Wednesday, October 12, 2016

Ancient Bible Linked to Gray Aliens!

New Dead Sea Scrolls Published!

The First Creation and Where It Went Off the Rails

SPI TEL AVIV, ISRAEL -- In a surprise announcement that was predictably held back until the publication of the two books detailing the discoveries, 25 previously unpublished fragments of the Hebrew Bible that were scattered amongst the original Dead Sea Scrolls discovered in the Qumran caves have ignited debate around the world. Americans, of course, were the first to warn scholars that none of these fragments have been properly authenticated, and merely accepting the claims without voicing doubts would be unwise given the character of other religious finds in the same area.  The thing about Americans is they expect everything to be a fake unless it was discussed by Mom when they were little, or by that lady with the blonde hair who gave us all lessons in Sunday School.

The many scroll fragments that have been recovered record portions of the Bible's earliest books:  Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Deuteronomy, Samuel, Ruth, Kings, Micah, Nehemiah, Proverbs, Psalms, and Ezekiel, among others. Portions from a previously unknown version of Genesis, recently dubbed Genesis II, have also been found amongst the fragments, and this particular version has lit up church attendance rolls like a spark in a gasoline pit. Some church leaders have gone so far as to suggest that those who attempt to understand this new gospel usually end the day by dressing up like evil clowns and jumping out from the bushes to frighten young children -- young children who believe in God. 

One of the Qumran caves where the
Dead Sea Scrolls were discovered
The Saucerologist offices were stunned yesterday upon having received a personal videophone communication from one of the original Gray Alien Ambassadors, an individual named Repplesmunck Yoleoderff. Regular readers of The Saucerologist will recall that Yoleoderff has been our primary source for a number of important articles, including the breeding program story published last December (for further details please note the article linked to that discusses the secret application of alien science from which the Republican candidate for President, Donald Trump, is said to have originated. Another recent article that we have published established our great surprise that Yoleoderff had taken the remarkable step to contact our offices to discuss details previously unknown to our staff, points that readers are welcome to look up for themselves (we'll never publish more than one link per article). Our reporters have often contacted the alien for various comments, including his take on a number of issues we were interested in at the time, and we're they shall do so in the future as well. Sometimes he had a statement or a claim to confirm, and sometimes he did not. He was always gracious, however, and never gave any indication that he was angry or uninterested in the topics discussed.

Yesterday, however, Yoleoderff contacted us for only the second time since our incorporation, and our staff was once again startled and greatly surprised that this alien would reach out to us. We were even more so upon discovering the alien's intent and those matters he wished to address. The topic alone -- that being the the publication of previously unknown fragments from the original Dead Sea Scrolls discovered last century in the caves of Qumran -- was surprising in itself. We had no idea that he was interested in our ancient religious artifacts, but he made it immediately clear that the information he wished to pass on was genuinely extraordinary. He wanted to inform us that fragments of the Biblical text that has lately been dubbed Genesis II was also well known on his world.

Most surprising, however, was Yoleoderff's insistence that the primary text of Genesis II was well known centuries before any contact with Earth had been achieved. His people, he claims, were completely unaware of Earth's existence at that time. He was more than helpful, providing a complete account of Genesis II, which his people call "And So It Begins", which can also be translated as "And There It Goes".

Translators especially hired for this occasion by our staff are very clear and completely unanimous in the independent conclusions they have reached:  the fragments discovered at Qumran and the actual alien text provided to The Saucerologist by Yoleoderff are too consistent and far too exact to represent anything at all except the total confirmation by one of the other.

The text provided to us by Ambassador Repplesmunck Yoleoderff is published in its entirety below. It is the first time that this document has ever been published on the planet Earth, and it represents the original basis of the fragments that were finally published late last week. We have taken the liberty to render the text attributed to God in red type, just as the King James Version of our own Bible has done for many generations. According to Yoleoderff, the translation of the text below is exact: 

In the beginning there was Doubt ...

And so to strengthen the Faith of the Children of the Abyss, God on the high mounts created light to cleave through the darkness of Doubt, for knowledge and understanding has always been the path of righteous men, and has always strengthened his Faith in the ways of nature and in the ways of God. Having never seen light, the Children of the Abyss stared in wonderment, but God strode amongst them with a fiery and thunderous voice, scattering them pell and then mell across the face of the world and instructing them, "don't stare at the light, you damn fools!" and they were frightened of the thunder, and opened their eyes even wider than before.

And for an instant, the fear stepped in, for the flashing of the newly created light and of the fiery words of God burned their virginous retinas, and so they fell back amongst themselves, blinded by the coursers of God's lesson. But there followed great wonderment amongst the Children of the Abyss, for they had been given the briefest of glimpses of the whole of Creation as it glittered like a song beneath the light the Lord of Hosts had generated within the creatures of His Abyss.

Two of the scrolls discovered at Qumran
Having been blinded by the light created by God to destroy the Great Doubt they had always known, the Children of the Abyss could only imagine the whole of Creation, and so they described amongst themselves what the briefest flash of light had revealed. Some of them had been gazing at the mountains, and some had been gazing at the seas. Many had been looking upward at the skies, expecting something, but not knowing what. They described Creation to each other and combined what they saw with the descriptions given by other Children. Each tried to convince the others that God loved them best, for God gave them a vision of Creation much greater than that given to the rest. Before long their descriptions had parted ways with the Truth, and the Creation they now imagined was so much greater than the Creation God had originally wrought for their amazement, that God stepped back and thought "verily, each creates for himself what has never been and never will be, and it exceeds My own Creation, the only Creation that truly exists."

And He was a little pissed off at this New Thing that had been created from nothing.

In His anger, but modulated a little bit so no one could ever say with any real certainty that it was a curse or that it was a blessing, God told the Children of the Abyss, "You shall live your lives blinded to what is real and what is unreal. You shall never know what is True, for you are from this day forth separated from the Truth of My Creation." It occurred to some of the Children that God's words were neither a curse nor a blessing, but merely a statement of personal observation, and if the Truth be known, few of the Children could say with any certainty which interpretation was more or less correct than the others, for most heard it not for themselves, but from those others who claimed to have heard the Word with their own ears.

In general, the Children of the Abyss heard very little of the curse or the blessing or the observation, because they were speaking so quickly and so excitedly amongst themselves and to each other, one trying to top the wild speculations and the vivid descriptions of Creation that the other had presented, while another was more interested in making his voice change frequency over many octaves, because he had less verbal creativity but could definitely write a damn decent tune. And the Children grew loud and argued for their own vision of Creation with such falsehood and deception that God brought forth His own anger and told the Children of the Abyss, "Will you please just shut up! There is only one Creation and that is the Creation I alone have brought forth from the Nothingness!"

And the Children replied, "Yes, yes, we know; we saw it for just a quick moment, but it was very beautiful..." and they started up again, one insisting that the beauty he saw was much greater than the beauty the others saw, and then started describing it, but before too long another's description got so much louder that the Children listened to the author of that description for a bit. It was all so decidedly ridiculous that God stood in amazement, looking upon the blind Children of the Abyss as they competed with each other regarding what their briefest of sights had revealed before they fell back blinded for all of eternity. It was all pretty damn amazing, so He just watched them for a bit longer, occasionally gnashing His teeth when He heard something that distressed Him, or made Him angry and sometimes left Him bewildered and confused, for His great Creation was no longer being observed, but everybody was nonetheless talking about it and most often describing aspects of it that were completely wrong.  

"You runts do know that you're now blind as bats, don't you?" He asked the Children of the Abyss, mystified.

"Well, of course we know. We're not stupid. And we all think that You're just the best damn God there is, 'cause you did exactly what you set out to do. You destroyed the Great Doubt forever!"

"No, I didn't," God insisted.

"Yes, You did," the Children replied, shouting "Hooray for God!!"

"You're a bunch of freaking nutbags, you are. All I did was create light, and I blasted it forth across all of Creation, because in the presence of light, you Children could examine Creation and know without Doubt that it is stronger, that it has an internal logic to it, that it can be examined and defined. It is your use of light that was to destroy Doubt, but you didn't even bother to use it. You just got surprised a bit, opened up your baby blues, and destroyed your own goddamned retinas, so now you can't see. And that means you can't examine, you cannot test, you have no means with which to determine the Truth from the false, and that means you've turned into a bunch of pathetic little blind creatures talking amongst yourselves while saying absolutely nothing that makes sense, and you're going to spend the rest of your eternity once again in the dark, surrounded by Doubt, and competing with each other to see who has the loudest, the least likely, and the most ridiculous concept of my great Creation. It's absolutely pathetic!"

"Well, that's just not true," said the youngest of the Children of the Abyss. "Before our retinas burned out -- and I think that's just the coolest name, by the way, retinas -- none of us had the ability to understand your great Creation, because it was just too damn dark to examine it. And in those days, we Doubted everything! We even Doubted You, at times, because we don't know a whole lot about You, except for that meaningless crap about You being the Alpha and the Omega, and that You are, because You are. Not a whole lot there to go on, You know? But of course, You know. You know everything. It's Your shtick, Your thing! But then, You went and gave us a glimpse, just a really short glimpse of all of Your Creation! Now, we didn't get a whole lot of details, but we know that all of us saw a little bit of it, and so, given a little time -- well, mebbe a lot of time -- sooner or later, we'll probably figure it out, just because there's a whole lot of us. And since we know that we'll probably figure it out as long as we discuss it over coffee and cake a few million, billion times, there's nothing to Doubt. It's just a matter of getting from here to there. Savvy?"

"Well, that's just ... that's just ... that's fucking insane!! I didn't create a bunch of idiots! You're the Children of the Abyss!"

"Well, apparently You didn't create Doubt, either, but there it is. You could have just told us what was True and what was false, and that would have gotten rid of Doubt as well, and we would still be able to see, but I guess that solution was just too easy for God to use. Trying to be creative, were you?"

"I am Creation, child."

"And yet, You fail to understand that we, as your Creations, might one day come to have Faith in our own creations."

"Your creations are false. They have no basis in reality. They are words you string along across a field of nothing. They have no structure within the universe I have made for you, and so there is no reality within which you can examine them and perceive the Truth."

"Well, just listen to You. In one breath, You insist that You have made the universe for us, and with the other, You tell us we can't play with it as if it is our own. What else should we do with it? We're all blind, you know. That kind of limits the use that any creature can muster up on demand. Good Lord! Play is all we've got left."

"You're not supposed to play with it, you damn fool! You're supposed to study and learn from it!"

"And given all of eternity, do You seriously believe that's never going to happen? And in any case, You said You wanted to get rid of Doubt."

"I want you to get rid of Doubt using the tools that I have blessed you with."

"Yes, yes, and we're all very thankful for that. In any case, we have actually rid ourselves and our condition of Doubt. We've replaced it with Faith, which, like Truth, is also stronger than Doubt."

"You're supposed to learn Truth, not Faith."

Genesis II an alien document, say Grays
"Well obviously, we thought that we were supposed to get rid of Doubt, not reconstruct Truth. Given the fact that we have no confident means with which to properly examine any or all of Your Creation, it's somewhat remarkable that we have nonetheless done away with the Great Doubt that once percolated so annoyingly amongst Your Children. We've discovered a more creative way to banish the Great Doubt, but only because it is the only way that You have left us. We have no means by which to prove or to gauge what each of us tells the other, and so we must blindly accept what is told to us, just as we must now blindly accept what little we know about the universe that surrounds us. You probably should have explained Your intentions in regard to Truth and Faith just a little better, and You should probably have done so before we blinded ourselves by gazing upon Your Creation."

"It wasn't My Creation that blinded You. It was the Light of God's Word."

"Well, having never seen either one before, how were we supposed to know that? And why does our God now tell us that our Faith is weak and unintentional, and that Truth must be learned, but only under those conditions that are now impossible to achieve? If I remember it correctly, You said, 'And so to strengthen the Faith of the Children of the Abyss, God on the high mounts created light to cleave through the darkness of Doubt, for knowledge and understanding has always been the path of righteous men, and has always strengthened his Faith in the ways of nature and in the ways of God.' Isn't that it?"

"I was trying to be flowery, and a little bit poetic for the sake of future generations."

"That's probably something else You should have explained."

"Yes, probably. There seems to be a great deal of error in my work."

"I wouldn't say error. Let's just say we didn't meet Your full expectations, but now we're doing things in remarkable ways, that You never expected of us, and so You are pleased with Your Creation and with Your Children of the Abyss."

"No. I would call my work 'error prone'. The only thing I need to consider now, is whether or not to erase My great Creation and start over with a new intent and a new cast of characters -- a reboot, if you will."

"So now you're threatening us, because You made some fundamental mistakes? Want us to pull up the line a little? Put the roots down a little closer to each other? Straighten up and fly low or you're going to burn all of us where we stand?"

"No. I've already created a place for that; you would have to be sent there at some point I haven't yet determined. In any case, I'll have to think it through a bit. Might take me awhile, so don't expect much of a hands on approach where you Children are concerned. I have great things to consider."

"Fine ... You go do that. As for us, we're going to go play around with our newly born or newly found Faith. Maybe we'll see if it's possible for us to use our Faith in order to create Doubt."


"Just kidding. You go on and have some fun ..."

And so the Lord God on high went down the mountain a little ways to think things through, and from that day to this, He has neither been seen nor heard.

And before the ending, there was Silence...

This is a Saucer Press International Publication

Monday, August 22, 2016

Attorney General Approves Extradition of Alien Gray American

Eugenics Offenses May Affect U.S. Election

Is Trump God? Or Does He Just Think He Is?

SPI WASHINGTON DC -- The Department of Justice turned the whole nature or nurture argument of human personality on its head today when it approved the extradition of Alien Gray Tuktukleetobon Frijik, an American citizen, to the virtual nation of Zolomon where he will be tried and held accountable by the laws of that nation on several counts of the recently legislated Eugenics Platform laws.  While the United States Department of Justice has wholeheartedly recognized the necessity for enacting such laws governing the secret experimentation by one intelligent species upon another, this is the first case in which an American citizen will be held accountable for illegal acts by another nation.

The subject of the experiments performed by the defendant was Mr. Fred Trump, the father of Republican Presidential Candidate, Donald John Trump. The experiment itself is alleged to have occurred in October 1945, and the happy result, according to the already publicly admitted confessions of the defendant, is Mr. Donald J. Trump himself. The Department of Justice cites the alleged time period in which the eugenics experiment took place as one of the primary reasons the extradition was allowed to proceed. While the United States has enacted several statutes comparable to the Eugenics Platform laws legislated by the virtual nation of Zolomon, those laws that would be best applied to the experiments conducted by Tuktukleetobon Frijik in 1945 include an element not found in the Zolomonian laws: a statute of limitations going back only fifty years, making the prosecution of Mr. Frijik illegal. Republican lawmakers had insisted on the inclusion of such limitations during the final vote to establish the legislation. At the time, they argued that the limitation was necessary because it would allow our nation's legal convictions to proceed "outside of the glare of World War Two," which is still considered by most Americans to represent the period during which the worst eugenics offenses in human history took place. Being one of the oldest known races in the administrative group of galaxies that includes our solar system, and one that considers themselves to be nearly immortal, the Alien Gray race inhabiting the virtual nation of Zolomon cleansed their legal system of such divisive tools as the statute of limitations many millions of years ago shortly after successfully transferring a single consciousness into one of the far more permanent bodies they currently use for travelling to other inhabited planets. 

The prosecution of Mr. Frijik is not the first time
America has had to wrestle with the issue of eugenics.
The specific crimes that the defendant Tuktukleetobon Frijik is being prosecuted for involve the weight of scientific standards, evidence, and procedures that the government of the United States is, to a great degree, unfamiliar with. At the same time, however, the Department of Justice emphasizes that the scientific characterization of the crimes has been accepted as valid by almost all courts of law and systems of judgment in the United States, excluding only that of public opinion. It should be noted, however, that the general public of the United States has already been shown in numerous court cases to be "dangerously ignorant in regard to common science, a quality that is primarily the effect of decades of conservative, Bible Belt America's refusal to educate their children sufficiently enough to utilize the same level of knowledge necessary to be considered competitive throughout the rest of the nation."  This affirmation has already been recognized as a point of order in the case of Tuppence Weatherbottom vs. The State of Kansas, so the lack of understanding noted in regard to public opinion is not considered much of a handicap.

As defined by the Alien Gray scientific community standards protocol, defendant Tuktukleetobon Frijik is accused of "precipitating dangerous personality confabulations" committed during the standard application of spermatozoon integration with a human subject, that subject having been approved for breeding insertion only, a condition very well documented during the patient's inclusion into the breeding program. According to Alien Gray science that has only recently been accepted as conditional to United States law, a "fluctuating protein" was attached by the defendant to the generating spermatozoon gamete, a practice well-documented within the Alien Gray Scientific Archive of Human Research that is currently preserved in the custodial holdings of the Migrant Ascension Clan Head Keeper to enable a specified personality integration to become dominant within the approaching zygote. The procedure in question is not fully understood by the United States legal community, but the effects of this unwarranted personality experiment was considered so egregious and so potentially damaging not only to the family of the subject, but to the entire nation, that the legal doctrine for the case before the court was allowed to proceed, albeit only on the condition that the offender Tuktukleetobon Frijik be tried under judicial restraints outside of the United States' territorial holdings on Earth or elsewhere.

According to the record of pre-trial assessments, the defendant was attempting to cross-breed personalities, a practice not fully recognized by any human scientific communities. According to Alien Gray science, however, personalities are associated with the standard number of chromosomes integrated under species enlightenment chains bound with various proteins to the resulting zygote. The defendant Tuktukleetobon Frijik, however, was not attempting to integrate a known personality to the subject, although that alone would have been illegal in accordance with the recently legislated Eugenics Platform laws of the United States. Frijik was attempting to create a whole new personality standard by attaching an erasure bound protein found primarily in plant life to the fluctuating protein of a human subject, creating thereby a new personality with unique features of its own.

Anticipating the legal and moral issues rising from this case, Attorney General Loretta E. Lynch released the following statement:  "The United States recognizes that the Alien Gray's virtual nation of Zolomon has a great deal more experience prosecuting many of the Eugenics Platform laws that have been enacted by both of our nations. Given that much of the technology utilized by the defendant to carry out his alleged crimes was originally developed by various national interests native to Zolomon, and that said technologies have only recently been shared with the governments of North America, our current administration, under the advisement of the United States Senatorial Science Board, the House of Representatives Migrant Committee, the current Zolomonian ambassador to the United States, the current Migrant Ascension Clan Head Keeper and the U.S. Department of Justice, has determined that our natural inclination to provide the most stable platform for the pursuit of justice necessitates the extradition of Mr. Frijik to the virtual nation of Zolomon. Once his new status has been received and confirmed, he will be tried in accordance with laws already agreed upon and enacted by the representatives of both of our great nations.
"No, I swear to you, it's this big!"
"The egregious nature of the crimes allegedly committed by this particular individual are so offensive, and so contrary to the cultural and moral ideals commonly shared by both the Human and the Alien Gray races, that we believe it is supremely necessary to allow an Alien Gray court to prosecute an Alien Gray offender, whether that Alien is an American citizen or not. By doing so, we can more surely guarantee a conviction for direct cause and a means to advance justice without being forced to gamble against the issues rising from this case that may already have had some bearing on the future governing of this great nation."

Attorney General Lynch's reference to the future governing of the United States is the first official word from the Obama Administration recognizing how the scientific advances achieved by the Alien Gray defendant Tuktukleetobon Frijik may have already had some effect on the political environment currently developing in the United States. As regular readers of The Saucerologist are already aware, the current Republican Party candidate for President of the United States, Donald Trump, is himself the fruit of Alien Gray manipulation with the genetic identity of an American citizen (for further details please note the article at 

According to sources within the Alien Gray communities on Earth, the Republican candidate for President is not entirely human. "He is a result of my people's ancient attempts to breed a race containing the best qualities of each of our species. Apparently, one of humanity's better qualities is its habitual and oftentimes bitterly pronounced contempt for others.  When that quality is combined with my species' humility and its spiritually-based desire to crush and then wipe-out all opponents to those missions intended to raise the quality of existence for all creatures, the sad result is exactly what you see here:  the assumed grandeur of the divine, and the eventual assumption of God-hood."

Our source for the story was very quick to point out that the end-products of the Alien Gray's breeding program were not truly divine. "There's no such thing as divinity!  No, these individuals were delusional as a result of the inherent psychological contradictions that came about when the better qualities of my species and the better qualities of your species were intermingled within a single host.  And even then you have to figure in the almost typical chromosome disintegration that often took place.  I can promise you, though, that there was no real divinity, only their belief in divinity." Given Trump's and the GOP's secondary target this election season (the primary target, of course, being the Democrat's candidate for President, Hillary Clinton), it is somewhat ironic that the Great Prophet Muhammad was a product of the very same breeding program that produced Donald Trump. Proving that the Alien Gray's are not entirely immune to the aesthetic effects of irony, one of the original Gray Alien Ambassadors, an individual named Repplesmunck Yoleoderff, who was also our primary source for the breeding program story published last December, noted that, "The Great Prophet was a much better and more accomplished public speaker than your Donald Trump could ever be, but as qualities shared do tend to balance out in the long run, it would be unfair of us not to point out that although Trump may have less personal charisma than the Great Prophet, he tends to have a far greater and more pronounced ability to offend people who have never met him, including the entity you refer to as 'Allah'". The Saucerologist must state with some conviction that we are not always 100% certain when Ambassador Yoleoderff is being sincere and when he is joking.

"Check out that tie! Do I have
great taste or what?"
In regard to the breeding program referred to in Attorney General Lynch's statement, it should be pointed out that the defendant Tuktukleetobon Frijik is not being tried for actions he committed in service to the Alien Gray's breeding program, which was essentially approved as a legal condition experiment over three-thousand years ago. Although the Department of Justice has, and will continue to object to any Eugenics Platform experimentation upon human beings by other intelligent races, the breeding program has only been officially censured, and is still considered a legal act, albeit one that good manners and inter-species protocol forced the Alien Grays to discontinue under extreme hiatus in 1959.

One of the reasons that defendant Frijik's experiment is considered so egregiously offensive is because it has placed the burden of his acts onto the people of the United States.  The subject of his experiment was born and raised with the unique advantages of monetary affluence without familial affection, and is now the Republican Party's 2016 candidate for the Presidency of the United States: Mr. Donald John Trump. Being the first of his kind, a political creature possessed of the delusional belief in its own unique divinity with a personality created by the criminal mind of the defendant, Tuktukleetobon Frijik, the American people have been forced to consider what effect this man may have as President of the United States, the most powerful single position in the entire world, a resolution to the American political process that is more akin to a sad and repellent dystopian future than the validated and anticipated forging of a great nation's will, a characteristic that America's citizenry have always believed these expressions of the united voice to be.

"Yeah, that's right, God; You took my
job so I'm coming after you next!"
It is commonly believed that the erasure bound protein the defendant Frijik is accused of attaching to the fluctuating protein generated within the spermatozoon gamete of Fred Trump, Donald Trump's natural father, is very likely the cause behind Trump's unstructured yet incapable personality and the flaws associated with such a personality. It's natural to conclude, as many Americans do, that Donald Trump may lack the mental capacity and the physical stamina to serve as President of the United States due to the experiments allegedly conducted by the Alien Gray defendant Tuktukleetobon Frijik during his consummation as enacted by his natural parents.

Although the scientific communities in the United States are uncertain what effect the many different erasure bound proteins may have on human personality standards, the defendant Tuktukleetobon Frijik has already admitted that the source of the proteins used to achieve the personality profile clothing the mind of Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump was the common American smooth-leafed, firm-headed green cabbage. As such, it behooves the American people to consider author Ambrose Bierce's definition of cabbage:  "A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head."

That's right. This child of two humans is part human, part Alien Gray, and part cabbage; oh, and the cabbage part is the only part of him that's been proven to be American.

This is a Saucer Press International Publication

Sunday, July 31, 2016

MUFON Admits UFO Investigations Unnecessary Since 1996

Goal No Longer Proof, But Profit

John Belushi to Dan Aykroyd "You're a Hypocrite!"

SPI LOS ANGELES CA -- Buried in the closing paragraphs of a recently published discussion of cable television opportunities available to MUFON publicists is the unexpected admission by advertising sales personnel that MUFON has failed to conduct even a single UFO investigation since 1996. The opening sentences to one of the issues addressed in this confession state, "Hundreds of UFO reports that are emailed or otherwise forwarded to MUFON representatives across the country have precluded any real need to conduct UFO investigations at all. MUFON simply collects the claims asserted and aggressively champions the pro-saucer point-of-view applied by the source regardless of the evidence or lack thereof as an actual condition of the report."

Primarily intended to interest those desiring to take advantage of future television investment opportunities, the report was intended to affirm the almost endless variety of possible topics of future programs that are broadly equipped for "immediate dissemination to an already receptive audience" that "requires no further investigation at all." The conclusion the draft document reaches is clear: "The opportunities to catch a ride with MUFON's money-making UFO dream team is now considered nearly limitless!" And therein lies the danger. We want to prove that UFOs are real, while MUFON wants to sell them to the highest bidder, proven or not. By adopting that stance, MUFON is doing more damage to American Ufology than a thousand skeptics could on a good day.

It's always been for the money, baby.
Since the dawning of the Saucer Times, our modern day's version of the Mount Olympus Airy Chronicles, only one element among many has remained indelibly check-marked in the little square box in column one located unmistakably next to the heart of the issue -- by which we mean the entire UFO salad circus -- only one: money. From day one, the saucer has come equipped with its very own fluctuating price tag, and while that price tag has changed significantly over the years, it has always been on the front lines of the Psycho-Saucer Wars eager for your investment. Roswell only took off ‘cause someone tried to sell it, a community activity that would ultimately morph into the most profitable raison d'etre in the entire southwest quadrant of the country. Ditto, in a less meaningful way, for Aztec, New Mexico. Everybody has always had a book or a comic book to sell, and that characteristic of the movement has remained Implacably imprinted onto that still section of dirtied earth wherever the saucers have landed. And MUFON was always there, right behind the loopy crowds, wanting to get in there as deep as a drill rig on top of an oil reservoir to do what they do best: make money at the expense of educated consumers.

You want to know the best trick they ever pulled off? They convinced an entire planet full of UFO-hungry customers that nobody makes money selling UFOs. People even started to believe that the saucer-hunters were actually sacrificing important aspects of their lives -- such as a huge profit -- just so they could discover the truth about those flying saucers and make it available to the free market, a market already primed and eager to know all the God awful things going on in the world today, convinced as only those dedicated to a religious ideal could be, that nobody in their governments or military would ever let the truth set them free. And MUFON was always there.

It's always been for the laughs, fun boy.
Dan Aykroyd, one-time comedy movie star turned pro-UFO spokesman, was originally engaged by MUFON's 1990s declaration of what was then called "UFO Facts and Findings". Asked to comment on the news that MUFON no longer considers the solid investigation of UFOs necessary to pursue in order to publicize and market and sell the UFO brand, Aykroyd insisted that "it's not really necessary any more, is it? UFOs are real, and they're piloted by alien creatures from other star systems. That's a proven fact. Hell, you’ve seen all the movies. We don't need to continue this pathetic debate anymore; we just need to get the message out, and I think that's exactly what they're doing. In fact, I've invested quite a lot of my own money into this little thing, and I'm certain it'll pay off big."

Sources close to The Saucerologist have been attempting to contact Aykroyd's old friend John Belushi for the past three weeks to get his point-of-view in regard to this issue, and we were told just two-days before publication that there had been some limited success in this direction. According to one of our stringers in Los Angeles, Belushi had indeed been contacted by well-known television medium John Edward. Edward, however, made it clear that the legendary actor and comedian was not inclined to release any statements regarding any topic at all. "John Belushi insisted that he is far more concerned at this time with the condition of his own soul than he is with Dan Aykroyd's financial manipulations or why he's still screwing around with the same kind of UFO crap they used to make fun of so often when they were with Second City. He insists that Aykroyd is a hypocrite, implying pretty strongly that Aykroyd considers the whole UFO thing to be a joke that he intends to milk for as many 'bourgeoisie cold cuts' as he could possibly get. As for Belushi, he had nothing else to say, having reached the conclusion that 'binding humility', as he put it, was his primary concern and would be for a long time -- and that's a 'long time' as measured by the dead, so, y'know, go figure; it'll be a cold day in Hell, ‘cause it’s all yadda, yadda next to yabba dabba doo.

John Edward reports friendly tête–à–tête
with dead comedian John Belushi
"I can tell you this much: during the very brief moments we spent together, Belushi was wearing the same type of killer bumblebee costume that he used to wear so often when he starred as one of the Not Ready for Prime Time Players featured on the television show 'Saturday Night Live'. He said he was forcing himself to wear 'the single most hated garment in all of history' as a means to help him focus on his own humility. He was pretty clear that he would finally be working out some self-improvement issues, and was completely disgusted that he had to be dead for over 30-years before determining 'how goddamn important' it was. I tried to tell him that everyone finds grace in his own time, but he told me, 'fuck off, you little pansy.' He's so funny.

"Anyway, the bottom line is easy: when you're dead, you don't hit the books to study the calculus of kidney if you've also got the geography of soul. Dead people don't give a damn about math and they care even less about kidneys. They do, however, have some very real concerns about the soul, and that's what John's working through. Sooner or later, everybody works on the soul -- whether you're dead or alive."

Everybody except MUFON, of course. You see, MUFON is still far more interested in their bottom line, and their bottom line is pretense and money. They pretend that the investigation of UFOs is an abiding concern that they are most anxious to continue, but the only real and provable desire is for money. And when the real desire is for money, it oddly enough becomes very easy for MUFON to tell all those Hollywood rubes, "these incidents have proven to be viable UFO contact stories; they have been thoroughly investigated, they are factually supported at all levels, and they are -- each and every one -- up for sale" thereby increasing their personal market share to forty times what a more honest appraisal would have brought them on any other particularly sunny day. Nothing needs to be investigated when the corporate assumption is that 100% of the cases reported are 100% true. And that assumption is all that E.T. (as in Entertainment Television) really needs to turn out those fat little advancement checks. MUFON -- and MUFON TV -- are finally part of the Grand Parade of Lifeless Packaging.

30-years after the fact, Belushi as
killer bee finally works on his soul.
That's how we celebrate the Sell-Me-Sue-You Blues in this country. It's the calculus of kidney versus the geography of soul, and every flying saucer we’ve got comes pre-packaged with a big sign on the side spelling out FOR SALE. At The Saucerologist we want the world to believe in UFOs with the firm conviction that they are technical wonders with biological crews that have traveled across galaxies to reach us on our little blue planet. We have dedicated our lives to the proposition that logic, corrugation, responsible acrimony, and the accomplished honesty of our descendants will ultimately prove the point without forcing the world of prime time to rely on the irresponsible projection of unverified accounts authored by the undignified and ebullient caterers who today consider the MUFON reports database to be nothing more than a cash cow developed for the enrichment of vegetarians on late-night cable T.V. If MUFON believes they can prove the UFO question, they should do precisely that instead of selling the same incomprehensible drivel they are today publishing and then neglecting to investigate on the grounds that it is all just entertainment. 

We remain confident, however, that entertainment is what John Belushi did so well, whether he was wearing a silly killer bee suit or swinging a samurai sword in a sandwich shop. Whatever the Hell it is that Dan Aykroyd is doing in conjunction with the MUFON virus currently forcing UFO proponent communities to swap stupidity for gold doesn't even come close.

This is a Saucer Press International Publication

Thursday, July 14, 2016

Rudy Giuliani Loses Bid to be Trump's V.P. Alien Attack Dog

Obsessive Desire to Hold Public Office Has Again Isolated Him From Republican Voters

E.T. Presence Adopted to Woo Trump Backfires!

SPI NEW YORK CITY, NY - Rudy Giuliani, the former Mayor of New York City and currently an avowed reformer of the English language in what he considers a Spanish-speaking world, has declared himself the favored son of New York City currently under consideration for the G.O.P. Vice Presidential slot alongside his Admiral of the Soupy Seas, Donald Trump, the assumed-yet-nonetheless-disputed Presidential candidate, with the same noisy, irreverent bang that most Everlasting Gopwatchers have come to expect from the Republicans.  Hoping to capture the attention and the interest of The Donald, Giuliani apparently determined that the best means to do so was to adopt the same flavor of anti-everybody-else-in-America rhetoric last used with such distinction by Vice President Spiro Agnew, another crash and burn victim of the Republican Party's desire to excel while barely avoiding a prison term.

It's too bad he threw his speculative hat into the ring after the contest had already ended. If he had done so two weeks ago, he would still have lost, but he might not have had to bear the brunt of the heckling laughter chasing him back into Queens where even the late-but-still-amusing politicos are accorded the respect they paid for, a respect apparently dependent only on the price tag amid the clock-watchers.

Sadly, Giuliani's attempt to attract the attention he obviously requires for his own personal survival-of-the-fittest game of Hungry, Hungry Hippos, was somewhat lame coming out of the starting gate, leaving observers no choice but to conclude that he cannot possibly raise the stakes sufficiently high enough to settle the internal stresses he has been cursed with since childhood. The bookies are already tabulating odds that he will probably die, alone and unloved, within a matter of weeks, the product of another broken heart never again to pass through New Jersey. And the cause? Well, let's just say it's a short journey from your throat, past your tongue and out of your mouth when you forget to refuel at the brain first.

Giuliani's recent insistence that the "Black Lives Matter" response to years of well-organized, inconsolable, and statistically grounded racism is itself inherently racist has left most Americans with a vague and creepy aftertaste that few have ever been exposed to. Without an explanation, there appears to be little else the world can do except try to ignore this man and the sad wasting away of his once vibrant personality.

That oh so necessary explanation, however, is now forthcoming, thank God, and it is unlike anything our political system has generated in the past 230 years of American political independence. Rudy Giuliani, you see, has been victimized by an extraterrestrial threat -- the very same threat, in fact, that has left the Republican Party reeling, and has hijacked G.O.P. Presidential expectations, changing in the process the once forward reaching conservative mindset from the inside to the outhouse.

Giuliani under great pressure adopts
the advantages of alien possession
The Saucerologist, therefore, advises calm for the time being, on grounds based in common compassion for those victimized by extraterrestrial threats acting without cause or mercy. Rudy Giuliani, you see, is not responsible for the many horrendous verbs that have been ejected from his motor system mouth orifice.  The primary blame for everything that reeks of the weird, the winsome and the downright insulting, lies with Presidential candidate Donald Trump alone. If not for the extraterrestrial threat embodied by the candidacy of The Donald, Giuliani, like most Roman Catholic Italian-Americans uncertain of their own distant heritage in an America dominated from within by the extremely wealthy, would never have bothered to wrestle with the idea of an entire segment of the American population remaining typically disenfranchised, negatively profiled, and legally prevented in many cases from expressing even amongst themselves the strident political will enjoyed by nearly every other voting bloc in the United States. Years after having achieved some of the most remarkable cultural and social advances in any nation at any time, today's African-American population gets to witness those same advances being legislatively reversed on the grounds that racism is a force all but eliminated in every county in America -- at least those counties faithlessly dominated by the same Grand Ol' Party that has refused point-blank to debate issues their own constituency has all too often demanded, such as gun control, immigration, and why the Hell are black kids still being shot in the face for putting their hands in their pockets. Giuliani's ambitions would have never allowed him the freedom to express the ugliness typical of white America's self-obliterated hegemony until Trump's Republican contempt-mobile made it seem somehow attractive to a political party that seems to prefer suicide to the act of governing a nation.

Our regular readers, of course, remember The Saucerologist's outing of the Donald Trump eclectic train tour of modern America as a product of alien breeding experiments intended to produce a race containing the best qualities of both the human and the Alien Gray life forms, both of which are at times considered to be fairly intelligent when the personal interests of these otherwise petty species are not at stake (please see for the details). We were told by sources intimately involved throughout the centuries of human-alien experimentation that a human genetic trait, a sort of madness, if you will, often causes the product of such breeding to adopt the belief in his or her own unique spirit as an expression of his or her own unique divinity.

Such individuals are a result of the human genetic structure.  "Apparently, one of humanity's better qualities is its habitual and oftentimes bitterly pronounced contempt for others.  When that quality is combined with my [alien] species' humility and its spiritually-based desire to crush and then wipe-out all opponents to those missions intended to raise the quality of existence for all creatures, the sad result is exactly what you see here:  the assumed grandeur of the divine, and the eventual assumption of God-hood." It is a sad quality, of course, a God-hood undeserved that deserves only sympathy and sometimes, when dealing with excessive cases like this, a kick to the teeth. Our investigators would eventually prove that this same character of madness is particularly inherent to one specific product of the alien breeding program: Donald Trump.

Giuliani was willing to do anything to
be selected as Trump's Running Mate
Rudy Giuliani must have read our exposure of the Trump genetic traits, because he is now afflicted with an extraterrestrial Elemental, a species of alien that comes equipped with the ability to combine its bodily structure with that of another living creature. It can only be absorbed and combined in such manner with the full cooperation of the appointed subject, in this case, Giuliani himself.  We understand that the process is a very painful one and ordinarily takes a minimum of fourteen hours to complete. There is, however, no doubt that this form of "friendly possession" actually took place. Its signs are obvious and easy to pick out even in a crowd once you've been taught to identify them. For instance, the afflicted person's inhibitions tend to disappear almost immediately, and in some cases the ability to apply a logical argument to a primarily sane discussion.  We can only surmise that Rudy Giuliani believed he could reasonably expect Trump to notice the change in his demeanor, and would believe such qualities -- bestowed through alien activity just as his own qualities are -- would be valuable quality in his Vice Presidential choice. Sadly, he never even had the chance. Donald Trump has done all but ignore Giuliani for years, confident in his often expressed belief that "Giuliani is just a little weasel, and I won't even shake that freak's hand anymore -- it's always wet, and I just get pissed off. And that cologne he wears, Jeezus! What a stinker."

Elementals are a gaseous species that allegedly evolved in the core of a star that is no longer able to produce the amounts of energy needed by the race. One of the oldest species in the universe, Elementals are primarily observers of life, and the best way to accomplish such observation is to "possess" another life form, a very painful process, as we've indicated. Imagine filling your bowels with a thick gas that humms every once in awhile.  Now imagine it being packed into every hole and space in the interior of your body, and you'll understand why it's considered unpleasant at best. Use of the word "possession", a term actually used by Elementals, is considered somewhat deceptive, as the Elementals have no means to actually command the life forms they come to inhabit. A form of communication, however, most definitely takes place, so requests can be made; it's been described as kind of like your own personal radio station: you play what you want, because it's your station and you don't like listening to crap, but every other day or so, some guy with an insulting voice calls you up and demands you play some Slim Whitman yodeling songs.  And the more excited he gets, the more he starts to sound like internal farting sounds while you're trying to eat lunch. And just as you get to the point where you think you've finally gotten rid of the freak on the telephone, he raises the stakes and you suddenly realize all of the creepy shit that you thought was lying just beneath the surface of your subconscious ocean world, is very genuinely inside of your every orifice and filling all the small spare spots of your body like you're a sponge and it's the leaky brown stuff at the bottom of a trash can, and it's loud enough now that the little crowd around you has stopped dead on the sidewalk, obviously waiting for you to cross the road first. And so you play the goddamn Slim Whitman song. It's supposed to be pretty horrible, but not as bad or as insulting as being forced to eat nothing but mayonnaise on your French fries.

Of course, the life form that's been inhabited could easily choose to expel the Elemental at any time. It is believed that should an Elemental attempt to refuse banishment, it would also be very painful for the life form. To our knowledge, however, there is no record of an Elemental attempting to refuse banishment when faced with such a choice. On the other hand, most humans who have been inhabited don't banish the Elementals. They just try to ignore it, and live their life in partnership with those frequent incidents of inner turmoil they'll probably have to get used to for what remains of their lives. 

Other species who have managed to establish a far more extensive communication with Elementals insist that their goal is to remain within the body until the human dies. Humans are believed to be one of only three species in the universe known to believe in a soul and an afterlife, and Elementals, who have no such belief system, being just gaseous, drifting clouds of opinion and thought, desire to observe the process of death from within, and for that reason most Elementals have no desire to seem anything less than thankful for the opportunity. 

Although Elementals have a reputation for being among the most stubborn species in the universe today, they are also considered one of the most polite. Due to this quality, Elementals rarely express an opinion, fearful that doing so may result in a universal reputation most likely to prevent future observation of the universe they live to explore. This refusal to express opinion is unfortunately an extracurricular activity that Rudy Giuliani will very likely never adopt, especially now that he has been denied once again the opportunity to achieve a position of high office without having to put forth much effort to achieve it.

This is a Saucer Press International Publication

Friday, June 17, 2016

Nuclear Regulatory Commission Invests In UFOs & Nukes Documentary

Another of America's Brilliant Nuclear Absolutions

Keeping Our Taxes Low Since 1945!

SPI WASHINGTON DC -- Filling the holes in a mystery is best accomplished by following the basic rules of fact-finding:  you step back and connect the dots; you look for similar solutions to yesterday's strata defining the weird, and you start filling those holes with those solutions that have already worked, every once in awhile stepping back to see if the fit is good; you check the in-seam for those little bends that signal failure or a badly maintained clothes dummy; you reason out guesses with confirmations, and you look for hints of bad science and illogical impertinence; you dot your eyes and you cross your tees and then you start over from a slightly newer, more accurate position. Connect the dots. Check the fit. You don't ignore what doesn't look right, and you always, always, ALWAYS double-check your facts.  When you find that one answer that seems to work when nothing else does, you put it aside and you start over again.

With a little luck, you'll get your answers filed before dinner. Then you can watch a movie, have a couple of sodas or a beer, and go to bed and sleep like the dead on downers for a few hours. When you wake up, you start the day by plugging in yesterday's answers and looking for the big something you probably missed.

Then you start over. Again. And again. And again. Connect the dots. Follow the money. Sniff out the dreams of complexity otherwise unrewarded.

If you're lucky, you might close out the week with a sudden spark of inspiration and you'll suddenly validate your investigative instincts when that spark lights up like a lone fire in the desert, splashing onto the little theater in your consciousness like a movie under your eyelids.  If you're lucky, or better at the process than most, you might discover the beckoning reason why Robert Hastings' new documentary about the secret link between UFOs and nuclear weapons, weapons testing, and the proliferation of all things nuclear was completed in record time thanks to a very generous grant awarded by the U.S. government's little hush-hush watchdog at the Nuclear Regulatory Commission.

Why would the NRC -- said Nuclear Regulatory Commission -- want to see Hastings' magnum opus, UFOs and Nukes: The Secret Link Revealed, out as quickly as possible? Probably for the same reason they've been pushing other UFO stories ever since 3-Mile Island took a small bite out of America's history and channeled it into modern paranoia: it looks prettier when you turn out all the lights than does the threat of another glow-in-the-dark Chernobyl. 

Lights up. Everybody smiles. Somebody give the guy in the brown sweater an Academy Award, 'cause he just delivered that failsafe line with true panache wrapped up in the quickened, shattering edges of real fear at the back of his throat. Fade to black. Cut scene. Welcome to the end of the road, pal.

Robert Hastings' brilliant new documentary
lauded by Nuclear Regulatory Commission
It was the closed-mouthed federal insurance investigator, Mr. Lance Link, of Baton Rouge, Louisiana, who first confirmed the government wallet behind Robert Hastings' new documentary, and he did so in the tried and true method UFO hunters have perfected over the course of the past 60-years:  you keep asking folks to confirm the story until you finally approach one willing to be the center of attention who doesn't care much how to make that dream happen. Lance took the lesson to heart and eventually tracked down and discovered mouthy witness, Stephen Hoffman, lead singer of semi-popular rock group, "The Evolution Revolution", and one time computer security officer attached to the Nuclear Regulatory Commission. He told Lance Link the true story nobody else had the temperament to discuss, and he did it with the truly obsessive directness best found amidst his Cajun forebearers. 

"Hastings was just earnin' a paycheck, pal.  Hell, he's still just earnin' a paycheck. This kind of dew-drop play in the backfield has been an institution for decades, so what's the big freakin' deal? This is America, pal, and in America everything is for sale:  integrity -- BAM!, morality -- BOOM! -- even your sparkly all-lit-up flying saucers. And the t'ing about flying saucers that makes dealin' them out in such a lucrative market well worth the time and the effort is that one little characteristic they possess that nothin' else can ever touch: when you're dealin' out flying saucers to the rubes, baby, they don't look at nothin' else. If you don't want folks to see what you've worked and sweated so hard to bury deep in the sludge, toss up a flying saucer or two. You can hit 'em wid a truck, and they’ll still swear there was nothin' in the world but saucers. And they still got them big eyes, baby -- always will."

The Nuclear Regulatory Commission prides itself on protecting both the populace and the environment; so why in God's name would they care about UFOs? Any standard FOIA request regarding UFOs and the NRC doesn't reveal anything interesting at all -- which is kind of odd given Hastings' certainty of a link between UFOs and nuclear sites. Sadly, the only UFO a search of the NRC's FOIA documentation can reveal is when that lovely word UFO refers to Uranium Hexafluoride -- UFo.  You'll find references to things like "UFO on the road" that have nothing to do with flying saucers at all.  The thing is, any conscientious in-depth examination of the files in question -- something UFOlogists never seem to find the time to do -- reveals that a fairly large number of those flying saucers are little more than the radioactive waste byproducts the documents are really talking about -- waste products like UFo, or Uranium Hexafluoride. 

NRC employees like Stephen Hoffman get a huge kick out of it.  "What makes you t'ink dey learn?  Dey never learn, baby.  Dey just stop talkin' about it one day like a global changin' of the subject!" Stephen tends to laugh a lot these days, since laughter is the only reasonable response when you're forced to consider the whys and the wherefores regarding Nuclear America's apparent support for claims of extraterrestrial interest in our nation's nuclear capacity. The real drama, unfortunately, lies not amongst the interest allegedly possessed by flying saucers and alien saucer pilots, but in the lack of any real concern expressed by our own Department of Defense or the American Congress. We've had a number of stringers literally combing the halls and parking lots of Washington, DC trying to discover any suggestion of concern within our government, and it just isn't there. They don't seem to care even a little bit.

Our repeated badgering of Stephen Hoffman, the only witness we've been able to track down who is willing to discuss these matters in some detail, has resulted in little more than teasing commentaries and suggestions as to where we should center our research. "Hey, boy, you talk to the staff at the Library of Congress and you ast them about our budget, da U.S. budget.  You check every year goin' on back to 1950 and compare dem budgets with the budgets we got now. You go check the stats and I think you gonna find somethin' maybe interestin', maybe even more den interestin'.  Dats all I got to say. You can check jus' the nuke budgets, and you probably find what you lookin' for. But ifn you want a big, big surprise, den you check alla the DoD.  You check dem Area 51s -- d'ere about six, seven -- you find dem.  Yeah, you find dem and you find you answers. 'Cause dem flying saucers, dey been good for America, and mos' of it's pretty easy to find, too. Dey ain't classified. Dey just ain't been looked at real careful like. And you tell that pretty red-head at the catalogues dat I said hello, and I'm gonna look her up some time. She a cutie, she is. Now you jus' turn aroun' and walk the Hell outta my office -- I got work to do, and nukes to polish up an whistle at. You jus' remember what ol' Robert Redford said: you jus' folla the money, baby -- take 'er on home. Heh."

For three weeks, The Saucerologist hired stringers in Washington, DC to plant themselves at the Library of Congress in order to get copies of every Department of Defense budget proposal available since V-J Day, 1945.  We went through thousands and thousands of pages trying to hunt down those elusive differences between modern Defense contracting and those that came up post-WW2.  We got nowhere, primarily because budgets can only be informative in the context of economic value.  It took us another two weeks to translate every listing to equivalent dollar values, a tedious but necessary chore that would allow us to make some valid comparisons.  A million dollars in 1945 just doesn't have the same value as a million dollars in 2016. Or 2008. Or 1989. You see the problem. We couldn't hope to follow the clues that Hoffman had dangled in front of us until those clues were all translated into the same language -- a language that tends to change with every week; and we wanted to translate 70-years worth. It was painful. Well, it was painful, anyway, until one of the librarians asked us what we were researching. Once she knew what we needed, she was suddenly very helpful. Apparently, there is a publication put out by the Department of Defense that contains all of the information we wanted, and it was already translated, collated, and pleasingly packaged in faux-leather bindings. Here's something to remember:  if you're at the library (or a bookstore or a brothel) and you're looking for something specific, always ask someone who works there for help. You'll save yourself a lot of time and a whole lot of frustration if you do.

By the time we got to "that pretty red-head at the catalogues", we at least knew where we should be looking. We still weren't getting anywhere, and it was such a frustrating mess that a couple of the stringers started arguing about all of it, all the needles in haystacks, all the trails of bread crumbs, and all the foreign language periodicals we couldn't figure out. And that was about the time "that pretty red-head at the catalogues" thought to ask us if we needed some help.

"Are you the guys that Stevie Hoffman sent down here? 'Cause he said I should ask you if you needed some help, but he wanted me to wait until you were screaming at each other and just about to be tossed out for making too much noise. Also, you should probably know that you guys are about to be tossed out for making too much noise." 

Yeah, we needed the help, and after five-and-a-half weeks we were finally pointed to the exact documents that Stephen Hoffman was talking about. Once we figured it out -- which took another week -- we wondered why nobody had ever tied these little facts together in the way Hoffman had done, 'cause it was a real short story, but it was freaking brilliant. Thank you red-headed catalogue lady; we decided not to murder Stephen Hoffman after all, but the vote to punish him was nmonetheless enthusiastic and unanimous.  But this story was too brilliant to for us to dirty up with plans of seeking revenge for Hoffman's crazy little six-and-a-half weeks long practical joke. We decided to let him get away with it this time.

What Stephen Hoffman discovered at the Library of Congress was one of the Department of Defense's most brilliant schemes, one they carried out for some sixty-years without a single person figuring it all out even though it was completely unclassified. None of the documents we were shown were published by the Department of Defense, and most were simply Congressional budget discussions. It was apparent that a lot of people had to have been aware of at least some aspects of this case without knowing enough to put the whole story together.  Some folks saw changes in the budget allowances discussed in the proper context, but simply didn't care. After all, nobody got hurt, and very little actual work had to be done. These people within the Defense budget cadre had created a high security environment by simply making high security the answer to personal dreams for people who wanted to meet aliens.

Between 1945 and 1955, one of the most expensive necessities incurred by the Department of Defense was the basic aerial security around our military bases, particularly those known to be associated with nuclear arms, testing, design, and readiness. It was a huge cost that was starting to cut so deeply into the operating end of some of these bases and facilities that it was beginning to limit our military nuclear research capabilities -- and for a nation that by 1959 was being surpassed on almost every technical venture at that time by the Soviet Union, this was a cost that we simply could not afford to maintain. The question remained, though. How do you cut the costs of our basic, no-frills security presence at these commands?

The operating decision that the Department of Defense finally decided to implement was truly inspired by the stars in the sky. After all, what creature alarms the world faster and with more urgency than the wise old UFO-hunter with his binoculars and his fountain pens? What other temperate, well-heeled professional establishes early on, even before any security breach occurs, the lucid insistence that the lights in the sky slowly orbiting the highly secret and industrious and demanding representatives of nuclear acclimation in America need to be examined at least twice by great and heartfelt men? This, interestingly enough, is exactly what the great and heartfelt men talking busily within the Pentagon in Washington, DC have been insisting upon since their own wild and frenetic deeds were first absorbed and then dispersed by the nuclear kingdoms of Hiroshima and Nagasaki forever into the present future of mankind.

Security at Nuke commands is all
about the price-tag, baby
According to Stephen Hoffman, who refuses to go on the record as a spokesman for the Nuclear Regulatory Commission while nonetheless refusing to pull back from his clearly established point-of-view, "The United States gov'ment has been payin' off authors, movie makers, newspaper reporters and television producers for decades to push UFO claims, whether they was real or not, because it's damn good security that saves the Depa'tment of Defense billions of dollars.  There've been seven, maybe six, Area 51's over the years and ev'ry damn one of 'em had a nearly perm'nent UFO watch station set up to cover that whole sky with their video presence. Do you really think for even one short damn moment that the gov'ment couldn't easily shut them UFO boys down at any moment anytime they wanted to? You know why they leave those stations up?  'Cause they want 'em up!  American UFOlogy provides a pervasive security presence that the United States doesn't want to pay for! That's the big UFO message, here: 'Let someone else pay for it!'  And someone else does, an' it ain't the American taxpayer."

Nearly every major nuclear-based command in the nation is absolutely busy with UFO hunters, a number expected to increase significantly with the ultimate success of Robert Hastings' documentary establishing the link between UFOs and nuclear acclimation in America. They're quiet, because they don't want to be arrested, and they're thorough, because they all want to meet E.T., Starman, and the alien with the jellyfish eyes. Where Shore Police, Marines, or USAF Security Personnel stay alert waiting for an intruder to enter their secure zone, the UFO hunters are staying alert trying to spot the intruders before they even come near a secure zone. And as a result of their somewhat tumultuous reputation, nobody believes anything they say about issues adrift, allowing for a bi-directional secure environment, an aspect of the careful planning the Department of Defense has used to mold the perfect set of tools for the least amount of investment. Stephen Hoffman, as well as three additional, albeit less public, witnesses with the Nuclear Regulatory Commission, and well over a dozen witnesses at the Pentagon who tend to admire the years of imagination behind the whole operation agree that the actions taken have saved taxpayers a huge sum over the decades.  Some critics, however, complain that the government has purposely attempted to diminish by slander the previously admirable and highly professional reputations of UFOlogists worldwide in order to do so.

When it comes to UFOs, the Department of
Defense has been working the case for 60-years
Since 1945, according to both Stephen Hoffman and unclassified documents stored at the Library of Congress and many other libraries and unclassified document storage warehouses and depositories, the Department fo Defense, in the words of Stephen Hoffman, "has been workin' very hard to fix a very partic'lar reputation to a very partic'lar group of fruitcakes, and they've been so good goddamn successful at it, that nation'l security is now an assumed asset at all our military commands." And the cost?  A bunch of UFO hunters and researchers and hard core believers are reportedly unable to discuss their single-most abiding interest without someone else saying, "you're nuts, boy." Supposedly, the Department of Defense is to blame for the reputation wreckage their lives have become. When they talk about all the UFOs they've seen, nobody believes them, and yet, they appear to be providing a substantial measure of security for the very Department of Defense they blame for the mess they are now forced to own. It's a beautiful and perfect scheme: nobody with any actual government influence believes anything at all they decide to publish, but they're still out there, every day, looking through binoculars and recording everything they see, which is exactly what the Department of Defense used to do before they managed to goad the world of UFOlogy into doing it for them at zero cost.  In the words of Stephen Hoffman, "it's bloody brilliant, boy!"
So how much money did the nation save last year?  How much in the past five years? How much since Hiroshima and Nagasaki? According to "that pretty red-head" at the Library of Congress, they've easily saved billions in exchange for a comparative cost that's barely significant.  What precisely did the U.S. government have to do in order to arrange for the unknowing security presence that the UFO proponent communities have been providing for nearly 60-years? The cost must have been minimal, because all they were doing was creating belief and the need to respond to that belief. Convince one man, and for the rest of his life his mission is to prove that his belief has value. And in the long run, that's just public relations based on adequate CGI and the need to inspire. Beautiful, yeah?

Wonder of wonders, belief isn't even necessary to inspire belief; it has never been necessary. It's the inspiration that matters, because that's ultimately where belief comes from.  Even decades ago, the Department of Defense had a most definite end-game in mind, because the purpose had already been decided: save money, don't spend money. In any case, the cost has little to do with the end story, but it does vary in relation to the ultimate target of that inspiration. For some men, like Stephen Spielberg or David Bowie, it only takes a suggestion by the right person at the right time at a cost of precisely zero. Just the hint of a story and those with talent and grace and skills worthy of the market fly with it, right into the skies trailing just behind God and those lovely saucers.  For less imaginative men with fewer talents such as Robert Hastings or every draper's son who ever wrote another submersible assessment of Roswell, 1947, it takes what's hard and what's cold: shavings from the Department of Defense's black ops cash cow.

It doesn't take very much either.  Unclassified OPREPs that The Saucerologist tracked down, confirm that purchasing the cooperation of those on the take is hardly the costly investment their lack of character entitles them to, and replacements are easy enough to find should the price start to become unreasonable, as defined by Pentagon electro-magnates. The truth is, they can be purchased and are purchased for almost nothing in comparison to what's gained. These guys buy people all the time! And the cost? What cost? These men who allow themselves to be bought are the very cranks who represent and inspire silent protesters.  A very few may well use complex novels to do so, but the huge majority use simple, two-paragraph tales to protest the proliferation of the nuclear seed throughout Nuclear America. Many men will all too often do that for free! Some of them even believe they're doing something admirable, particularly those like Robert Hastings, Kevin Randle, or Robert Salas, all of whom are well aware that the story is just one more story, that the facts are invented, then packaged nicely, and then sold for a tidy profit. Like electric kool-aid acid heroes, they willingly exchange their dishonesty for the feverish self-congratulations that their ever-consciously quickening vale of anarchy and protest against the alleged madness of nuclear proliferation grants them the freedom to adopt. 

And as Americans, we just love that shit.

It's what happens when those least inclined to effectively change the world through protest unknowingly provide the necessarily secure environment that guarantees not only the existence, but the continued growth and development of the very thing they've already convinced themselves they are helping to rid the world of. What could possibly be more American than a self-consuming conspiracy of flying saucers amidst the curse of haunted Hiroshima?  Americans take a good look at the real story, and they just smile and smile, beggars in an audience of underfunded irony.

And the best part of this, we Americans tell ourselves, is the confidence we slip into at the end of the day when we realize the longevity of this tax-free haven of firm-land security. After all, it's not like they're going to just stop. In the lovely, stilted words of Stephen Hoffman, "That's the mind set, y'see. Dey'll just double down way 'fore they step off, 'cause dey believers. Hell, son, they gonna spend the nex' 60-years workin' overtime to prove dey right before dey walk out on it. Dat's why it's so brilliant!"  That's the pretty part. Show them exactly what's going on, prove it without any doubt, call down God from the mountaintop with the big voice of nuclear regulation, if you want to, and it won't change anything. Not even squat.

Dey'll just double down way 'fore they step off . . .

The true believer's need to convince non-believers that the power of his conviction will be heard and adopted by even the children of skeptics, "visiting the iniquity of the fathers on their children, on the third and the fourth generations of those" who heed not the lesson of the saucers, is the driving force behind American UFOlogy. The need is to prove that they are not complete fruitcakes, and it is this universal expectation that dictates their every act. More importantly, this is precisely the point-of-view planned, engineered, and managed by the Department of Defense since 1945, and its purpose is to inspire stubborn conviction that is inevitably targeted by the ridicule and laughter of the national audience. The immediate release of well-fostered story-time dreams like UFOs and Nukes: The Secret Link Revealed falls very nicely into place with the same perfunctory Kerr-PLOP! as every other UFO tool in the shed. 

It is the Department of Defense, more than any other single body, that makes it so easy for the world to dismiss the UFO argument as trivial.  But since it's also, according to a small handful of librarians, nuclear workers and nuclear regulators, the Department of Defense that created the UFO legend in the first place in order to obtain low-cost but dedicated policing of the skies above America's most sensitive acquisitions in the modern world, most of those in the know simply say, "it's all good." 

And everybody else smiles . . .

This is a Saucer Press International Publication