Thursday, December 17, 2015

Stanton Friedman Reveals Global Warming Cure in Time for X'mas

Highly Advanced, Non-Humans Responsible for Rescuing Earth from the Earthlings!   

SPI ATLANTA, GA - A recent re-evaluation of the evidence for global warming has revealed the existence of a previously unknown factor responsible for massive, planetary temperature manipulation throughout the 20th century that is still active today.  These conclusions were released this morning in a new report issued by the Earth Science Evaluation Committee (ESEC), an organization co-chaired by UFO scientist Stanton Friedman and fellow UFO researcher Kevin Randle.  According to Friedman, their analysis of the collated data "also passes any number of Occam's Razor tests that debunkers and skeptics have been using for years to discount the volumes of evidence supporting the E.T. hypothesis as a valid explanation for UFO phenomena world-wide."

ESEC is a group of researchers and scientists formed to re-evaluate the application of human science with the intent of discovering non-human interference with the otherwise natural progression of life on Earth.  Those associated with the group have been quietly analyzing all manner of scientific data, confident that doing so will eventually reveal the presence of highly advanced, non-human life on Earth, either in our history or still active today.  This is the first case-study the group has ever released, although in the past they have been responsible for numerous informal, albeit enthusiastic, efforts intended to prove alien responsibility for a number of incidents in Roswell, New Mexico and surrounding areas.   

Stanton Friedman, the unofficial spokesman for the group, clearly relished his joint role as both scientist and author behind the rare, irrefutable nature of the evidence he and Kevin Randle presented to the assembled journalists and scientists in attendance.  "We have discovered an evaluated precipitation-based event commonly characterized by condensate crystallization that could not possibly occur in nature and in accordance with the laws of known physics.  And yet it does occur in nearly every known environment of our planet.  It has been widely observed and quantified, and yet it cannot be explained at all under the current guidelines of known science.  There is no doubt about our findings. I challenge anyone to refute these claims once they've examined the strength of the evidence that we've collected and are now prepared to make public."

UFO researcher Kevin Randle was equally enthusiastic about the data.  "It is quite remarkably a temperature associated phenomena that we are at a loss to explain with any scientific precision.  In fact, the only explanation that our researchers and scientists have been able to formulate under our current understanding and the protocols we use to address such issues dictates that this phenomenon could only have originated from off planet.  The characteristics that we've observed are clearly alien.  It's - it's ... just unbelievable.  And yet, it's true!"

Friedman stated that he first observed the phenomenon while examining a number of photographic images originally introduced on the internet by Google-Earth, one of the newer technological tools that were achieved only after the internet dictated the urgent need for such tools by researchers and scientists world-wide.  "I was asked to voice an opinion in regard to an anomaly that was originally interpreted as the possible resting place of Noah's Ark.  And while that aspect of the photographic evidence was, and still is, very interesting, particularly to a layman, what I saw surrounding the area was just stunning -- it was amazing!"  

In an obviously prepared aside intended to indicate the joint nature of the press conference and the once and future partnership of the two UFO investigators, Kevin Randle took up the torch for another run at the credibility of the newly formed Evaluation Committee:  "Unless you've actually been off planet in either a rocket or one of the space shuttles, you can't possibly understand the character of Stanton's amazement.  He immediately called me up and directed my attention to the URL he was asked to examine.  And I freaked.  There's really no other way to describe what I was feeling.  I freaked."

"It was like fresh, white baby powder that was ... it was everywhere!"  Friedman continued. "It looked like white powder.  I knew we had to go on scene and collect some samples.  That alone took us a couple of weeks, partly because the location was almost on top of the border between Russia and Turkey, and partly because Randle here has a weird military spook background that even Canada would have looked a little askance at!"

"I didn't hide anything from those bozos -- they just don't like Americans on a mission. As things turned out, we really didn't have to bother.  We could have reached the same conclusions just outside of Denver!  And not Bob Denver -- we're talking Denver Denver."

"You can hush now, Kevin.  This is the scientific part of the news.  Okay, I got tons of samples, but when I got back to the helicopters, all of my samples had turned into water. That's right, ordinary H2O!  I felt like I was at the Wedding in Cana, except Jesus was turning baking powder into water.  And that's when we made the discovery that this white stuff was a temperature associated phenomenon.  When the temperature got high enough, it turned into water!  And it didn't even have to get that high -- 33 degrees Fahrenheit, and you're gonna get wet!

Stanton Friedman gets all wet!
"Just on a hunch, I started measuring out the amount of water we were getting out of the amount of cold white powder we were collecting, and made the single most important discovery of the year and possibly my life.  We always ended up with substantially less water than we should have been getting.  Now you know how molecules work, right? The lower the temperature, the tighter the molecules get in relation to each other.  They get closer together when they get cold, and they get further apart when they get warm. That's why steam drifts away! The molecules are getting further apart the higher you raise the temperature.  But not with this stuff.  When you freeze this stuff, when you make it really cold, that's when it expands -- it's as if the molecules are getting further apart!  They spread apart and take up more space the colder you make the environment!"

Kevin Randle was equally amazed.  "This is what convinced us there was something really spooky-strange going on.  This cold, crystalline powder was behaving exactly the opposite of what we would normally expect.  We went back to Google Earth and discovered that this white powdery stuff was EVERYWHERE.  We honestly couldn't believe it.  Look, you guys know how every mathematical examination of the universe suggests the existence of a gravity-based matter-typical phenomena called 'dark matter'. This is a hypothetical class of matter that can't be seen, has yet to be observed, and yet accounts for almost all of the matter in the entire universe.  Its existence and some of its theorized properties can be inferred from its very specific gravitational effects on all other forms of matter and radiation, but we know next to nothing about it, except that it's out there.  Well, now we know that there's a collateral type of matter that is just as mysterious and just as impossible to understand, and it's right here on Earth.  It's what Stanton and I call 'white matter'.  And it is EVERYWHERE!  Being a low-temperature phenomenon, we can find a whole lot of this stuff on mountains -- all kinds of mountains! But we can also track its movements across glacial fields, at the polar regions, or absolutely anywhere that reflects a negative temperature gradient less than 32 degrees Fahrenheit!"

"I told Kevin at that very moment that we were all the way through the looking glass on this one!" added Friedman.  "The properties we've already collated are just insane. When you make something colder, when you freeze it, you're essentially applying pressure to the molecules, forcing them closer together -- that's what freezing does!  But with this 'white matter' the normal rules of common physics just don't work. You can put a whole ocean full of pressure on this stuff, and it stays a liquid!  Good, God, it's amazing!  You can apply enough pressure to turn coal dust into diamonds with this 'white matter', and you can do it at temperatures of minus dozens of degrees Fahrenheit, and it stays a liquid.  But as soon as you dump out the pressure and give it a little extra room to expand in, it goes solid again.  I swear, I was stunned the first time I saw it!  It was crazy time, and the clowns were dancing like little hippies around us!" 

Kevin Randle Freaks in public!
The crowd at the press conference laughed when Kevin Randle interrupted his mentor with "let's not go too far, Stanton!  'White matter' can speak for itself, but clowns scare the Hell out of me!"

"Well, I'm sorry, but sometimes I'm a little over-enthusiastic, I admit. But this time -- wow! Look, folks, whenever you freeze something, it tends to get a little heavier, and that's because you've got more molecules being forced into a smaller space.  You're putting a double-cheeseburger into a pita pie sandwich!  But with this stuff, when it goes solid, it floats on water!  And if you force it to the bottom of the ocean, under huge amounts of pressure, it turns into a liquid again. It's like freaking miracle juice!  And we don't know where it's from!"

"And that's when we knew it couldn't have come from Earth," volunteered Randle.  "It was a little odd that this white manna from heaven appeared so suddenly at the same point in human history as the global warming phenomenon.  After all, the primary character of 'white matter' is its temperature gradient.  The colder it gets, the more of it there is.  That's why we're convinced that 'white matter' is Earth's off planet medication that's intended to solve the global warming crisis, this apathetic disease that's getting increasingly worse and starting to kill the Earth all the faster.  With this stuff, it lowers the temperature at every location we've examined, just like baby aspirin.  And the faster that environmental temperature falls, the lower the temperature associated with this 'white matter' eventually gets -- just like Advil working on a fever."

Friedman made his suspicions very clear.  "My friends, the Earth is under medical care for global warming, and it isn't humanity that's providing the medication.  And I'm sure you all know exactly what that means.  A highly advanced, non-human presence is repairing what we, in our quickening pride and ruination, have been unconsciously destroying throughout our entire existence.  Gods or aliens, whatever you want to call them, have come to save our precious planet Earth, while we continue to murder and rape and pillage each other to Hell.  We should be desperately ashamed of ourselves, and thankful that someone out there in the nothingness of space actually cares for our sorry butts.

"I am absolutely convinced that the environmental effects of this treatment that we've documented will eventually make global warming and the damage that it's inflicting on our little blue planet a thing of the past.  The doctor is definitively in, and he's making house calls across the entire planet!"

"We've observed first hand this unorthodox treatment," chimed in Randle.  "This white powder just falls out of the sky.  It appears from the dark clouds as if by magic!  But there's nothing up there producing it -- it's like it appears from nothing.  This white powder just materializes in the sky, as if it's been transported from whatever source that creates it.  And it falls and drifts everywhere once it's been actualized.  It is still a slave to gravity."

Stanton Friedman, the first scientist to closely examine "white matter", enthusiastically described the fruits of his close scrutiny.  "We knew right off that it was unique -- something truly astounding was going on.  But we didn't know how truly unique this stuff was until we were finally able to get some of it to a laboratory while it was still in a solid state.  Once we got a good look at it, it revealed a number of very mysterious qualities that we never would have suspected.  Under a microscope, we observed that the white powder was not actually white at all -- it was colorless, like glass.  And the tiny flakes of powder that we examined were truly remarkable.  What we thought was a single flake was actually a series of tiny crystalline structures that bonded together to give it the illusion of 'whiteness'.  They were all made up of these tiny crystals.  But that wasn't the half of it!  These tiny crystalline structures were truly unique -- not one of them was exactly like another!  Every single structure was unique of itself.  You couldn't find even two of these crystals that were alike. Every single, tiny, crystalline flake was completely different from every other tiny, crystalline flake!  But when you raised the temperature of the environment above 32 degrees Fahrenheit, every unique structure turned to molecules of water that were identical!  Every molecule of water was exactly like every other molecule of water.  In an instant, each unique crystalline structure, every one different from every other, immediately became identical to each other, just like it was normal tap water.  They all looked exactly the same. Suddenly unique, then suddenly the same.  Unique.  The same.  Unique.  The same.  It was unprecedented.  It was astounding!"

News of the recent discoveries made by the Earth Science Evaluation Committee (ESEC) was immediately disseminated by the various press associations and wire services.  NASA withheld its opinions on the issue, but stated that it would examine the evidence and issue its own report at a later date after conferring with colleagues.  Their response, however, made it clear that NASA suspected the issue would ultimately resolve itself after the ESEC report was examined and analyzed under a more insistent meteorological bias. 

A relatively large number of University-based groups and science-related organizations made the same general announcements as NASA.  They expressed little surprise, and seemed more embarrassed than anything else, although for whom is still under wraps at this early point.  Stanton Friedman expressed his confidence that the evidence and his interpretation of that evidence would withstand any examination by any group giving it a fair assessment.  This comment, one witness to the announcement stated, resulted in a lot of eye rolling, a few shrugs, and some uncomfortable laughter.  Friedman apparently failed to note this, and made no further comments.  Kevin Randle's response to the uncomfortable silence was, however, immediate.  He slinked off stage to the left and promptly disappeared with a nervous smile.

Many groups and individuals, however, felt there was no need to examine the evidence any further, and there were, as a result, a number of public responses expressed through the various news outlets.  By far the most energetic of these were pronounced by Republican political candidates, particularly Texas Senator and current GOP Presidential candidate Ted Cruz, who released the following statement within minutes of the ESEC revelations:

"There is only one logical response that can be made here:  most of this is just plain hogwash.  I have a great deal of respect for Mr. Stanton Friedman, but it's difficult to reconcile this Canadian's many past achievements with these recent discoveries that he has made public, or at least his analysis of these matters.  I agree that there is something genuinely mysterious going on here, but it has nothing at all to do with global warming. Global warming does not exist -- it is merely an invented hoax perpetrated by liberals and propagated by the press -- a hoax intended to bring low the fortunes and the associated power of a number of great American corporations.  What unions have been unable to secure from these corporations, the invention of global warming is meant to ultimately achieve.  There is absolutely nothing here that can be associated with this flim-flam of global warming, so I believe it's necessary to reevaluate these discoveries.   I have no desire to take away the importance of these issues from Mr. Friedman or Mr. Randle, but I believe they may have misinterpreted the motivation behind the possibly alien production of this 'white matter'.  This great nation needs to ask itself what purpose could there possibly be in the production of this odd material suddenly spreading like ice cold rain across our great, world-class planet.  The fact is, we just do not know, and in our ignorance, we should definitely be afraid."

Senator Cruz invents cure for fear!
In a telephone interview initiated by "The Saucerologist" with Senator Cruz shortly after he released his statement, the Texas Senator proceeded to introduce his great cure for all things frightening. "There is only one way to combat the unknown, and that is to get rid of the yellow spines currently legislating in Congress, and by that, I mean the Democrat threat to our freedom. They seem to forget that we have a great nation that needs to be protected, and if our great populace elects me as the next President, I will pledge to bring about the only sure fire way to combat what is today an unknown enemy. My intention is to cut the United States' defense budget by 65%, and to use the money we will save to purchase millions of guns.  It was made clear to me this very day that to survive this new century we live in, we must arm every able-bodied man in the United States, and women too if they can prove that they know how to use such advanced weaponry.  We need to put a gun in every American's hand, and maybe the women and children, too, although I'm certainly willing to discuss the matter if the GOP and NRA as a whole disagree in regard to arming women and children.  With a gun in every home, no nation, and no nation of terrorists would ever dare to attack us, because we would have essentially fulfilled the American dream of an armed militia in every neighborhood!  No one would screw with us, not even aliens in flying saucers.  And any money at all that's left over from the great American gun buy could then be funneled into our intelligence community, and they would be given the job of determining what threat, if any, this newly discovered 'white matter' may hold for our future.  And if we determine that there is a well-defined threat to our national sovereignty, we would absolutely destroy that threat right after we rid the world of ISIS!

"65% of our defense budget represents the key to an American future -- a future characterized by a gun in every home, and maybe a couple of missiles in every neighborhood.  The richest nation on Earth could certainly afford to buy the safety and the supremacy that this country of ours deserves!  And if the Democrat tree-huggin' presence in Congress and California doesn't like it, well, to paraphrase the one-time Queen of France, 'let them eat bacon -- machine gun cooked bacon!'  Heh heh, heh!  And I ain't kiddin'."

This is a Saucer Press International Publication

Wednesday, December 2, 2015

Starbuck's X'mas Controversy Leads to Great Revelations

Divinity Claimed by Muhammad, St. Paul and Others was a Genetic Mistake!

(and Jesus was a terrible dancer)

SPI PHILADELPHIA, PA - Frufrick Sturplefloss, self-anointed residential coordinator for the Bethlehem, Pennsylvania Tourist Board, has stormed right into the Starbucks "Happy Holidays" coffee cup controversy, and the GOP is not too happy about it!  Republican strategists only created the issue to gauge conservative voters' willingness to aggressively stage an argument centered on meaningless, trivial issues as opposed to matters of worthwhile concern, so Sturplefloss' forced entry into this heartfelt, albeit pointless discussion was completely unexpected.  Even worse, Sturplefloss, it seems, is defending the Republican point-of-view for reasons that most conservative politicos have every reason to avoid:  it draws attention to their common want of divinity.

Frufrick Sturplefloss, a Gray Alien born in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania on Christmas morning, 1998, has been preaching the Gospel According to Frufrick since watching Stephen Spielberg's "E.T." when he was just a young pup.  "That is MY story," Sturplefloss insists.  "I am the E.T. who suffers the little children to come unto me, and I judge it a damnable shame that the Starbucks Corporation has refused to celebrate my divinity simply because it prefers to be more generic with its remembrance, its now unspeakably silent disregard for the wholly celebratory Paper Cup, the Holy Grail of the Great Coffee Bean, the wide-awakening of my coming forth that signifies for all time mankind's liberation from Death.  It isn't a happy holiday, a worthless kind wish, a caffeine-free amplification of the breakfast spirit's will, by God.  It is MY birthday, and it represents the holy means by which I came to save this Earth, to save this planet from its own unholy scriptures and terror-filled drives in the muddy station-wagons, the grand Chevrolet Impalas of yesteryear.  It represents the lingering illness and stillness that refuses to curse the agitating Star Buck that has chosen to raise in ignorance the will of a great and sorely lost people selected by the cream and by the coffee to lose forevermore its brown sweetness and white sugar by ignoring ME."

When asked to explain how he came to recognize his divinity, Sturplefloss didn't exactly take his inspirational cue from the Gospel of the Coffee Bean:  "I have seen it always on the wide screens of man's youth and Enterprise that originates only within the Great Kirk. I am the Mocking Jay while the Star Buck is the Minion.  I am the Holy Bond, the double-oh-seven of the Resurrection, while It is the Sky Fall amidst the cold Spectre. Through MY heart flows the great Guyver; it is upon MY breath and through MY blessing alone that mankind shall come unto the great Narnia, the Lone Star Hobbit, for I alone am the Harry Potter's wheel and the Potter's kiln.  They are the Manson Family while I am the Manson Family Vacation; they are the Hellraiser, while I am the Raisin in the Sun. Drink deep of my wisdom, for they are the DoggieWoggiez and PoochieWoochiez, while I alone am the Samurai Cat!"

Bethlehem, Pennsylvania City Council member, Robert Saxony, a Republican, made it very clear that neither he nor his party supported Sturplefloss' claims.  "Personally, I think he's insane.  For one thing, there is no Bethlehem, Pennsylvania Tourist Board, which means there is no residential coordinator for the Bethlehem, Pennsylvania Tourist Board.  He's just a freaked-out Gray Alien with delusions of grandeur!  He thinks that 'cause he was born in Bethlehem on Christmas Day, that he must be the new Jesus Christ.  Well, it's nothing but babbling as far as I'm concerned.  Babbling and blasphemy!"

Donald Trump weighs in
GOP front runner Donald Trump made his views equally clear:  "If I was a practicing Christian, I'd be pissed off with this alien Jesus Christ wannabee and his blatant desegregation of Christmas.  Don't get me wrong, I'm as much a Christian as any other New Yorker, but I don't need to practice it half as much as a lot of folks do -- y'know like that black Muslim nation or those yellow Shinto freaks with their fat little Buddhas.  They need to practice their Christianity a whole lot more than I do.  Frankly, I'll be the best damn Christian that the White House ever saw if I'm elected President, and you can bet that I'd force the rest of Washington, DC to go Christian as well -- I'd put it in the Constitution that you can't be an elected official unless you're a Christian, and you'd have to prove it.  Somebody just give me a damn pen and it would be done.  That Constitutional right that the President can change what's in the Constitution is one power of the Executive that I'd be using a whole lot.  You look at all the statistics, and you'll notice right off the bat that most of our Presidents hardly ever take advantage of that Executive right; it's like they're afraid of the Supreme Court or something, which is just a joke!  That wouldn't be me, I assure you.  I'd be making important and near perfect corrections all over the place, just like George Washington did.  And I'd get rid of those damn Gray Aliens in exactly the same way.  I'd be the greatest damn anti-alien President this country ever saw.  And I'd get rid of soccer, too -- just to prove I could do it!" 

Eager to get a story that didn't look like more of Donald Trump's complete crap, representatives of "The Saucerologist" managed to secure a short telephone interview with one of the original Gray Alien Ambassadors, Repplesmunck Yoleoderff, just before he left for his annual dark matter recalibration stigmata aboard the Alien dock to the International Space Station.  Yoleoderff makes a clear case that the faulty fruit under examination does not originate with the Gray Aliens, but with Earthborn humans. 

The Saucerologist:  Can you explain for our readers why you believe an obviously disturbed Gray Alien isn't responsible for his own actions?  You've said that the fault ultimately lies within human biology.  Well, most humans won't look at it that way, not without some kind of explanation.

Yoleoderff:  Like most of those who come to believe they possess some form of divinity, Frufrick Sturplefloss's human DNA is entirely to blame.  He may look like a pure-breed Gray Alien, but he is not.  He is a result of my people's ancient attempts to breed a race containing the best qualities of each of our species.  Apparently, one of humanity's better qualities is its habitual and oftentimes bitterly pronounced contempt for others.  When that quality is combined with my species' humility and its spiritually-based desire to crush and then wipe-out all opponents to those missions intended to raise the quality of existence for all creatures, the sad result is exactly what you see here:  the assumed grandeur of the divine, and the eventual assumption of God-hood.  I understand the breeding project is still active, but I don't believe there have been any significant advances at all.  Unfortunately, it used to be quite common for those born as a result of our breeding program who also possessed the strength to survive childhood to believe that they possessed a unique spirit, a quality of the divine that other individuals did not possess.  I can assure you as a direct witness to many of these incidents that it rarely worked out well for them or for those around them.

The Saucerologist:  Are you saying that throughout Earth's history, your people conducted breeding experiments that led to the creation of individuals who were actually divine?

Yoleoderff (laughing):  Oh, heavens no!  There's no such thing as divinity!  No, these individuals were delusional as a result of the inherent psychological contradictions that came about when the better qualities of my species and the better qualities of your species were intermingled within a single host.  And even then you have to figure in the almost typical chromosome disintegration that often took place.  I can promise you, though, that there was no real divinity, only their belief in divinity.  It certainly created a number of fascinating case files, most of which, I believe, are currently available on Amazon dot com.  Look under "false prophets" or something like that.  I recall reading that the author Colin Wilson once requested a number of files from us some years ago, so you might look under his name.  I'm sure he wrote a book or two on the subject.  For a pagan, he was very prolific considering that most of them tend to spend more time celebrating nature and the fruit of the vine than they do actually producing anything -- except more wine, I mean.  Maybe he just talked the talk, y'know?  Most modern pagans are pretty loose when attesting to their belief system, not like in the old days when someone was expected to volunteer themselves for human sacrifice every twelve years or so.  Now those guys had some real dedication to the program!  In any case, insofar as our breeding program was concerned, a lot of those guys were representative of the same type of personality that you're currently witnessing at work in the mind of Frufrick Sturplefloss.  And I promise you, past examples of the phenomena were no more divine than he is -- or you for that matter.

The Saucerologist:  You know I've got to ask this, now that you've broken the story:  who exactly is on that list of the falsely divine?  Was Jesus Christ?

Yoleoderff:  Given the personalities at work, you'd think that, wouldn't you?  But, no, he was genuinely special, as such things go -- a good man during a really rotten and brutal period in Earth history.  What he went through was just horrific, something nobody should go through, especially if you're just trying to teach people how to be better people.  He was dedicated, though.  He considered his personal mission to be a clear duty to God and to the Hebrew people, so it was surprising, really, that he embodied such considerable humility.  Usually, the assumption of duty makes a man proud, which can turn him into a bit of a dick -- an annoyance more than a teacher worthy of anybody's admiration.  With Yeshua, the man called the Christ, we have the example of a quiet yet brilliant mind, who was also an absolutely terrible dancer.  And, oddly enough, it was this quality that made him such a significantly humble example of a man who acts upon his own assumed definition of duty, because dancing was so incredibly important to the Hebrews.  

Jesus joins in the Dance
That's something you really don't hear about a lot, but it was a plain fact of life amongst many pre-diaspora Jews, especially in Judea.  A lot of dance was ritualized, but it was also an expression of great joy, which was considered a valid and important aspect of worship -- possibly the most important.  King David was a fine dancer, who danced in the streets to celebrate his God and his Rule.  The bringing of the Ark of the Covenant to Jerusalem inspired King David and his subjects to dance before God.  He was known to leap, twist, spin himself silly, jump with both feet into the air, and it was all centered in his religious and worshipful joy.  This was typical of his sons as well. Yeshua, on the other hand, was just clumsy, and that made him appear more than a little creepy when he tried to focus on the dance.  His mother used to laugh at him mercilessly for it!

This practice of dancing was exactly the sort of act that people are supposed to lose themselves in -- it's the whole point of dance as a part of celebration and worship.  But Yeshua the Christ was uncoordinated and clumsy, so he tended to focus on the details, on the steps of the dance, to formalize his own joy.  And, of course, this just made things even worse.  The man had no sense of grace at all.  Eventually, he reached the conclusion that he could never truly worship his God in the instinctual and joyful manner that he desperately desired, so he simply quit trying.  Instead, he came to believe himself duty bound to help others worship properly; he got rid of that internally directed focus on himself and his dancing and re-centered it instead outside of himself.  He focused his joy outward on other people.  

Yeshua saw something that others couldn't:  that people were so concerned about trying to reach their God in joyful communion that they became unable to lose themselves in their worship of God.  His greatest gift was his elucidation of what was primarily an emotional and instinctual belief that the worship of God had little real worth unless the worshiper lost himself in the process, thereby allowing God, as he saw it, to possess man in reckless abandon.  He taught desperate men that their inability to lose themselves in worship trapped them in a never-ending loop of despair.  Privately, he equated the inability of others to properly worship God with his own inability to lose himself in dance.  He sincerely believed that most of the Hebrews of his time had way too much focus and nowhere near enough depth.  To remedy that trait, he taught people that they didn't have to try so hard to get into the Kingdom of God, because they were already there.  In the long run, his handicap of being such a terrible dancer helped him to become a great man and a fine teacher.  

Unfortunately, he neglected to teach that lesson to both the Sadducees and their Roman overseers, so they misinterpreted everything he had to say, and convinced themselves that it was just easier to get rid of him, than to try and understand him.

Ironically, Paul -- the one who was named Saul by his parents -- was very much a product of our breeding program.  He wanted so much for people to consider him divine, but he was such a physically ugly man, that it just would not happen.  You can thank the Greeks for that bit of body prejudice.  Anybody beautiful within had to be beautiful without as well.  If they weren't, they ended up like Socrates -- mad, bad, and dangerous to know.  The man called St. Paul was so ugly because he was a half-breed, but he was a great talker and traveler who was also easily bored, and that was part of his charm. He decided to make Yeshua a God, since he couldn't be one himself.  He had some weird dream of becoming the first Pope, divine by right of conquest, or some such foolish thing, but he didn't know that Peter already had that job nailed down, and he had no intention of giving it away.  

Most of the half-breeds my people came up with were not completely brilliant, and they often came up with terrible coping strategies as a result.  It's why so many of them died when they were so young.  They basically made targets of themselves.

The Saucerologist:  So you're saying that Socrates was also in your breeding program?

Yoleoderff:  Oh, no -- he was just a very ugly, little man, so his arrogance tended to bother people.  He should have tried to control what others said about him a little more. It probably would have helped him a lot if only he had the civil authority to do what the Great Islamic Prophet Muhammad did:  make it a crime to depict him or otherwise describe him to others.  It was a brilliant means of controlling the message, and Muhammad was the first person in history to do so in such an effective way.  Of course, he absolutely had to do it, because he was also in our breeding program, and he definitely looked the part.  The Gray Alien genes really stood out a lot in him, so he had an image problem that needed to be addressed.

The Saucerologist:  I always thought that the Muslims came up with that rule because they were trying to prevent the early adherents to Islam from backsliding into idolatry. You know:  if they can't paint pictures or create statues of the Great Prophet Muhammad, then those members of the church who were raised by their parents as pagans would be less inclined to worship those portraits and those statues of the Prophet when things went bad for them.  If they don't have the actual idols to worship, than they're forced to continue worshipping the undefined image of Allah as taught to them by the undefined image of the Great Prophet Muhammad. 

The Great Prophet, Muhammad
Yoleoderff:  No, no, that's not even close.  After all, backsliders were simply executed.  The early Muslims made it a crime to physically depict the Prophet or otherwise describe his physical form to others, because he wasn't entirely human, and his physical features made that extremely obvious.  It was already a social taboo to depict the physical form of Allah, and that taboo, of course, came about in order to discourage idolatry.  Muhammad, however, was considered a Prophet, not a God.  They made it a crime to depict his image for two reasons:  first, they didn't want possible converts to know what he looked like.  He not only understood and took to heart the lesson of St. Paul, he also realized that he was a target for assassination, and any description of him -- or worse, a picture -- would have endangered both him and the new religion of Islam that he was espousing.  And two, he thought they could get away with it. History proves he was right.  

In any case, it was due to this early taboo regarding the depiction of his physical looks that the Great Prophet Muhammad and his teachings became so successfully ingrained into modern civilization.  They weren't trying to prevent the adoption of idolatry as a target of worship -- they just wanted to keep Muhammad's physical looks a secret.  And they succeeded.

The Saucerologist:  So this breeding program resulted in delusional thinking that was based on their belief that they were unique? 

Yoleoderff:  Absolutely.  The fact that they were genuinely unique is just the pile-on of more irony.  Our program was also the direct cause of living ascensions to heaven.  At some point, the chromosomal character that made such genetic wonders desperate to possess divinity just breaks down, and it happens with extreme speed.  From a short distance away, this chromosomal behavior looks like Dracula being staked out on a lovely, sunny day in July:  he immediately turns into an angry flash of cold light and a bloody mist and just drifts away on the breeze as if he never even existed.  Now that's ascension, my friend!  Just kidding.  It's actually just another hum drum death, but it looks just remarkable, so a lot people with just a tiny bit of sense suggested that this sudden cloud of red, misty blood and pheromones came about when God ascended his most holy representatives to Heaven.  Actually they just died another kind of messy death.  The closer you were, the messier it got.  It was all very dramatic really.  At least it looked that way.  

The Saucerologist:  And yet the breeding program is still active.  Why is that?

Yoleoderff:  Why do you think?  False prophets tend to unite public opinion one way or the other, and that's a valuable commodity in any age.  Populations under this type of influence are either fanatical under the application of their religious beliefs, or they're fanatical in their contempt for religious belief.  Either way, they make it easy for us Gray Aliens to predict their effect on others which in turn makes control of entire societies an easy goal for us to adopt.  We use a very well constructed series of mathematical applications governed by a standard protocol that's been in use by our anthropology conditioners now for about 1600-years.  It's been tested and confirmed by quality assurance engineers throughout the entire history of its use, so we're very confident of its accuracy.  We were able to predict the conservative revolution of the 1980s under Ronald Reagan about 60-years before the United States had even declared its independence.  In fact, the first set of logarithmic predictors were actually being assessed in the 1690s!  Our temporal engineers, however, weren't confident enough in the results to act upon them until right around 1712.
I often wonder whether or not it would have been possible to limit the economic disaster that Reagan and his Republican cohorts precipitated if we had started acting upon those predictors in the 1690s when they were first noted.  Reagan didn't believe that a nation's debts could have any influence at all on that nation's internal economic stressors, so he didn't care much how many debts his administration needlessly assumed.  He was the first American President to create a national deficit over a trillion dollars, and the recklessness this precedent set and the fact that it was progressively reapplied by every Republican President that followed has completely ripped out the heart of the GOP's insistence that it alone possesses the moral integrity to prepare the Earth for the benefit of future populations.  The truth of the matter tells a completely different story.  Republicans throughout the 20th and, thus far, the 21st centuries have done more damage to the United States' fiscal and probative identity than the American Civil War of the 1860s.  That's what happens when you decide to declare war on science:  you lose.  Always.  You know, it becomes harder every year for the GOP to deny that its belief in a Biblical Apocalypse and its unrepentant intention to bring about that Apocalypse by any means necessary is the primary basis of its entire underlying national policy and ultimate intent.  That's why we Gray Aliens always vote Democrat; we don't want to be forced to witness the radioactive destruction of this entire planet just so the Republican Party can crow about how they're the only party in America trying to facilitate the Second Coming of Jesus Christ!

In any case, we discovered a long time ago that the polarizing nature created by the inception of false prophets and the unconditional use of outlandish prophecy by such individuals can often be used to influence entire populations, thereby allowing for some measure of control that wouldn't normally exist.  I won't go into any of the details, because the aggressive application of such knowledge by those who don't understand it can sometimes have a grave effect on the outcome, but I can tell you that my people have been diligently and tirelessly working to prevent a worldwide Apocalypse brought on by religious cranks since around 330 A.D.  The true enemy of all life is constantly attempting to expedite the Second Coming of Jesus Christ or the Advent of Allah, or the Reign of Jehovah, or God or whatever other little nickname you people have for the Prime Deity -- a Deity that I happen to know for a fact hasn't even been born yet. 

You people go on and on and on about the end of the world like it's supposed to be some great, driving force of humanity, a goal the whole universe should jump behind and give a push to, but you're always changing the silly damn rules intended to get you there!  You have no consistency at all, not even from one election to the next.  It can be very frustrating at times to try and figure you silly people out.  Humans tend to have nothing but contempt for false prophets, but until somebody in authority decides that they are indeed false, you can't help but jump out of your own skin trying to be the first in line to follow their ultimately ridiculous directions and built in, handy dandy tools for improving a perfectly acceptable life by turning it into what's usually a long, painful, ultimately meaningless and foolishly uncompromising existence!  Do you people ever bother to examine the self-imposed restrictions these maniacs convince you to adopt?  You're not supposed to mix milk with blood, a living sacrifice is better than a vegetable sacrifice, it's a sin to pack away your woolen sweaters with your cotton T-shirts, you have to love your neighbor, but if you do so too much, your neighbor has to execute you, the first man in line is an idiot, while the last man in line is a criminal for not being the first man in line, the buttress of your pain is below your glory, but forsake thee not the man who holds your heart high!  I can assure you most vigorously and with extreme sincerity that our use of such deluded individuals who invariably populate this huge, starry-eyed collection of false prophets and mockingbird gods has prevented worldwide Holocaust, Apocalypse, the end of the yellow-brick road or whatever else you want to call the very real destruction of most of the advanced life on most of this little blue planet at least eleven times in the past four-hundred and fifty years alone -- and a lot of it you people have still failed to even notice!  Because of their general delusions and outwardly directed stupidity, the false prophets of this planet you call DIRT represent tools that can be very useful in the right hands.  Look, we don't normally try to explain any of this to the Human Race.  You have a nasty habit of taking very real brilliance and dulling it to a flat gray.  Hell, every time you find a real prophet, you end up torturing him or her to death! 

Look, don't believe me -- you'll probably be happier for it -- but everything that I've said, you can actually prove.  The only prerequisites are to go to school, learn a little science, and then apply it.  I promise you, it's very easy to see the effects of that control of false prophecy and manipulated character development at any time by simply learning how to determine what events or actions or even motivations fall clearly under the direct influence of mankind's delusions of grandeur, because nine times out of ten those delusions are being influenced by those false prophets who are still around and still religiously seeking an audience to enthrall. It's very easy. Once you know what you're looking for, all of history spins nicely into place. 

The Saucerologist:  So you mean that some of these deluded cranks are still out there? They're still alive and preaching?  Now that's a news story!  So spill it, pal.  Who today is active, influential and looking to be God?

Yoleoderff:  You humans never listen.  And you never ask the hard questions.  Who do you think is at the top of the list?  It's always someone who wants to tear everything down in order to replace it with something worse, so it should be obvious. 

It's Donald Trump...  Hell, it's always been Donald Trump.

This is a Saucer Press International Publication.