MUFON Admits UFO Investigations Unnecessary Since 1996

Goal No Longer Proof, But Profit

John Belushi to Dan Aykroyd "You're a Hypocrite!"

SPI LOS ANGELES CA -- Buried in the closing paragraphs of a recently published discussion of cable television opportunities available to MUFON publicists is the unexpected admission by advertising sales personnel that MUFON has failed to conduct even a single UFO investigation since 1996. The opening sentences to one of the issues addressed in this confession state, "Hundreds of UFO reports that are emailed or otherwise forwarded to MUFON representatives across the country have precluded any real need to conduct UFO investigations at all. MUFON simply collects the claims asserted and aggressively champions the pro-saucer point-of-view applied by the source regardless of the evidence or lack thereof as an actual condition of the report."

Primarily intended to interest those desiring to take advantage of future television investment opportunities, the report was intended to affirm the almost endless variety of possible topics of future programs that are broadly equipped for "immediate dissemination to an already receptive audience" that "requires no further investigation at all." The conclusion the draft document reaches is clear: "The opportunities to catch a ride with MUFON's money-making UFO dream team is now considered nearly limitless!" And therein lies the danger. We want to prove that UFOs are real, while MUFON wants to sell them to the highest bidder, proven or not. By adopting that stance, MUFON is doing more damage to American Ufology than a thousand skeptics could on a good day.

It's always been for the money, baby.

Since the dawning of the Saucer Times, our modern day's version of the Mount Olympus Airy Chronicles, only one element among many has remained indelibly check-marked in the little square box in column one located unmistakably next to the heart of the issue -- by which we mean the entire UFO salad circus -- only one: money. From day one, the saucer has come equipped with its very own fluctuating price tag, and while that price tag has changed significantly over the years, it has always been on the front lines of the Psycho-Saucer Wars eager for your investment. Roswell only took off ‘cause someone tried to sell it, a community activity that would ultimately morph into the most profitable raison d'etre in the entire southwest quadrant of the country. Ditto, in a less meaningful way, for Aztec, New Mexico. Everybody has always had a book or a comic book to sell, and that characteristic of the movement has remained Implacably imprinted onto that still section of dirtied earth wherever the saucers have landed. And MUFON was always there, right behind the loopy crowds, wanting to get in there as deep as a drill rig on top of an oil reservoir to do what they do best: make money at the expense of educated consumers.

You want to know the best trick they ever pulled off? They convinced an entire planet full of UFO-hungry customers that nobody makes money selling UFOs. People even started to believe that the saucer-hunters were actually sacrificing important aspects of their lives -- such as a huge profit -- just so they could discover the truth about those flying saucers and make it available to the free market, a market already primed and eager to know all the God awful things going on in the world today, convinced as only those dedicated to a religious ideal could be, that nobody in their governments or military would ever let the truth set them free. And MUFON was always there.

It's always been for the laughs, fun boy.

Dan Aykroyd, one-time comedy movie star turned pro-UFO spokesman, was originally engaged by MUFON's 1990s declaration of what was then called "UFO Facts and Findings". Asked to comment on the news that MUFON no longer considers the solid investigation of UFOs necessary to pursue in order to publicize and market and sell the UFO brand, Aykroyd insisted that "it's not really necessary any more, is it? UFOs are real, and they're piloted by alien creatures from other star systems. That's a proven fact. Hell, you’ve seen all the movies. We don't need to continue this pathetic debate anymore; we just need to get the message out, and I think that's exactly what they're doing. In fact, I've invested quite a lot of my own money into this little thing, and I'm certain it'll pay off big."

Sources close to The Saucerologist have been attempting to contact Aykroyd's old friend John Belushi for the past three weeks to get his point-of-view in regard to this issue, and we were told just two-days before publication that there had been some limited success in this direction. According to one of our stringers in Los Angeles, Belushi had indeed been contacted by well-known television medium John Edward. Edward, however, made it clear that the legendary actor and comedian was not inclined to release any statements regarding any topic at all. "John Belushi insisted that he is far more concerned at this time with the condition of his own soul than he is with Dan Aykroyd's financial manipulations or why he's still screwing around with the same kind of UFO crap they used to make fun of so often when they were with Second City. He insists that Aykroyd is a hypocrite, implying pretty strongly that Aykroyd considers the whole UFO thing to be a joke that he intends to milk for as many 'bourgeoisie cold cuts' as he could possibly get. As for Belushi, he had nothing else to say, having reached the conclusion that 'binding humility', as he put it, was his primary concern and would be for a long time -- and that's a 'long time' as measured by the dead, so, y'know, go figure; it'll be a cold day in Hell, ‘cause it’s all yadda, yadda next to yabba dabba doo.

John Edward reports friendly tête–à–tête
with dead comedian John Belushi

"I can tell you this much: during the very brief moments we spent together, Belushi was wearing the same type of killer bumblebee costume that he used to wear so often when he starred as one of the Not Ready for Prime Time Players featured on the television show 'Saturday Night Live'. He said he was forcing himself to wear 'the single most hated garment in all of history' as a means to help him focus on his own humility. He was pretty clear that he would finally be working out some self-improvement issues, and was completely disgusted that he had to be dead for over 30-years before determining 'how goddamn important' it was. I tried to tell him that everyone finds grace in his own time, but he told me, 'fuck off, you little pansy.' He's so funny.

"Anyway, the bottom line is easy: when you're dead, you don't hit the books to study the calculus of kidney if you've also got the geography of soul. Dead people don't give a damn about math and they care even less about kidneys. They do, however, have some very real concerns about the soul, and that's what John's working through. Sooner or later, everybody works on the soul -- whether you're dead or alive."

Everybody except MUFON, of course. You see, MUFON is still far more interested in their bottom line, and their bottom line is pretense and money. They pretend that the investigation of UFOs is an abiding concern that they are most anxious to continue, but the only real and provable desire is for money. And when the real desire is for money, it oddly enough becomes very easy for MUFON to tell all those Hollywood rubes, "these incidents have proven to be viable UFO contact stories; they have been thoroughly investigated, they are factually supported at all levels, and they are -- each and every one -- up for sale" thereby increasing their personal market share to forty times what a more honest appraisal would have brought them on any other particularly sunny day. Nothing needs to be investigated when the corporate assumption is that 100% of the cases reported are 100% true. And that assumption is all that E.T. (as in Entertainment Television) really needs to turn out those fat little advancement checks. MUFON -- and MUFON TV -- are finally part of the Grand Parade of Lifeless Packaging.

30-years after the fact, Belushi as
killer bee finally works on his soul.

That's how we celebrate the Sell-Me-Sue-You Blues in this country. It's the calculus of kidney versus the geography of soul, and every flying saucer we’ve got comes pre-packaged with a big sign on the side spelling out FOR SALE. At The Saucerologist we want the world to believe in UFOs with the firm conviction that they are technical wonders with biological crews that have traveled across galaxies to reach us on our little blue planet. We have dedicated our lives to the proposition that logic, corrugation, responsible acrimony, and the accomplished honesty of our descendants will ultimately prove the point without forcing the world of prime time to rely on the irresponsible projection of unverified accounts authored by the undignified and ebullient caterers who today consider the MUFON reports database to be nothing more than a cash cow developed for the enrichment of vegetarians on late-night cable T.V. If MUFON believes they can prove the UFO question, they should do precisely that instead of selling the same incomprehensible drivel they are today publishing and then neglecting to investigate on the grounds that it is all just entertainment. 

We remain confident, however, that entertainment is what John Belushi did so well, whether he was wearing a silly killer bee suit or swinging a samurai sword in a sandwich shop. Whatever the Hell it is that Dan Aykroyd is doing in conjunction with the MUFON virus currently forcing UFO proponent communities to swap stupidity for gold doesn't even come close.

This is a Saucer Press International Publication