of such objects mistakenly applied to the issue by error-prone eyewitnesses.  Hynek's newly applied point-of-view tended to place the insurmountable weight of evidence for the E.T. hypothesis in the "eyewitness didn't understand what he was looking at" column, the repercussions of which could have abolished for all time the hope of humanity that our little planet was under examination by some alien equivalent of "Star Trek" creator Gene Roddenberry's "United Federation of Planets".  Tsoukalos, like so many UFOlogists well-prepared to contemptuously ignore the opinions of those handicapped with an extensive background in organized science and education, bluntly refused to even consider such an option, proving to his own satisfaction that the opinions of highly educated men and women were not only unnecessary, but were downright inconveniently detrimental to those of an ignorant man with a powerful conviction. 

Tsoukalos, however, was not entirely outclassed by the obstacles that a skeptical world-view had seemingly placed before him.  Unlike most UFOlogists, he had noticed something untenable about Hynek's Close Encounters system that the swamp-gas maven had neglected to explain:  his system makes it all too easy for educated men and women to dismiss any sighting or incident almost immediately upon the mere suggestion of identity, one that requires little to no proof to be instantly adopted by skeptics and believers alike.  The suggestion of identity in such a context is every bit as exact as the actual identification when the only standard necessary to assert is the possibility of any common origin.  Like "it must have been flares," for example.

In a short, paid for and picked up at Walmart instant, "what the heck is that?" turns into "dammit! fooled by Venus once again."  And once that accursed variable of "unidentified" can no longer be applied as an exact measure of the target's reality, any real, fully validated investigation becomes almost immediately irrelevant.  The flying object, after all, is no longer "unidentified".  Amazingly, the accuracy of that identification is completely meaningless as well.  After all, the only standard of value is "yes" or "no", as measured in terms of "black" or "white" without any consideration of probability, which, as the world knows, is a withering and changeable field of gray.
 

Dr. Hynek's classifying system itself is flawed in that it requires very little investigation to close out any given case file as fundamentally insignificant.  It was basely apparent to Tsoukalos that any classification system that required so little examination to dismiss a case in its entirety would eventually require the dismissal of the phenomenon making such a system necessary.  In this case, such an assumption means getting rid of the E.T. hypothesis, an act that Tsoukalos was certain would set the science of UFOlogy back centuries.  But what could be done?  There seemed to be no easy solution within easy reach.  How exactly does one redefine a UFO for classification without applying specificity?  The question was maddening.

Fortunately, there was no shortage of UFOlogists attempting to solve the problem Tsoukalos had focused on.  In the mistaken belief that you can prove anything as long as you've got numbers on your side, UFOlogists fell in love with statistics decades ago, which suggests that they like to classify things, putting them in lists and reorganizing their appearance on a spreadsheet for the benefit of mankind.  Or something like that ...
 

As a general rule, UFO classification systems tend to evolve from the disappointingly limited variables of the type proposed by Dr. J. Allen Hynek to far more specific and extensive systems, numerous examples of which seem to crop up every year.  As a general rule, everything becomes more complex, but is more complex necessarily better?  It never occurred to Tsoukalos that problems of the sort he had been working himself into a lather over for some years could be significantly affected by simply changing how you looked at it, which is essentially what an increase in complexity brings to the table, unless you've decided to change the standards of classification as well.  It's a point of fact that point-of-view, Tsoukalos was learning, can oftentimes affect the very definition of this inter-galactic phenomenon he had always considered undefinable.  Sometimes, he was starting to believe, you have to look underground if you want to see the stars.

"Check this out.  There's a guy named Rosales who goes nuts over humanoid sightings.  How many people really care much about a figure spotted in the distance who looks vaguely kind of human and is probably human, but may not be, because we didn't get a real good look?  You'd be surprised -- probably millions, because they can excite people by the names you use to describe them.  There's Bigfoot, lizard men, giants, kangaroos, elves, Hobbits, leprechauns, Eskimos, brownies, faery folk, pygmies -- even something called a Long-legged Warbler.  Can you imagine?  And those are just the legendary ones that most people consider to be figments of our imagination!  And these aren't just a bunch of humanoids in the literature of man; they're also anomalies -- every single one.  And who's to say they aren't associated in some way with UFOs, which are also anomalies?  They could be.  They all inhabit the unknown terraces of our universe.  So what happens if we list them all and add every sighting to our UFO database?  All of a sudden, the number of possible associated anomalies swells.  Hell, it more than doubles the number of contacts that need to be investigated every month.  It's beautiful!
 

"When everybody else is trying to center in on the specific aspects of an unidentified anomaly, only Rosales was saying, 'why are we looking at the flying saucer?  Is it really that important?  Why don't we look at all the stuff that's far more interesting and then we can establish our suspicions that they might actually be related to UFOs later?  Who really needs a UFO when you've got all that other stuff to look at as well?"  

Giorgio A. Tsoukalos

When young Tsoukalos came across the work of Albert Rosales, he immediately recognized it as a necessary step to remedy the many pro-skeptic flaws he had noted in the classification systems he had hitherto studied.  Rosales' work clearly pointed to a hidden prejudice common to nearly all UFO reports -- a prejudice that forced all those interested in throwing some light on the topic of UFOlogy to adopt a point-of-view that was aggressively alien to the conclusions they were most interested in reaching.  UFO proponents, through no fault of their own, were being forced to adopt a skeptical point-of-view or risk becoming the often obvious targets of accusations that included failure due to irresponsible scientific behavior, the use of nonsensical applications of logic, denigrating and insulting prejudice directed at both education and nature, and -- often the most wounding accusation of all -- the poorly calculated and common reliance on mere stupidity to establish a valid conclusion, all of which, Tsoukalos was certain, was primarily the result of the poor classification systems then in use.  What Rosales had done, that only Tsoukalos, apparently, had noted, was to associate often unrelated aspects of the UFO sightings under examination with the primary incident everybody else was looking at in order to center attention away from the UFO itself.  Tsoukalos saw this as the methodology of genius most necessary to realize his own self-importance while rescuing the field of UFOlogy from its own suicidal use of Hynek's Close Encounters analysis.
 

The more Rosales attended his suspicions, the farther he wandered from the flying saucer itself.  Rosales was very clear about his intent:  "I am currently engaged in attempting to catalog most reported encounters with humanoids, entities, beings, little men, giants, MIB, creatures, amphibians, reptilians, grays etc.  So far I have over 10,000 cases in my files, many known, many not so well known.  I have translated many from all corners of the globe.  I think this study is vital for future researchers and for UFO historians."
 

To some extent, Rosales was also unconcerned with "the truth," an allegedly spontaneous factor that Hynek, ever the tactician, was forced to accept as unquestionable.  "I obviously do not believe every single story," Rosales insists.  "But I believe all stories must be told.  Many are first hand reports, others are just anecdotes, but all are included."  This was a point-of-view that Tsoukalos thought was absolutely delicious.  He, too, didn't much enjoy trying to tell the difference between a true tale of some import and a bucket of cow spit.  He wanted to leave that unimportant bit of muffin doggerel to those very few UFOlogists who might someday expose themselves in court.  Frankly, he doesn't care much about "the truth" either.

The Close Encounter classifications that Rosales naturally married his humanoid studies to widened the scope of both databases considerably.  He wasn't merely looking at the Encounters alone as Hynek did; he was trying to hunt down a whole new type of animal, one that Hynek wasn't really interested in looking at.  Rosales' classifications included contacts in which "an entity or humanoid is seen inside or on top of an object or unidentified aircraft", "is seen entering or exiting a UFO", "is seen in the immediate vicinity of a UFO", "is seen in the same area where UFOs or unknown objects have been reported", "is seen alone, without related UFO activity", is seen as a result of "direct contact or interaction between a witness or witnesses and a humanoid or entity, either involuntary, as a result of a forced abduction, or as a voluntary contact", is seen in association with "a report of an alleged crash or forced landing of a UFO with recovery of its occupants, or when an anomalous entity is captured or killed either by a witness or military personnel", is seen in association with "a 'psychic' contact between entities or humanoids, but during which the entity or humanoid is not necessarily seen" (which is definitely The Saucerologist's favorite classification), and (finally, and encompassing almost every anomaly imaginable), is seen during "an incident in which the situation is so uncanny that it doesn’t fit any of the previous classifications", allowing the hypothetical eyewitness to make whatever claim his little heart desires.  This, of course, for the very first time, allowed Tsoukalos the opportunity to focus his unflagging attention on EVERYTHING.  And that in turn gave him the freedom he was craving to call everything ANYTHING.  And he really liked the taste of that!
 

The farther away Rosales got from UFOs, the wider the scope of his database was allowed to grow.  Of course, Rosales was still trapped within the self-imposed borders his system couldn't possibly escape:  the whole humanoid mythos.  Tsoukalos had a few ideas of his own that would allow for a complete escape from the bounds of data, but well before he was able to integrate those ideas into a very real system of organized anomalies, his research made it clear to him that another UFOlogist had already beaten him to the punch, so to speak.  The classification system designed by Jacques Vallee as proposed in his books "Confrontations", and "UFO Chronicles of the Soviet Union", changed the whole world of data, and suddenly, the flying saucer became just one more little variable in a Fortean universe of everything unexplainable.  Few critics, however, understood the position Vallee had forced himself to foster.  From a mathematical viewpoint, he was still forced to adopt such abrasive rules of data in order to impose limitations on the statistical measures he was attempting to harness.  This is because Vallee's classification system, like Hynek's, makes a number of assumptions originally designed to force the inclusion of all imaginable variables, yet nonetheless replicating the same flaws as Hynek's system:  he assumes that not only are UFO witnesses honest, they are also accurate.  He doubled down on the "Merciful Heavens!" column only to find himself accused of blindly preserving statistical obscurity, a charge that, sadly, is fundamentally correct.  Vallee's habitual insistence that all reports are accurate and all witnesses truthful has provoked a whirlwind of scorn throughout all of the world excepting that within the bounds of UFOlogy -- which by then, he wasn't even discussing anymore.  He was accused of everything from tweaking his denominators to adjusting his self-worth in order to debase the ultimate quality of his ill-gotten claims.
 

Given the lengths Vallee has been forced to observe in order to explain the diversity of the sightings recorded, he should probably be forgiven for his eventual decision to chronicle so many incident case files and UFO reports that have been almost impossible to confirm or properly analyze.  His book, "UFO Chronicles of the Soviet Union" very clearly falls into this category, as do most UFO incidents that have ever occurred in China.  By accepting such diverse and eclectic claims without any application of doubt in regard to the worthiness of his witnesses, however, Vallee's work in turn forced Tsoukalos to "widen the net" insofar as the diversity of claims he needed to consider.  The goal, at first, was not the development of a realistic database, it was the development of a flawless classification system -- one that would for the first time work for the UFOlogist.  The system had to come first; the data itself was a secondary concern.  From Tsoukalos's point of view, Vallee was on the right track.  It didn't concern him at all that others might see this as a handicap.  According to Tsoukalos, "we were already handicapped.  I didn't give a damn about poor data at all.  I still don't.  It simply isn't important.  I doubt it ever will be."  Where Vallee's classification system represented a form of brilliant suicide, Tsoukalos was determined to create an integrated afterlife.

There's no doubt that Vallee had taken a prodigious leap toward the solution Tsoukalos was looking for.  He introduced the inclusion of anomalies that are not associated with UFOs in the standard methodology humans are most used to collating.  To maintain an organized structure limited to UFO contacts, he lobbied to include anomalies that have been observed an insignificant number of times during UFO incidents.  One example would be those anomalies that do not have lasting physical effects, such as amorphous lights or unexplained explosions.  Other anomalous reports might be those in which witnesses experienced personal interaction with entities in the reality of the entities themselves.  They would include near-death experiences, religious miracles and visions, and many cases of out-of-body experiences.  Vallee wanted to include as well anomalies with lasting physical effects, such as some poltergeist phenomena, apports (materialized objects), and areas of flattened buffalo grass where buffalos never roam.
 

Vallee even included and tracked various maneuvers by UFOs that are accompanied by a sense of transformation of reality for the percipient, as well as maneuvers that result in witnesses suffering permanent injury or death.  Vallee's intention was to encompass the full range of phenomena one finds in modern literature.  He acknowledged that UFOs are related in significant ways to other anomalies, and was very careful to select those that were described in the case files, regardless of import to the case itself.  He clearly stated his reasoning for all to understand:  "It is the rule, rather than the exception, to find significant UFO sightings preceded or followed by other anomalies, notably the poltergeist variety."  Since he first designed his system, UFO research communities all over the world have adopted it.  Tsoukalos, however, still saw the same flaws that were typically part of Hynek's classifications.  It was impossible to step away from the errors, because they were part of the rational system defined by the mathematical impetus of group dynamics.  Whatever the depth of his examinations, the system to classify them always favored the viewpoint of skeptic reasoning.  In some way he had not yet realized, the process of UFO assessment itself was working in some mysterious manner against the very best minds of theoretical UFOlogy, and he couldn't grasp what the issue was, nor why it weighed so heavily on the self-determined core of scientific saucerology.
 

During a lecture intended to interest and then draft the efforts of the children in his neighborhood to watch the skies and track the movements of lights therein, an unfortunately irresponsible attempt to create his own twisted version of Arthur Conan Doyle's "Baker Street Irregulars", a group of children the fictional detective Sherlock Holmes used to gather intelligence, Tsoukalos found himself unwittingly frightening the children by declaring that it was quite possible that ghosts were most probably a UFO-related phenomenon.  When two of the children started crying, he tried to bring them back into reality and calm them down somewhat, by declaring, "no, no children, it's just another little phenomenon -- ghosts might not even be associated at all; it could be anything, even werewolves for instance, or maybe vampires like Count Dracula.  It's just unknown phenomena that we're talking about.  How many of you know what a demon is, or a djinn?  We're just talking about things we don't yet understand." 

Unfortunately, the younger children in his audience knew exactly what he was talking about, and they didn't even need a dictionary.  Within days, Tsoukalos was being watched by neighborhood groups and even found himself trying to organize a defense against claims of child abuse, molestation and the sexual misuse of a vampire.  His protestations and pleas of innocence to the parents of those children he had attempted to employ were just as successful as his attempts to explain his needs to the children had been, and he was forced to abandon both his attempts to build an intelligence apparatus from the ubiquity of children at play and his home when an anonymous ally told him how many of his neighbors had been visiting gun shows and shooting ranges and how he had become the center of their focus.  It was a punch to the gut, and he ran -- he ran long and hard and about 1,209 miles far.  He had failed even to define the terms of his theoretical musings. 

That failure, however, showed Tsoukalos what elements he desperately needed to include in his own classification system.  He had been taken to task by the parents in his neighborhood, and was forced to explain his ramblings while on the run, literally.  He caught himself screaming at one particularly energetic father of three, "it's not just werewolves, and not vampires, it can be anything, please!  Stop grabbing at my face!  I never said flying saucers full of demons were coming to get anybody -- I was trying NOT to talk about flying saucers at all, can't you see that?  It can be anything, anything at all, anything you want it to be; you just gotta look at the world a little harder!" 

Anything at all ...
 

"Do you have any idea how many standard anomalies are reported each year?  Thousands.  Even tens of thousands.  Do you know why?  Two reasons:  humans are not half as smart as we think we are, and as a species, we dearly LOVE making lists!  We'll list anything on a bet, but we go list-crazy when we come up against an anomaly we can't properly define.  I say we should classify all anomalies and add them to the UFO sightings database.  Who's to say they aren't associated?  Every zoologist in the world insists that you investigate an animal sighting first, and classify it second! 

"We should add every anomaly imaginable to our UFO listings.  Let someone with more money than MUFON's yearly budget investigate it first and then tell us whether or not it's associated with UFOs.  Why are we all working in the dark?  Why do we insist on classifying a UFO sighting before we do anything else?  Only suckers organize their working procedures in a manner that defunds their investigation before it's even started!  That's not how you lobby a government to take on a commitment.  That's not even how you run your home budget!  Does anybody in your family classify lasagna or pizza as something that's deadly poisonous before first determining whether it is or not?  Do you avoid eating pizza and lasagna simply because you've assumed for years that Mexican food isn't good for you, that it maybe gives you bad gas or something even though you've failed to honestly investigate the matter first?  Hell, no!  Sounds idiotic, doesn't it?"
 

Giorgio A. Tsoukalos, you see, had finally taught himself how to lecture on the run, and he was now very much in tune with his potential (and by far most influential) audience, the paranoid, and besieged believers in government conspiracies and Bigfoot (that's right, children) and the Loch Ness Monster, and the Illuminati, and the Great Sea Serpent, and mermaids, and the giant octopus, and all of it together, and he put his thoughts and opinions and desires in the simple yet inelegantly detailed terms that any government flunky would be sure to understand:
 

"I know this young man in his twenties, and he told me that his parents have been trying to get him certified as a disabled entity so that he can collect social security payments.  They heard something silly about it somewhere.  Who knows where..." and he was talking in the now, the altogether, and he's on stage and he's telling people exactly what they need to hear...
 

"His mother drives him to all of his appointments, and fills out all of his paperwork, so he doesn't have to do much except go see the doctor, and certify his existence at whatever Social Security field office is next on his list." 

And he truly loves it, telling people who need to know how troublesome the world can be, how energetic and electric man needs to become if he wants to survive on this weird Earth, in a strange little village without walls, in a universe where it pays to get drunk first and then work out the quirks and the kinks in the system that they'd never understand, and could never reason with or become influential with or even for God's sake observe just a pinch full of the fish and the frogs and the strange forever stuff dropping and bouncing out of the sky.

"At one time or another, this young man has tried to substantiate bipolar disorder, alcohol addiction, addiction to OxyContin, the inability to maintain social functioning, the persistent inability to concentrate, ADHD, repeated episodes of decompensation, excessive fatigue, short term and long term memory loss, Benedryl addiction, various retention disorders, autism, Asperger’s Syndrome, the desire for a sexy looking kitchen, the need to scream in anger at the universe and its far too general inhibitions, bouts of depression, manic incapacitation, anxiety, blurred vision, severe headaches, numbness in his extremities ..."

... and all the words just start running together, which is fine, he thinks, because none of it makes any sense anyway -- it doesn't have to, because the perfect classification system for the perfectly imperfect human race doesn't demand sense, it just demands that you open up your head in some weird, backwards, Neanderthal brain surgery clinic where all of the patients are being taught to recognize the unreal and the irresponsible and the worthless and putting it all into the flying saucers, along with that panoply of stolen youth and gangrenous education.

"...schizoaffective disorders, various other personality disorders, carpal tunnel syndrome, depth perception problems, and even more of the schizophrenic, paranoid and other functional psychotic disorders.  The primary difficulty that he faces, however, has nothing at all to do with the alleged symptomology of his supposed disabilities.  The clear fact is that he has never in his entire life held down a real job, like normal adults do, and therefore he has limited means to collect on any Social Security benefits in the first place.  Not that it matters.  Every interview he has, both legal and medical, begins exactly the same way."
 

It begins in sadness and terror and the ribald jousting of pathetic gardeners with their tubes of secret fertilizers and unbending Neapolitan joy suddenly turning into ancient aliens with their energy sticks and bouillon cubes and their majestic spacecraft that mankind in this forever dream of ours can only imagine in the dark and during the ghostly days ...
 

"He admits right at the start that there's really nothing much wrong with him.  He's just a very, very lazy man with parents who are simply not very bright.  He apologizes for taking up their valuable time, but he's nonetheless going to have to insist on turning in all of that paperwork and seeing the whole process through to its already predetermined outcome. 

"The truth is, as long as he keeps his appointments, meets with all the doctors and psychologists and continues to file all the necessary bullshit paperwork that his Mom has already filled out for him in advance, his parents are going to continue letting him use the family car whenever he wants it."  That's all.  It's all for the car, and the need to move faster than the poor schmuck in front of you.  That's all it's ever been. 

"Look, the point I'm trying to make here is an easy one.  This young man's primary goal is to persuade his parents to let him use the car whenever he wants.  Now, in order to reach that goal, he has to throw in from his side of the equation a whole bundled package full of absolute crap.  By doing this, he is given unfettered use of his Mom's 20-year old station wagon."

Don't kid yourself; sacrifice is always easy.  Getting someone to notice it is hard.

"Well, our primary goal is to get the attention of the federal government long enough to  stop their petty whining about 75-150 UFO sightings a year not being sufficient for them to sacrifice the time and the money necessary to finance and carry through a proper by God investigation.  To meet that goal, we're also going to have to toss in a whole boatload of crap in order to up the ante.  And this new classification program will accomplish that.  While its success may very well depend on a lot of unexplained symptoms that are quite probably not even associated with our basic and most fundamental concern -- the necessity for a more robust system of well-funded UFO investigations -- that association can't be summarily dismissed by skeptics without a more robust system of well-funded investigations.  Hell, it's impossible for us to lose!"
 

When your bottom line has no bottom line, there's no such thing as the bottom of the barrel.  There's also no such thing as raising the bar for everybody's anybody.

"Plus, we gain the gratitude of all those folks who are lobbying for a proper investigation of all those other strange and unexplained anomalies, things like the Loch Ness Monster, Bigfoot, or even the existence of werewolves in Wyoming.  And I assure you, as long as we don't go around freaking out a bunch of silly little kids who probably wouldn't amount to much of an intelligence gathering organization anyway, I really don't think it's possible for anybody to lose.  We just report everything and call it a UFO.  We're very nearly doing that now just among ourselves." 

When NOTHING is ever identified, the vulnerability and the cruelty and the selfish unreasoning fascism of the capital 'U' disappears.  It's the only fool-proof UFO classification system that there is.  Every other system that anybody has ever come up with has always favored the skeptics.  This one, for the first time in history, does not.  The only way anybody will ever know EXACTLY what it is that they saw is by putting every fish in the ocean in a great multi-setting blender -- the kind they make dreams and daiquiris with.  Plug it into a nuclear powered generator, flip the switch to ON, and when nothing is left except seafood puree, clam jelly, sea monkey stew, and shark fin soup, start passing out the celebratory paper cups, telling everyone, "it's fish."  Welcome one and all to the study of statistics by the Dixie Cup Corporation, Ltd.  Welcome to the Second Law of Thermodynamics.  Welcome to sweet mother entropy.

When your database includes everything in the ocean, nobody will ever fault you for insisting before God that you know EXACTLY what you saw.  "It's fish ..."  Smile for the camera.

"It's an absolutely brilliant solution and absolutely everybody profits!  All I've got to say is Hallelujah!  Somebody better hurry up and toss me a copy of 'Ripley's Believe It or Not' before this crazy hazy inspiration goes to waste!" 

We are on a roll, people; the sudden increase in speed is not due to an influx of energy, and things don't always appear closer in the mirror; sometimes by God they are closer, and it usually happens while you're standing cold and alone in the middle of a poor judgment decision.

"It's fish ..."

This is a Saucer Press International Publication