Thursday, October 29, 2015

Gray Aliens Under Fire by Republicans

Ted Cruz Announces GOP Efforts to "Get the Gray Out of Government"

SPI WASHINGTON, DC - At least one participant in the GOP Presidential debates has focused his efforts for defeating the Democrats on the only coalition of voters in American history to have ever voted for Democrat candidates 100% of the time:  the Alien Grays originating in the Zeta Reticuli star-system.

Ted Cruz, Republican Senator from Texas and Presidential hopeful, is angry that the American media has ignored his efforts to create a political issue around the influence Alien Grays are rumored to have in the Washington, DC social milieu primarily occupied by those closely affiliated with the Obama administration.  "It has become more than apparent that we can't trust the media to report the news that's important to us.  That's why I've been forced to organize a GOP blue-ribbon committee to 'Get the Gray Out of Government.'  This is an issue that Americans are sadly ignorant of, and it's largely due to the media's complete silence in regard to this matter, a silence that I believe is the result of the Alien Grays' tendency to vote Democrat in all elections!  They vote in blocs of 100%, a habit I believe is the direct result of their ability -- an ability many Democrats insist does not exist -- to communicate great distances via extra-sensory perception, a mind-to-mind ability that nobody else in American politics can possibly take any firm advantage of!

"Let me be very clear about this so even those socialists at the New York Times can understand:  we don't want the Grays to be represented in government at all!  They don't think like us, they aren't concerned with matters that all good Americans should be concerned with, and they don't give a hot damn about the future of this country!"

When asked to comment on rumors currently circulating the Beltway and surrounding areas that the Alien Grays have been successfully teaching select Democrats, including both President Obama and Democrat front-runner Hillary Clinton, how to communicate mind-to-mind in complete silence, Senator Cruz angrily demanded, "How about we discuss substantive issues instead of these pathetic little rumors?"

We don't want the Grays to be
represented in government at all!
The "substantive issues" the Presidential hopeful wants America to focus on is not, however, entirely free of Alien Gray influence.  Senator Cruz made it clear that he had some concerns regarding those aliens who are born in the United States, and are, for that reason, American citizens confirmed by Constitutional decree.  "The 14th Amendment to the Constitution is no longer applicable to the needs and desires of true Americans, and it absolutely has to be replaced.  The founders of this great nation were very much aware that the future would bring about challenges that had never been faced before, and that's why they made it possible for future Americans to change the Constitution when it becomes necessary for them to do so.  The 'Gray Threat' is one of those challenges, and a change in the Constitution is now necessary.  Let me be very clear so nobody in this great nation misunderstands my intent:  we need to repeal the 14th Amendment.  We need to get rid of that ridiculous and unnecessary definition of an American that stipulates birth in this country as the only quality, the only necessity, that guarantees American citizenship."

The Texas Senator eventually found it necessary to put a more reasonable face on his most recent proposal.  "My friends, we need to look at this matter as an opportunity, not a political chore.  This isn't something Americans should be afraid of!  We should see it as a means to redefine the measuring stick that we use when we seek to affirm America's place in the world today!  We don't need the un-human presence to make America a better country, so why should we recognize members of the un-human presence as American citizens simply because of some accidental birth on American soil?  Let me add that this should be understood as a huge bonus that we can take advantage of in order to fashion the future of our America in ways that most Americans have not yet conceived.

"I promise you that if we determine that the accidental birth of those who define an un-human presence is not sufficient in and of itself to assume the bestowal of citizenship upon that un-human presence, I don't see any reason why we shouldn't reach the same conclusion in regard to those who seek to steal proper citizenship by using illegal immigration as the means to do so!

"I don't see any reason why we shouldn't reach the same conclusion in regard to a homosexual foreign man who seeks to steal proper citizenship by paying a poor Mexican-American man to marry him! 

"I don't see any reason why we shouldn't reach the same conclusion in regard to those without decent and reasonable liquid assets who seek to burden America by wasting their citizenship as members of the Democrat's welfare state! 

"I don't see any reason why we shouldn't reach the same conclusion in regard to those with genetic deficiencies who seek to burden America by forcing taxpayers to foot the bill for the care that their own families have refused to grant them! 

"The Democrats want to empty our prisons, and toss all those drug addicts and pedophiles off at the bus stop in front of your favorite 7-11!  Well, I intend to propose that we toss a whole new class of criminal into the prisons where they clearly belong -- a class of prisoner who illegally immigrated here from Zeta Reticuli! 

"We need to repeal the 14th Amendment and redefine what an American is today!  Why should we be forced to rely on the definition of an 'American' that was established in 1868?  The conditions today are completely different and the definition of an American in 1868 is no longer applicable to America in 2015!  In a world where a pregnant Alien Gray, her husband and her 3rd Sexer can take a twenty minute afternoon flight from Zeta Reticuli, crash land in some poor New Mexican farmer's back yard and spit out a couple of cute, little gray babies who are going to reach their biological voting age in about twenty-nine months as predetermined by a Democrat voting bloc in the very same Act of Congress that gave us Obama-Care, than any definition of an American citizen that relies solely on 'all persons born or naturalized in the United States,' is, as far as I'm concerned, nothing short of moral treason!  And that is not good, people, not good at all.

We need to repeal the 14th Amendment
and redefine what an American is today!
"When members of the 'Gray Threat' are simply assumed to be American citizens with all the rights of American citizens due to the accident of their birth on American soil, or even worse, the calculation of their birth on American soil, then it is high time for us to establish a new definition in regard to what constitutes an American in the 21st century!"

Upon being asked to respond to Senator Cruz's comments, Democrat candidate and Presidential front-runner Hillary Clinton stated, "Whenever I hear someone from the Great State of Texas start to discuss their proposed national policy regarding how best to contain the threat of Americans with genetic deficiencies, I can't help but wonder why they can't be a little more honest to the voters by running under some fascist ticket instead of as a Republican.
"Frankly, I'd really like to know why it is that the voters in Texas are so willing to consider matters regarding what an American is supposed to be like as discussed and promulgated by a man who clearly judges the worth of an American by the political party he or she supports.  If he really believes that's the only worthwhile measure of a man, I suspect Senator Cruz is going to be cruelly misused on election day, and very disappointed come the following morning."

This is a Saucer Press International Publication.

Saturday, October 24, 2015

Bosnian Scientist Proves Walls Were First Designed by Ancient Aliens

(Or Possibly by Genius Neanderthals)

SPI BOSNIA - There are literally thousands of great walls that have been discovered on every continent and at the bottom of numerous oceans and lakes, thereby proving their great age and scientific value.  They are made of various types of rock and stone that were often mined and mysteriously carried in some way to their ultimate destination, many of which have proven to be hundreds, even dozens of miles away.  The basic design of man's walls have not changed at all from  the earliest of times to today, and we still use them all the time.  In fact, man's walls can be found all over the world, many of which were obviously patterned after original structures that may be as ancient as 15,000 to 45,000 years old! 

Some of these mysterious structures were erected across entire continents, seemingly without any real purpose.  They have been used in the creation of every common structure known to man, purposely shaped into every imaginable geometric design ever conceived, from squares to triangles to circles, and today are believed to form the basic component of every architectural thought ever borne upon this planet.  And yet, many scientists are today convinced that the advanced knowledge necessary to construct these fantastic, sideways pillars of the human mind and human thought came to us from beyond the stars, and are prototypically un-human!

Dr. Osmanagich explains how walls are
miraculously universal in design.
Dr. Sam Osmanagich Ph.D., director of the Center for Anthropology and Archaeology at the American University in Bosnia (aptly named, having been dedicated to the teaching of American science) has authored 11 books about ancient civilizations that he believes may have been responsible for the first creation of walls on the planet Earth.  Walls, Osmanagich tells us, were first invented during an outburst of human creativity and triumph so productive that its equal has never been noted before or since.  He claims that many of these walls were erected well before humanity was sophisticated enough to do so without some measure of assistance, and asks us to consider one paramount question before writing off his theories as the meandering puffiness of a first rate fool and charlatan without the God-given sense to apply general, well-proven systems of thought to the finely-focused explosion of pure stupidity that many scientists claim his theories truly represent:  did ancient civilizations build these great walls of stone or are ancient aliens actually responsible for the worldwide construction of walls in elaborate architectural patterns that seem to have been universally applied everywhere at once across the entire planet Earth so many thousands of years ago?  It's a good question!

The oldest Chinese and Egyptian walls are far superior to those erected later.  Older walls were often built from granite and sandstone blocks of immense size, while more recent walls are fashioned with small bricks often constructed of little more than the mud and straw that Hebrew slaves allegedly used to construct the Egyptian pyramids.  The walls we build today are meager, puny things in comparison with the great walls of history.  According to Osmanagich, only the least likely of explanations can account for the evidence he has uncovered in the mud and ancient swamps of modern Europe and Asia.  It has become apparent to him that there are only TWO possibilities that will fit into the history he has so ably built up and established from nothing:  either (1) ancient aliens who originated on another planet orbiting another star were the true architects of the Earth's many walls and we were their willing students, or (2) an ancient yet worldwide civilization of sophisticated Neanderthal men existed on Earth as depicted in our ancient texts and discussed in our ancient legends, and they were the great architects of the world's amazing walls that we later inherited from them when their inability to design advanced weaponry such as the compound bow and arrow to replace the traditional spears they had originally designed ensured their complete extinction!

Science tells us that ancient humans were not very sophisticated, being only slightly above the intelligence level of cave men and possessing no real knowledge of architectural forms at all.  There were no colleges or universities in which a man could learn the skills of an architect.  In ancient times, we are taught, the world was governed by the Illuminati, the "faceless, educated ones," those who learned only at the feet of their strangely dressed masters.  Ancient drawings depict these masters as short, angry men who were squat yet powerful.  Analysis of these drawings suggest, however, that they may not have been angry, as our forefathers thought, but merely possessed of large foreheads atop cranial expanses that were singularly heavy in size and weight.  Could they have been Neanderthal men, with such swollen facial features?  Or were they the features of our alien teachers with large skulls hiding their frightening and imposing intellectual character?  Whether they were aliens or Neanderthals is questionable, but there is no doubt whatsoever that they were the true architects, the first builders of Earth's grand walls.

Once we have posited the highly advanced civilization that gave impetus to those who built the walls, it becomes necessary to determine the technology that was used to do so in the now lost remnants of our common prehistory. What was the mysterious power source that enabled ancient man to create the walls that protected him? It's ridiculous to assume that men simply carried one rock at a time, stacking brick upon brick, one atop another, side by side as documented in some cases of one to two hundred feet at a time. What patience and strength of will could have possibly enabled ancient man to create such structures, oftentimes well over the height of his own stature of six-feet or more for many yards at a time, a single stretch of wall sometimes being as thick as four to eight feet? It's impossible for man to have done so with little more than the simple levers and mortars and pestles that made up the only real tools he had access to and thumbs to properly utilize. What manner of technology could ancient man or his alien space brothers or his Neanderthal task masters have possibly harnessed?

The history of walls is largely a history of the unknown.
Only the technology of harmonic resonance, claims author-engineer Christopher Dunn, could have managed such a civilization-bending task.  Dunn reveals that the Great Wall of China was in reality a large electronic acoustical device of the same sort utilized by well-known music band Depeche Mode in the modern day castles their great musical success has given them the means to purchase.  "Their huge hit, 'Master and Servant', could very easily have been composed at the same time the Great Wall of China was being constructed,"  Dunn insists.  "If you run enough electrical current through that Great Wall, indeed, through almost any similarly constructed wall, you would be able to compel millions of Chinese peasants to dance their asses off!"  That alone, claims Dunn, could solve China's present day energy crisis for decades to come, and could do so without raising the carbon dioxide content in our atmosphere.  All that needs to be done to solve this rhythmic riddle is to figure out how to create the electrical current to run through that Great Wall."  Unfortunately, it is at this point that the ancients grow silent, and thereby makes "Master and Servant" such a dire necessity.

Certain facts cannot, however, be denied, and it is within these facts that we uncover the truth behind the fable.  The harmonic resonance of large rectangular structures like walls can be converted to microwave radiation, according to Christopher Dunn.  When ancient architects used their knowledge of walls to construct protected and sheltered areas such as rooms and chambers, it became possible to maximize the wall's natural acoustical qualities.  All that was needed was a consistent and recreationally applied source of electrical energy to do so.  Dr. Sam Osmanagich, who first pursued the historical importance of walls on the planet Earth, has pointed out that the means to convert atmospheric electricity into a stable source of electrical energy was also understood and written about by Nikola Tesla, an avant garde rock group of the 1990s.  "It was Tesla who first suggested that all you need to complete this puzzle are the electrical terminals, cables and ancient wiring diagrams that are used today by almost every modern day rock group -- the non-acoustic ones, anyway.  You need those simple tools, all of which are easily mastered, and nothing more.  Well, those tools and a whole lot of lightning, anyway.  Thank you, Jesus!"

Christopher Dunn has answered all of these mysteries and more in his numerous historical essays.  He teaches us that it is hidden within the compounded structure of walls that the ultimate answers are discovered, and it is these secrets of the walls that he illuminates for modern man.  "Granite used to construct walls all over the world contains a high percentage of quartz, which possesses the natural ability to transform kinetic energy into electricity." 

That kinetic energy is easy to produce, according to Depeche Mode.  "Kinetic energy is what happens when you play "Master and Servant" -- the social game from the French Revolution, not the song.  You see, walls are designed to vibrate, and vibration is, by its universal nature, a producer of kinetic energy.  Music makes a wall rock, and the quartz makes it roll!"  And as the great teachings have come down to us, dance is little more than controlled kinetic energy!

Are these the bricks that launched a thousand ships?
Music makes the granite wall vibrate, according to Dunn.  Movable granite causes stress within the quartz.  The movement of the electrons within the quartz generates the well known Piezo-electric effect.  "The electricity is then produced, and all we needed was a wall and some music, and the two together enabled mankind to create walls all over the Earth."  This is why music is so important to ancient religious movements, and as modern physics has taught us, movement has always been kinetic in character.  Music is the provider of power, and power lights up the whole world!  This technology could only have been mastered by the natural civilizations built up from so little by the ageless Neanderthals or by the ancient aliens who created our civilization with their flying saucers and technical secrets and know-how.  And they did it by building our walls and teaching us to sing.

It was the energy in our music that built the greatest of Earth's walls.  For as the Illuminati once taught our forefathers:  great Amphion, a son of Zeus, was taught to play the golden lyre by the god Hermes.  He used this gift by helping to build the magnificent walls around the Cadmea, the citadel of ancient Thebes that protected this greatest of cities for about a hundred years!  While his brother Zethus struggled to carry his stones, Amphion simply played his lyre and his stones followed after him and gently glided into place, exactly as Robert A. Heinlein pictured in his great tome of Earth's Martian history Stranger in a Strange Land.  It was the music that released the energy that lay within the walls.  And it was that energy that enabled mankind to build even more magnificent walls.  The walls of the church were raised from the Earth, and only then did the hymns that celebrate the Word move the spirit of God to wash across the world.

However, the Illuminati also taught early man that power could destroy as well as create, for hidden within the song was raw energy that could be directed at will.  In this manner, the walls of Jericho were brought down low, and the so-called Chosen of God captured the city in blood and fire.  But that was discussed in man's written history, which is a place of few mysteries.  By the time Jericho's great biblical walls were ripped asunder, man's ancient teachers were no more.  The Neanderthal races had been extinct for more than a couple hundred years, and their great achievements had not yet been rediscovered in man's oldest textbooks or at his favorite archeological sites. 

The alien creatures that probably taught man how to farm and cook his agricultural products, how to be proper husbands to the animals he raises for food and recreation, and how to vote in a democratic society had decided to live in their flying saucers and to cease their attempts to directly influence man's course through time by ordering him around and telling him what to do.  They had already taught man the most important lessons of civilization, such as how to read and, in many cases, how to write, how to ferment the grapes of wrath so he could take part in the Eucharist as God clearly intended instead of being forced to use grape jelly or juice, and, perhaps most importantly, how to dress in proper and fashionable clothing with separate standards dependent on gender, this being the best and least expensive way for a poor man with a fairly decent, lower middle class job with average opportunities for advancement to attract a mate. But then our alien benefactors determined that an end to their stewardship had been reached.

No one knows why our alien space brothers decided to step away from their earlier course of teaching man how to navigate with pride and decency through time.  Perhaps they decided that a gentler means of education was necessary.  Or perhaps they determined to be more influential through their silent guidance of man's cultural pursuits.  It cannot be denied that man's desire for more pleasurable ways to pass the time has only recently -- in the judgment of geographical ages -- managed to create dances that also contained elements of high levels of kinetic energy.  Only recently has man discovered how to increase the amplitude of his music through electronic methods.  These faults in our otherwise natural tendency toward self-control and quietude would suggest that we were ill-prepared to discover the great secret hidden within our walls until this very moment in time and this point in our cultural evolution.  Just think!  If man had been able to recreate this one amazing method of energy replenishment a million years ago when he first learned to build sailboats, he would very probably never have been forced to rely on the combustion engines that run on gasoline or diesel fuel or petroleum byproducts, and would therefore never have invented and then taken advantage of the Industrial Revolution after Eisenhower was first elected President!  If we could have taken advantage of such a small detour in human history, we might not have had to deal with global warming and the inherent inability of our national philosophies to create and sell a cure-all for global warming.  We wouldn't have been forced to try and finance an international agenda that is considered an overly paranoid response by a national populace that is no longer afraid of anything except UFOs and elections.

Well, we can't whine about the problems man has today.  All we can do is try to solve our problems and hope that we don't destroy the world in the process.  Only then can we hope to persuade our space brothers to someday return to Earth and tell us what to do next!

This is a Saucer Press International Publication.

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Unemployed Gray Alien Sues State Department Under Civil Rights Act

Does Racial Profiling Prevent Gainful Employment?

SPI WASHINGTON, DC -  Ralph Hafflefloff, a gray alien born in Tucson, Arizona, filed suit in Washington, DC this morning claiming that the racial profiling practiced by the State Department has prevented him/her from seeking gainful employment with the Transportation Security Administration (TSA).  His/her lawyer, Mr. Todtslo Ruben of Alexandria, Virginia, cited the Civil Rights Act and the 14th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution as paramount arguments favoring his client's case.  Hafflefloff's parents were part of the first wave of Astro Kin settlers welcomed by the federal government in 1949.  Hafflefloff, having been born in the United States, is an American citizen.

Does skin color prevent gainful employment?

"All I ever wanted to do was serve my nation in its pursuit of a secure future," Hafflefloff insists.  "I have been prevented from achieving my dream by the United States' own State Department as a result of organized oppression authored by those who are consumed by their hatred of 'grayskins', as we've been called.  I never thought I would ever see the day that a citizen of the United States of America would ever be so consciously and insultingly plotted against merely to prevent me from becoming a happy and tolerant citizen with only one real desire:  to protect my country and to see it succeed when others would bring her down.  I was born in this great country, and I'm as much a citizen as anybody else!  Why am I barred from living out my American dream?  Why am I prevented from helping to make my nation a safer and more secure homeland?  I'm hated and feared and cursed, because of my skin color.  Why can't I simply be judged by the content of my character?" 

Secretary of State John Kerry released the following statement of policy in regard to Hafflefloff's lawsuit:  "The State Department has no issue with Mr. Hafflefloff's skin color.  We fully recognize and honor the equality inherent to all skin colors.  Racial profiling is a heinous practice and a disgusting measure of judgment, and it has no place amongst the duties of our government.  Frankly, it's an insult to seek redress on the basis of such a practice."

Kerry makes it very clear that "Ralph Hafflefloff's skin color has no bearing on this matter, so there is no legal standing or merit to his/her case.  The reason for his/her failure to find gainful employment is entirely due to his/her sexual orientation.  As a 3rd Sexer, he/she is clearly unsuitable for a career in the TSA.  He/she would be expected to follow current TSA policy, and TSA policy requires officers to conduct one-on-one screening only with members of his or her same sex.  Gray aliens are infamously afraid of flying, so who exactly would Hafflefloff screen?  No his/her flying means there's no his/her screening.

"We didn't even notice his/her skin color."

"It's also a well-known tenet of federal assurance that matters of a sexual nature require as little government interference as possible due to the extreme level of reckless embarrassment that tends more often than not to be associated with such a tight, limited focus.  Take for instance the case of Jeffrey Dahmer.  Ten years after his little government protest, the great city of Milwaukee had still failed to legislate any act or practice that might involve necrophilia.  It's almost like they're afraid to even discuss it in their own court of law, for God's sake!  Well, let me tell you something:  your government applauds that sort of reticence to dictate policy, especially when that policy is so clearly necessary.  It shows us that you're willing to sacrifice a point of good order and necessary decorum to keep government out of your bedroom or -- if you're still a teenager -- the backseat of your Dad's car.  So God bless you."

Ralph Hafflefloff refused to comment further, but his lawyer, Todtslo Ruben, insists that a lawsuit based on skin color cannot be ignored simply because the State Department recognizes the additional element of sexual orientation.

This is a Saucer Press International Publication.

Sunday, October 11, 2015

New Photograph Proves ET Hypothesis

Supports "Friendly Alien" Theory

SPI PARIS, FRANCE - A photograph recently discovered among various documents and letters thought to have once been the property of author and philosopher John-Paul Sartre has managed to excite dozens of analysts and researchers who are convinced that it depicts an alien creature standing next to a flying saucer.  It was purchased by an anonymous bidder at an estate sale of items recently discovered at a Shurgard Self Storage facility in Paris and Ile-de-France and subsequently declared to be abandoned property.  It was believed by the organizers of the auction to have been the property of 1964 Nobel Laureate for Literature John-Paul Sartre, because a signed copy of Henri Bergson's essay "Time and Free Will: An Essay on the Immediate Data of Consciousness" was discovered amongst other items.  It was inscribed, "To John-Paul:  You seem like a good guy, so I'm going to tell you a secret.  You will never make any money with a degree in Philosophy.  Whether it's a Masters or a Doctorate isn't even relevant, because the only meaningful thing your degree will ever represent is how much of your life you wasted in the pursuit of idiocy.  Thanks for coming to the reading, and have a great life."

The photograph itself has been analyzed in some depth by a number of experts in the context of modern ufology, including members of the Belgian UFO investigative group SOBEPS, Professor Marc Acheroy, Frangois Louange, a specialist in satellite imagery with the French national space research center, Dr. Richard Haines, a former senior scientist with NASA, and Professor Andre Marion, doctor of nuclear physics and professor at the University of Paris-Sud.  These scientists are famous for their in-depth analysis of a photograph taken in Petit Rechain, Belgium in April, 1990 by an anonymous twenty-year-old man.  Their ground-breaking discussion of the Petit Rechain photo, especially in regard to its highly credible nature as representative of the 1989-1990 wave of UFO sightings in Belgium, contrasts favorably with their analysis of the Sartre photo.  Both are clearly important in the history of UFO photo analysis, and both represent the primarily scientific examination of media designed to assist the scientific community to reach valid conclusions in regard to UFOs and their inherent technological characteristics.  The contents of their recent Sartre photo report are, however, especially startling: 
The high-contrast and washed-out colors that are immediately notable to the lowliest observer could only occur in the presence of a light fusion drive encompassed by a series of gravity dampers connected in parallel and fully synchronized under a high-positron yield energy refraction system.  This is huge -- it's revolutionary!  As such, it proves absolutely and without the necessity for debate that not only do UFOs originate from a location outside of our solar system, they are also capable of travelling between galaxies.
In the first appendix of this report, Dr. Richard Haines, former senior scientist with NASA, insists that
nothing like this can be manufactured by humans.  This advanced technology isn't merely a couple of generations beyond our capabilities; we're talking about thousands of years ahead of our current abilities.  Even the most basic understanding of the technology this craft uses for intergalactic navigation is beyond human capability.  Not even string theory can account for this type of high-tech spatial travel.  We're talking about the possibility of melting down literally dozens of dimensional rifts simply to produce the energy necessary for this craft to fly just a few dozen miles in our atmosphere.  God alone knows much would be required to fly a million light years through empty space.  Well, God and the aliens who built it, anyway. 
If you take these tenets to their natural conclusion, I believe you would also be forced to accept the reality of the multi-universe theory.  The only possible way you can account for the actual movement and flight that this flying saucer is clearly intended to achieve is by recognizing the necessity for a power source that literally consumes adjacent universes, and releases that immense energy in controlled bursts of coalescing fields of dark matter that may even be associated with quasar phenomena.  It should be obvious to even the least educated among us that we have now passed all the way through the looking glass.  And that, too, requires a lot of energy.  We're not going to get there on just a few gallons of dinosaur poop, boys and girls.

New "Sartre photo" ends debate on ET
Another analyst devoted to the importance of the Sartre photo is Christopher Montgomery, famous for his eye-opening analysis of photos used by the 1967 Colorado UFO Study, which was responsible for the USAF's determination that UFOs are natural phenomenon and need not be investigated by any component of the U.S. Department of Defense.  Some paragraphs of Montgomery's separate report of his examination of the Sartre photo are almost word-for-word duplicates of elements typical of his report regarding the Colorado UFO Study photos:

The asymmetrical character of the UFO indicates that it is somewhere between our dimension and the next.  The harsh outlines and uneven coloring in the photograph fits in well with my conclusions regarding the craft's likely power source.  Fusion power could use deuterium fuel, which is readily available in ordinary tap water.  Through the process of nucleosynthesis, for example, the UFO's exhaust would be gamma radiation.  Gamma is a common byproduct of UFOs interacting within our environment.  The distortion of the craft's linear characteristics could easily be caused by a massive influx of gamma radiation originating in tap water.  This same phenomenon is implied in the structure of VaporFi e-cigarettes and vaporizers, which also releases an exhaust of water vapor and microscopic gamma stigmata.  The cloud-like exhaust in the Sartre photo makes this assertion extremely likely.
All of the reports strongly suggest the authors' opinions that the single alien standing next to his flying saucer is friendly in nature and therefore inclined to assist the populations of Earth to reach the summit of our ethical goals, including but certainly not limited to the attainment of world peace, the elimination of hunger and thirst, and the achievement by all of equal pay for equal jobs, regardless of sex, creed, or religion, but without the normally attendant destruction of sex, creed, or religion.  Oh, and also gun control.  Almost all aliens -- illegal as well as legal -- are willing to work with us to meet the noblest of our goals involving gun control.  Of all those individuals who were involved in the drafting of the reports analyzing the Sartre photo, Professor Marc Acheroy expresses the clearest opinion in regard to the decent and heartfelt character, as well as the steadfast and simple humanity of the alien in the photograph:  "He is obviously smiling, and his arms are open wide in the universal gesture of openness and good nature and aggressive welcome from one partner of intergalactic alliance to another, making any further debate on scientific terms a complete waste of time and effort.  Of course he's friendly.  Why the Hell wouldn't he be?  He landed in America!"

When it was pointed out to Acheroy that while the location depicted in the photograph was unknown, the photograph itself was discovered in France, amongst the property of a French philosopher and author who was well known for his stubborn refusal to travel anywhere, even within the borders of his own nation, his response was another universal gesture, albeit not one that could be mistaken for a symbol of openness and good nature and aggressive welcome.

This is a Saucer Press International Publication.

Thursday, October 8, 2015

Secrets of Rendlesham UFO Finally Exposed!

Trace Evidence Confirms Nature of UFO

SPI LONDON, ENGLAND - Recent analysis of trace evidence, including DNA, discovered and collected at the scene of the Rendlesham UFO incursion was finally analyzed this week.  The evidence has been maintained as confidential case materials at a USAF holding facility at Barksdale AFB, Louisiana.  An extensive analysis was undertaken once the technology to do so was available.  The resulting conclusions have finally been established and the facts are undeniable:  it was Dick Van Dyke.

In December 1980, military servicemen engaged in a security exercise at Rendlesham Forest, England witnessed what was subsequently reported to be a UFO.  Many UFOlogists in Great Britain and abroad consider the case one of the foremost UFO incidents on record.  It has often been referred to as the "British Roswell", possibly a recognition of the poor driving and navigational skills reportedly possessed by the alleged alien pilots that seem to be common to both cases.

The materials in question had been held untested for thirty-five years, making it the oldest forensic evidence archive to be successfully tested and reported upon in USAF history.  Air Force personnel associated with the holding facility reported that the tests were conducted at the formal request of eleven members of the British Parliament, all of whom have requested anonymity.  USAF sources added that the tests would never have been conducted had a formal request not been made.

One of the service members directly involved with the testing characterized the USAF response in the context of its importance to national security:  "We're really not that interested.  In our experience, UFO investigations have proven to be a complete waste of time, effort and money, and we wish to God people would leave us out of it.  You should tell folks to just call a cop for chrissake.  That's the easy answer.  They're paid to give a damn!"

An inwardly consistent solution to the Rendlesham Forest incident has never been effectively proposed, a condition likely stemming from the inability of witnesses to maintain a cohesive and consistent testimony, a characteristic of the case that has been recognized and willingly elaborated on by skeptics for many years.  Details of this sort have also convinced many news organizations and government personnel that there was no actual UFO involvement with the events at Rendlesham Forest in 1980.

While it is true that Walter Matthau was once considered a likely suspect for the Rendlesham Forest UFO, that supposition was never proven.  In contrast, Dick Van Dyke's association with the case was never considered as even a remote possibility.  The DNA trace evidence, however, has ascertained to a probability of 1 in 294-billion that any solution that does not include entertainer Dick Van Dyke's responsibility for the incident would be a tremendous waste of time to even consider.  As Walter Matthau once stated when asked whether or not he was "that funny little guy" in Mary Poppins, "well, honey, I'm pretty sure that only Dick Van Dyke can fill those shoes.  Unless you're talkin' about those goddamn penguins, in which case you need to shut-up and get me another Martini.

Dick Van Dyke: Rendlesham UFO?
"I guess it could have been me," the famous actor and comedian stated in a phone call with SPI editors.  "I was a little off the normal bend in those days, and I was certainly in the region more than once.  I used to fall asleep outside a lighthouse that was in the area.  The truth is, I don't remember much of anything else, so obviously I can't confirm the story.  On the other hand, I can't say for certain that I was not involved."

A self-admitted alcoholic, Van Dyke insists that "it wasn't the alcohol that did it.  I was getting some fine treatment for that and was almost what you'd call sober throughout the 1980s.  On the other hand, I was a monster for horse tranquilizers blind-sided with a little crystal chaser, so pretty much anything else really is possible."

When asked to comment on the possibility that someone might have seen him running around the woods, and reported him as the Rendlesham UFO, the renowned funnyman insisted that "there was a good couple of years when my Fitzwilly acted pretty independently of my will power, trying to Chitty Chitty Bang Bang everything from Bye Bye Birdie to Mary Poppins, so, yeah -- I'd say it's possible."

Asked to explain that comment, he wiggled his ears, jumped up and kicked his heels together and fretted, "How the Hell am I supposed to answer that?  I've been clinically ridiculous since 1961!  I thought I was a leprechaun throughout the 1970s until my agent showed me how little gold I really had access to.  Why do you think I went back to network television?"

Local MUFON members insist that Van Dyke couldn't possibly be responsible for the incident.  Executive Director of MUFON, Jan C. Harzan, insists that "those DNA tests had to be bogus.  This is all just another USAF cover-up in action.  Those guys are shameless."  Asked what evidence he has to support this belief, Harzan was unflinching:  "I've got a pretty insistent feeling about it, and that is more than enough to convince me -- my doubts are instinctual, and I trust them one-hundred percent.  They've never been wrong, because they're based entirely on the psychic projections originating with the aliens currently based on the far side of the moon.  I'm pretty sure I could prove it to the whole world in an instant if the USAF would simply release all of the classified documentation related to the case.  I already know they've got it -- they've just made it impossible for folks like you and me to examine it."

Harzan added that while he was certain DNA profiles of everybody whose name ever appeared in a newspaper have indeed been archived and are now maintained by the military-industrial complex currently centralized in the United States, he is absolutely certain that those records prove nothing at all in relation to the Rendlesham UFO incident.  "The USAF cover-up at Rendlesham can't possibly be explained using DNA, because the aliens who are responsible for the Rendlesham UFO incident don't even have DNA.  They're constructed entirely of a silicone base.  That's why American men find them so damn attractive." 

Upon being queried, the USAF Public Relations Office attached to Barksdale AFB, Louisiana, issued the following three sentence rebuke to Harzan's charges:  "We're pretty satisfied that Dick Van Dyke did it all, so Harzan can whine about it for the next hundred years if he wants.  The truth is we really don't give a damn about UFOs or any other imaginary phenomena, so on an official level, we're just going to ignore the guy.  Personally, though, I think he's a freaking head case, and he should probably be locked up for his own protection."

Harzan could not be reached for comment.

This is a Saucer Press International Publication.

Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Los Angeles Woman Channels Spirit of Dr. J. Allen Hynek

UFOs Caused by Swamp Gas

SPI LOS ANGELES, CA - The Earthbound spirit of Dr. J. Allen Hynek, famed UFO apologist, was unexpectedly channeled during a March 2011 taping of the now cancelled television series Ghost Hunters International, reportedly causing great unrest amongst the crew.   The Saucerologist is currently attempting to secure a copy of the tapes for publication, believing that the revelations Dr. Hynek has apparently revealed about UFOs after his death are every bit as important as the revelations he was prepared to affirm while he was still alive.

Sources report, however, that this attempt to reveal the truth underlying such important UFO-related matters may be doomed to failure, like so many other revelations of UFO fact.  Attempts to censor the contents of those tapes are today being undertaken by the very same individuals featured therein, most notably, Barry FitzGerald, one of the stars of the now defunct television reality show.   One source attributes this to the fact that the tapes' contents are "simply humiliating."

"I thought Barry FitzGerald was going to pee his pants," reported one of the post production coordinators.  We had this psychic chick hanging around for a couple of days, a real pain, but she was quiet, never said anything and didn't bother anyone, so we were all like, what's the big deal?   Let her hang out, y'know?   More importantly, she had brought in a whole box full of these little chocolate pastries for the crew to snack on, so we figured, what the heck?  Let her hang out and have a little non-intrusive fun.   No big deal, right?   And everyone loves chocolate.

"Unfortunately, Barry had to go and make some crack about 'who let little Miss Space Cadet Saucer Buff onto the set?   This is a closed fucking set!'   Turns out he used to date her way back when he was just a spook fan," our source explained.   "Anyway, that's about the time Hynek showed up."

Marcus Pardo, a sound re-recording mixer who allowed our reporter to buy him another drink (while accepting as well the promise of a quarter-ounce of clean medical marijuana if he opened up some regarding the incident), added that "her voice got all dark and hairy all of a sudden.   She looked right at FitzGerald and in a perfect Harvey Fierstein imitation said, "Somebody gimme a gun right now, so I can shoot this little prick!   And who're you calling 'Little Miss' anything, you screwy diva fag!  I'm Dr. J. Allen Hynek, and I am already pissed off, you sorry little bitch, so you do not want to get on my bad side." 

Dr. J. Allen Hynek amongst the living
Pardo later claimed, "I got the whole thing on tape, and I assure you, it's a modern classic, like some weird spinoff with balls comin' right outta The Exorcist or something.  It's full of some really witchy stuff!" 

Associates of The Saucerologist are currently involved in a bidding war with The Fortean Times for first world publication rights for the alleged recording, but multiple sources have suggested that Barry FitzGerald will never allow the contents of those tapes to be made public.   One confidential source insists that "Hynek had his number down cold.  FitzGerald is in panic mode a lot these days and seems to think that he'll never get another job if those tapes are made public.  Most of us film wonks, on the other hand, are pretty sure that a scandal like this could only help him."

Our sources insist that only one person present during the 2011 taping actually knew who Dr. J. Allen Hynek was, but felt that it was important nonetheless to get some sort of confirmation from the earthbound spirit before asking it any in-depth questions.   "So who the Hell is J. Allen Hynek?" can clearly be heard on one of the tapes we were allowed to examine.   Our sources claim that the individual attempting to confirm the spirit's identity was 16-year old crew intern Bobby Griegerson.

According to Marcus Pardo, the boy's identity should probably remain anonymous since "Barry FitzGerald isn't supposed to be within 100 feet of any 16-year old boy as part of a plea bargain from a few years ago with some D.A. out at Fresno.   Somethin' like this gets out and he's doing 5-15 out at Pelican Bay."

In answer to Bobby Griegerson's timely question, the alleged earthbound spirit responded, "I'm nobody -- a loser.   I was just a guy who wanted folks to stop calling me an Air Force stooge, that's all.   I was a scientist, and I wanted everyone to know that I had an open mind as far as UFOs are concerned.   But apparently God thought I was too full of pride, so when I died and got to Heaven, the first thing I found out was that I was right all along, UFOs are real and they're everywhere.  If that was the end of God's UFO revelations, I'd be fine with it, but apparently the damn things are all caused by swamp gas, so the USAF is right too!"

According to Pardo, Hynek started crying at that point, and didn't say anything else that could be made out, just some sobbing and soft groans, and every now and again a whining lament, "Why me? I'm just a joke!"

"It didn't look like Hynek was inclined to say anything else, so we pretty much just sat back and ate the rest of those chocolate pastries."   Once the pastries had been eaten, "we kicked her off the set.  Him, too.  It turns out that technically, FitzGerald was right:  it was a 'closed fucking set', so we had to kick her out.  While we were eating the pastries, though, she started to talk a little more -- or Hynek did, I guess -- and he had some pretty interesting UFO stuff to say."

Pardo insists that this "UFO stuff" discussed by Hynek while the pastries were being eaten by the film crew was truly alarming.   "We've agreed not to discuss any of it in any real detail in order to increase the overall cost of the tapes.  You've gotta understand, we're trying to make some money, and we want to be real clear about that from the get go.   I should add, however, that what Hynek discusses is fascinating as Hell in light of the recent brouhaha about the alien photographs that were recently unveiled in Mexico City.   What Hynek has to say about angels and how angels look just like mummified kids in Peru is only one of the alarming points he makes on this 2011 recording."

Should we be successful in our venture to purchase the rights to the Ghost Hunters International tapes, stay tuned for further UFO revelations to be published here on The Saucerologist.

This is a Saucer Press International Publication.