New Dead Sea Scrolls Published!
The First Creation and Where It Went Off the Rails
SPI TEL AVIV, ISRAEL -- In a surprise announcement that was predictably held back until the publication of the two books detailing the discoveries, 25 previously unpublished fragments of the Hebrew Bible that were scattered amongst the original Dead Sea Scrolls discovered in the Qumran caves have ignited debate around the world. Americans, of course, were the first to warn scholars that none of these fragments have been properly authenticated, and merely accepting the claims without voicing doubts would be unwise given the character of other religious finds in the same area. The thing about Americans is they expect everything to be a fake unless it was discussed by Mom when they were little, or by that lady with the blonde hair who gave us all lessons in Sunday School.
The many scroll fragments that have been recovered record portions of the Bible's earliest books: Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Deuteronomy, Samuel, Ruth, Kings, Micah, Nehemiah, Proverbs, Psalms, and Ezekiel, among others. Portions from a previously unknown version of Genesis, recently dubbed Genesis II, have also been found amongst the fragments, and this particular version has lit up church attendance rolls like a spark in a gasoline pit. Some church leaders have gone so far as to suggest that those who attempt to understand this new gospel usually end the day by dressing up like evil clowns and jumping out from the bushes to frighten young children -- young children who believe in God.
One of the Qumran caves where the
Dead Sea Scrolls were discovered
The Saucerologist offices were stunned yesterday upon having received a personal videophone communication from one of the original Gray Alien Ambassadors, an individual named Repplesmunck Yoleoderff. Regular readers of The Saucerologist will recall that Yoleoderff has been our primary source for a number of important articles, including the breeding program story published last December (for further details please note the article linked to http://saucerologist.blogspot.com/2015/12/starbucks-xmas-controversy-leads-to.html) that discusses the secret application of alien science from which the Republican candidate for President, Donald Trump, is said to have originated. Another recent article that we have published established our great surprise that Yoleoderff had taken the remarkable step to contact our offices to discuss details previously unknown to our staff, points that readers are welcome to look up for themselves (we'll never publish more than one link per article). Our reporters have often contacted the alien for various comments, including his take on a number of issues we were interested in at the time, and we're they shall do so in the future as well. Sometimes he had a statement or a claim to confirm, and sometimes he did not. He was always gracious, however, and never gave any indication that he was angry or uninterested in the topics discussed.
Yesterday, however, Yoleoderff contacted us for only the second time since our incorporation, and our staff was once again startled and greatly surprised that this alien would reach out to us. We were even more so upon discovering the alien's intent and those matters he wished to address. The topic alone -- that being the the publication of previously unknown fragments from the original Dead Sea Scrolls discovered last century in the caves of Qumran -- was surprising in itself. We had no idea that he was interested in our ancient religious artifacts, but he made it immediately clear that the information he wished to pass on was genuinely extraordinary. He wanted to inform us that fragments of the Biblical text that has lately been dubbed Genesis II was also well known on his world.
Most surprising, however, was Yoleoderff's insistence that the primary text of Genesis II was well known centuries before any contact with Earth had been achieved. His people, he claims, were completely unaware of Earth's existence at that time. He was more than helpful, providing a complete account of Genesis II, which his people call "And So It Begins", which can also be translated as "And There It Goes".
Translators especially hired for this occasion by our staff are very clear and completely unanimous in the independent conclusions they have reached: the fragments discovered at Qumran and the actual alien text provided to The Saucerologist by Yoleoderff are too consistent and far too exact to represent anything at all except the total confirmation by one of the other.
The text provided to us by Ambassador Repplesmunck Yoleoderff is published in its entirety below. It is the first time that this document has ever been published on the planet Earth, and it represents the original basis of the fragments that were finally published late last week. We have taken the liberty to render the text attributed to God in red type, just as the King James Version of our own Bible has done for many generations. According to Yoleoderff, the translation of the text below is exact:
In the beginning there was Doubt ...
And so to strengthen the Faith of the Children of the Abyss, God on the high mounts created light to cleave through the darkness of Doubt, for knowledge and understanding has always been the path of righteous men, and has always strengthened his Faith in the ways of nature and in the ways of God. Having never seen light, the Children of the Abyss stared in wonderment, but God strode amongst them with a fiery and thunderous voice, scattering them pell and then mell across the face of the world and instructing them, "don't stare at the light, you damn fools!" and they were frightened of the thunder, and opened their eyes even wider than before.
And for an instant, the fear stepped in, for the flashing of the newly created light and of the fiery words of God burned their virginous retinas, and so they fell back amongst themselves, blinded by the coursers of God's lesson. But there followed great wonderment amongst the Children of the Abyss, for they had been given the briefest of glimpses of the whole of Creation as it glittered like a song beneath the light the Lord of Hosts had generated within the creatures of His Abyss.
Two of the scrolls discovered at Qumran
And He was a little pissed off at this New Thing that had been created from nothing.
In His anger, but modulated a little bit so no one could ever say with any real certainty that it was a curse or that it was a blessing, God told the Children of the Abyss, "You shall live your lives blinded to what is real and what is unreal. You shall never know what is True, for you are from this day forth separated from the Truth of My Creation." It occurred to some of the Children that God's words were neither a curse nor a blessing, but merely a statement of personal observation, and if the Truth be known, few of the Children could say with any certainty which interpretation was more or less correct than the others, for most heard it not for themselves, but from those others who claimed to have heard the Word with their own ears.
In general, the Children of the Abyss heard very little of the curse or the blessing or the observation, because they were speaking so quickly and so excitedly amongst themselves and to each other, one trying to top the wild speculations and the vivid descriptions of Creation that the other had presented, while another was more interested in making his voice change frequency over many octaves, because he had less verbal creativity but could definitely write a damn decent tune. And the Children grew loud and argued for their own vision of Creation with such falsehood and deception that God brought forth His own anger and told the Children of the Abyss, "Will you please just shut up! There is only one Creation and that is the Creation I alone have brought forth from the Nothingness!"
And the Children replied, "Yes, yes, we know; we saw it for just a quick moment, but it was very beautiful..." and they started up again, one insisting that the beauty he saw was much greater than the beauty the others saw, and then started describing it, but before too long another's description got so much louder that the Children listened to the author of that description for a bit. It was all so decidedly ridiculous that God stood in amazement, looking upon the blind Children of the Abyss as they competed with each other regarding what their briefest of sights had revealed before they fell back blinded for all of eternity. It was all pretty damn amazing, so He just watched them for a bit longer, occasionally gnashing His teeth when He heard something that distressed Him, or made Him angry and sometimes left Him bewildered and confused, for His great Creation was no longer being observed, but everybody was nonetheless talking about it and most often describing aspects of it that were completely wrong.
"You runts do know that you're now blind as bats, don't you?" He asked the Children of the Abyss, mystified.
"Well, of course we know. We're not stupid. And we all think that You're just the best damn God there is, 'cause you did exactly what you set out to do. You destroyed the Great Doubt forever!"
"No, I didn't," God insisted.
"Yes, You did," the Children replied, shouting "Hooray for God!!"
"You're a bunch of freaking nutbags, you are. All I did was create light, and I blasted it forth across all of Creation, because in the presence of light, you Children could examine Creation and know without Doubt that it is stronger, that it has an internal logic to it, that it can be examined and defined. It is your use of light that was to destroy Doubt, but you didn't even bother to use it. You just got surprised a bit, opened up your baby blues, and destroyed your own goddamned retinas, so now you can't see. And that means you can't examine, you cannot test, you have no means with which to determine the Truth from the false, and that means you've turned into a bunch of pathetic little blind creatures talking amongst yourselves while saying absolutely nothing that makes sense, and you're going to spend the rest of your eternity once again in the dark, surrounded by Doubt, and competing with each other to see who has the loudest, the least likely, and the most ridiculous concept of my great Creation. It's absolutely pathetic!"
"Well, that's just not true," said the youngest of the Children of the Abyss. "Before our retinas burned out -- and I think that's just the coolest name, by the way, retinas -- none of us had the ability to understand your great Creation, because it was just too damn dark to examine it. And in those days, we Doubted everything! We even Doubted You, at times, because we don't know a whole lot about You, except for that meaningless crap about You being the Alpha and the Omega, and that You are, because You are. Not a whole lot there to go on, You know? But of course, You know. You know everything. It's Your shtick, Your thing! But then, You went and gave us a glimpse, just a really short glimpse of all of Your Creation! Now, we didn't get a whole lot of details, but we know that all of us saw a little bit of it, and so, given a little time -- well, mebbe a lot of time -- sooner or later, we'll probably figure it out, just because there's a whole lot of us. And since we know that we'll probably figure it out as long as we discuss it over coffee and cake a few million, billion times, there's nothing to Doubt. It's just a matter of getting from here to there. Savvy?"
"Well, that's just ... that's just ... that's fucking insane!! I didn't create a bunch of idiots! You're the Children of the Abyss!"
"Well, apparently You didn't create Doubt, either, but there it is. You could have just told us what was True and what was false, and that would have gotten rid of Doubt as well, and we would still be able to see, but I guess that solution was just too easy for God to use. Trying to be creative, were you?"
"I am Creation, child."
"And yet, You fail to understand that we, as your Creations, might one day come to have Faith in our own creations."
"Your creations are false. They have no basis in reality. They are words you string along across a field of nothing. They have no structure within the universe I have made for you, and so there is no reality within which you can examine them and perceive the Truth."
"Well, just listen to You. In one breath, You insist that You have made the universe for us, and with the other, You tell us we can't play with it as if it is our own. What else should we do with it? We're all blind, you know. That kind of limits the use that any creature can muster up on demand. Good Lord! Play is all we've got left."
"You're not supposed to play with it, you damn fool! You're supposed to study and learn from it!"
"And given all of eternity, do You seriously believe that's never going to happen? And in any case, You said You wanted to get rid of Doubt."
"I want you to get rid of Doubt using the tools that I have blessed you with."
"Yes, yes, and we're all very thankful for that. In any case, we have actually rid ourselves and our condition of Doubt. We've replaced it with Faith, which, like Truth, is also stronger than Doubt."
"You're supposed to learn Truth, not Faith."
Genesis II an alien document, say Grays
"It wasn't My Creation that blinded You. It was the Light of God's Word."
"Well, having never seen either one before, how were we supposed to know that? And why does our God now tell us that our Faith is weak and unintentional, and that Truth must be learned, but only under those conditions that are now impossible to achieve? If I remember it correctly, You said, 'And so to strengthen the Faith of the Children of the Abyss, God on the high mounts created light to cleave through the darkness of Doubt, for knowledge and understanding has always been the path of righteous men, and has always strengthened his Faith in the ways of nature and in the ways of God.' Isn't that it?"
"I was trying to be flowery, and a little bit poetic for the sake of future generations."
"That's probably something else You should have explained."
"Yes, probably. There seems to be a great deal of error in my work."
"I wouldn't say error. Let's just say we didn't meet Your full expectations, but now we're doing things in remarkable ways, that You never expected of us, and so You are pleased with Your Creation and with Your Children of the Abyss."
"No. I would call my work 'error prone'. The only thing I need to consider now, is whether or not to erase My great Creation and start over with a new intent and a new cast of characters -- a reboot, if you will."
"So now you're threatening us, because You made some fundamental mistakes? Want us to pull up the line a little? Put the roots down a little closer to each other? Straighten up and fly low or you're going to burn all of us where we stand?"
"No. I've already created a place for that; you would have to be sent there at some point I haven't yet determined. In any case, I'll have to think it through a bit. Might take me awhile, so don't expect much of a hands on approach where you Children are concerned. I have great things to consider."
"Fine ... You go do that. As for us, we're going to go play around with our newly born or newly found Faith. Maybe we'll see if it's possible for us to use our Faith in order to create Doubt."
"Just kidding. You go on and have some fun ..."
And so the Lord God on high went down the mountain a little ways to think things through, and from that day to this, He has neither been seen nor heard.
And before the ending, there was Silence...
And before the ending, there was Silence...
This is a Saucer Press International Publication