Sunday, July 31, 2016

MUFON Admits UFO Investigations Unnecessary Since 1996

Goal No Longer Proof, But Profit

John Belushi to Dan Aykroyd "You're a Hypocrite!"

SPI LOS ANGELES CA -- Buried in the closing paragraphs of a recently published discussion of cable television opportunities available to MUFON publicists is the unexpected admission by advertising sales personnel that MUFON has failed to conduct even a single UFO investigation since 1996. The opening sentences to one of the issues addressed in this confession state, "Hundreds of UFO reports that are emailed or otherwise forwarded to MUFON representatives across the country have precluded any real need to conduct UFO investigations at all. MUFON simply collects the claims asserted and aggressively champions the pro-saucer point-of-view applied by the source regardless of the evidence or lack thereof as an actual condition of the report."

Primarily intended to interest those desiring to take advantage of future television investment opportunities, the report was intended to affirm the almost endless variety of possible topics of future programs that are broadly equipped for "immediate dissemination to an already receptive audience" that "requires no further investigation at all." The conclusion the draft document reaches is clear: "The opportunities to catch a ride with MUFON's money-making UFO dream team is now considered nearly limitless!" And therein lies the danger. We want to prove that UFOs are real, while MUFON wants to sell them to the highest bidder, proven or not. By adopting that stance, MUFON is doing more damage to American Ufology than a thousand skeptics could on a good day.

It's always been for the money, baby.
Since the dawning of the Saucer Times, our modern day's version of the Mount Olympus Airy Chronicles, only one element among many has remained indelibly check-marked in the little square box in column one located unmistakably next to the heart of the issue -- by which we mean the entire UFO salad circus -- only one: money. From day one, the saucer has come equipped with its very own fluctuating price tag, and while that price tag has changed significantly over the years, it has always been on the front lines of the Psycho-Saucer Wars eager for your investment. Roswell only took off ‘cause someone tried to sell it, a community activity that would ultimately morph into the most profitable raison d'etre in the entire southwest quadrant of the country. Ditto, in a less meaningful way, for Aztec, New Mexico. Everybody has always had a book or a comic book to sell, and that characteristic of the movement has remained Implacably imprinted onto that still section of dirtied earth wherever the saucers have landed. And MUFON was always there, right behind the loopy crowds, wanting to get in there as deep as a drill rig on top of an oil reservoir to do what they do best: make money at the expense of educated consumers.

You want to know the best trick they ever pulled off? They convinced an entire planet full of UFO-hungry customers that nobody makes money selling UFOs. People even started to believe that the saucer-hunters were actually sacrificing important aspects of their lives -- such as a huge profit -- just so they could discover the truth about those flying saucers and make it available to the free market, a market already primed and eager to know all the God awful things going on in the world today, convinced as only those dedicated to a religious ideal could be, that nobody in their governments or military would ever let the truth set them free. And MUFON was always there.

It's always been for the laughs, fun boy.
Dan Aykroyd, one-time comedy movie star turned pro-UFO spokesman, was originally engaged by MUFON's 1990s declaration of what was then called "UFO Facts and Findings". Asked to comment on the news that MUFON no longer considers the solid investigation of UFOs necessary to pursue in order to publicize and market and sell the UFO brand, Aykroyd insisted that "it's not really necessary any more, is it? UFOs are real, and they're piloted by alien creatures from other star systems. That's a proven fact. Hell, you’ve seen all the movies. We don't need to continue this pathetic debate anymore; we just need to get the message out, and I think that's exactly what they're doing. In fact, I've invested quite a lot of my own money into this little thing, and I'm certain it'll pay off big."

Sources close to The Saucerologist have been attempting to contact Aykroyd's old friend John Belushi for the past three weeks to get his point-of-view in regard to this issue, and we were told just two-days before publication that there had been some limited success in this direction. According to one of our stringers in Los Angeles, Belushi had indeed been contacted by well-known television medium John Edward. Edward, however, made it clear that the legendary actor and comedian was not inclined to release any statements regarding any topic at all. "John Belushi insisted that he is far more concerned at this time with the condition of his own soul than he is with Dan Aykroyd's financial manipulations or why he's still screwing around with the same kind of UFO crap they used to make fun of so often when they were with Second City. He insists that Aykroyd is a hypocrite, implying pretty strongly that Aykroyd considers the whole UFO thing to be a joke that he intends to milk for as many 'bourgeoisie cold cuts' as he could possibly get. As for Belushi, he had nothing else to say, having reached the conclusion that 'binding humility', as he put it, was his primary concern and would be for a long time -- and that's a 'long time' as measured by the dead, so, y'know, go figure; it'll be a cold day in Hell, ‘cause it’s all yadda, yadda next to yabba dabba doo.

John Edward reports friendly tête–à–tête
with dead comedian John Belushi
"I can tell you this much: during the very brief moments we spent together, Belushi was wearing the same type of killer bumblebee costume that he used to wear so often when he starred as one of the Not Ready for Prime Time Players featured on the television show 'Saturday Night Live'. He said he was forcing himself to wear 'the single most hated garment in all of history' as a means to help him focus on his own humility. He was pretty clear that he would finally be working out some self-improvement issues, and was completely disgusted that he had to be dead for over 30-years before determining 'how goddamn important' it was. I tried to tell him that everyone finds grace in his own time, but he told me, 'fuck off, you little pansy.' He's so funny.

"Anyway, the bottom line is easy: when you're dead, you don't hit the books to study the calculus of kidney if you've also got the geography of soul. Dead people don't give a damn about math and they care even less about kidneys. They do, however, have some very real concerns about the soul, and that's what John's working through. Sooner or later, everybody works on the soul -- whether you're dead or alive."

Everybody except MUFON, of course. You see, MUFON is still far more interested in their bottom line, and their bottom line is pretense and money. They pretend that the investigation of UFOs is an abiding concern that they are most anxious to continue, but the only real and provable desire is for money. And when the real desire is for money, it oddly enough becomes very easy for MUFON to tell all those Hollywood rubes, "these incidents have proven to be viable UFO contact stories; they have been thoroughly investigated, they are factually supported at all levels, and they are -- each and every one -- up for sale" thereby increasing their personal market share to forty times what a more honest appraisal would have brought them on any other particularly sunny day. Nothing needs to be investigated when the corporate assumption is that 100% of the cases reported are 100% true. And that assumption is all that E.T. (as in Entertainment Television) really needs to turn out those fat little advancement checks. MUFON -- and MUFON TV -- are finally part of the Grand Parade of Lifeless Packaging.

30-years after the fact, Belushi as
killer bee finally works on his soul.
That's how we celebrate the Sell-Me-Sue-You Blues in this country. It's the calculus of kidney versus the geography of soul, and every flying saucer we’ve got comes pre-packaged with a big sign on the side spelling out FOR SALE. At The Saucerologist we want the world to believe in UFOs with the firm conviction that they are technical wonders with biological crews that have traveled across galaxies to reach us on our little blue planet. We have dedicated our lives to the proposition that logic, corrugation, responsible acrimony, and the accomplished honesty of our descendants will ultimately prove the point without forcing the world of prime time to rely on the irresponsible projection of unverified accounts authored by the undignified and ebullient caterers who today consider the MUFON reports database to be nothing more than a cash cow developed for the enrichment of vegetarians on late-night cable T.V. If MUFON believes they can prove the UFO question, they should do precisely that instead of selling the same incomprehensible drivel they are today publishing and then neglecting to investigate on the grounds that it is all just entertainment. 

We remain confident, however, that entertainment is what John Belushi did so well, whether he was wearing a silly killer bee suit or swinging a samurai sword in a sandwich shop. Whatever the Hell it is that Dan Aykroyd is doing in conjunction with the MUFON virus currently forcing UFO proponent communities to swap stupidity for gold doesn't even come close.

This is a Saucer Press International Publication

Thursday, July 14, 2016

Rudy Giuliani Loses Bid to be Trump's V.P. Alien Attack Dog

Obsessive Desire to Hold Public Office Has Again Isolated Him From Republican Voters

E.T. Presence Adopted to Woo Trump Backfires!

SPI NEW YORK CITY, NY - Rudy Giuliani, the former Mayor of New York City and currently an avowed reformer of the English language in what he considers a Spanish-speaking world, has declared himself the favored son of New York City currently under consideration for the G.O.P. Vice Presidential slot alongside his Admiral of the Soupy Seas, Donald Trump, the assumed-yet-nonetheless-disputed Presidential candidate, with the same noisy, irreverent bang that most Everlasting Gopwatchers have come to expect from the Republicans.  Hoping to capture the attention and the interest of The Donald, Giuliani apparently determined that the best means to do so was to adopt the same flavor of anti-everybody-else-in-America rhetoric last used with such distinction by Vice President Spiro Agnew, another crash and burn victim of the Republican Party's desire to excel while barely avoiding a prison term.

It's too bad he threw his speculative hat into the ring after the contest had already ended. If he had done so two weeks ago, he would still have lost, but he might not have had to bear the brunt of the heckling laughter chasing him back into Queens where even the late-but-still-amusing politicos are accorded the respect they paid for, a respect apparently dependent only on the price tag amid the clock-watchers.

Sadly, Giuliani's attempt to attract the attention he obviously requires for his own personal survival-of-the-fittest game of Hungry, Hungry Hippos, was somewhat lame coming out of the starting gate, leaving observers no choice but to conclude that he cannot possibly raise the stakes sufficiently high enough to settle the internal stresses he has been cursed with since childhood. The bookies are already tabulating odds that he will probably die, alone and unloved, within a matter of weeks, the product of another broken heart never again to pass through New Jersey. And the cause? Well, let's just say it's a short journey from your throat, past your tongue and out of your mouth when you forget to refuel at the brain first.

Giuliani's recent insistence that the "Black Lives Matter" response to years of well-organized, inconsolable, and statistically grounded racism is itself inherently racist has left most Americans with a vague and creepy aftertaste that few have ever been exposed to. Without an explanation, there appears to be little else the world can do except try to ignore this man and the sad wasting away of his once vibrant personality.

That oh so necessary explanation, however, is now forthcoming, thank God, and it is unlike anything our political system has generated in the past 230 years of American political independence. Rudy Giuliani, you see, has been victimized by an extraterrestrial threat -- the very same threat, in fact, that has left the Republican Party reeling, and has hijacked G.O.P. Presidential expectations, changing in the process the once forward reaching conservative mindset from the inside to the outhouse.

Giuliani under great pressure adopts
the advantages of alien possession
The Saucerologist, therefore, advises calm for the time being, on grounds based in common compassion for those victimized by extraterrestrial threats acting without cause or mercy. Rudy Giuliani, you see, is not responsible for the many horrendous verbs that have been ejected from his motor system mouth orifice.  The primary blame for everything that reeks of the weird, the winsome and the downright insulting, lies with Presidential candidate Donald Trump alone. If not for the extraterrestrial threat embodied by the candidacy of The Donald, Giuliani, like most Roman Catholic Italian-Americans uncertain of their own distant heritage in an America dominated from within by the extremely wealthy, would never have bothered to wrestle with the idea of an entire segment of the American population remaining typically disenfranchised, negatively profiled, and legally prevented in many cases from expressing even amongst themselves the strident political will enjoyed by nearly every other voting bloc in the United States. Years after having achieved some of the most remarkable cultural and social advances in any nation at any time, today's African-American population gets to witness those same advances being legislatively reversed on the grounds that racism is a force all but eliminated in every county in America -- at least those counties faithlessly dominated by the same Grand Ol' Party that has refused point-blank to debate issues their own constituency has all too often demanded, such as gun control, immigration, and why the Hell are black kids still being shot in the face for putting their hands in their pockets. Giuliani's ambitions would have never allowed him the freedom to express the ugliness typical of white America's self-obliterated hegemony until Trump's Republican contempt-mobile made it seem somehow attractive to a political party that seems to prefer suicide to the act of governing a nation.

Our regular readers, of course, remember The Saucerologist's outing of the Donald Trump eclectic train tour of modern America as a product of alien breeding experiments intended to produce a race containing the best qualities of both the human and the Alien Gray life forms, both of which are at times considered to be fairly intelligent when the personal interests of these otherwise petty species are not at stake (please see for the details). We were told by sources intimately involved throughout the centuries of human-alien experimentation that a human genetic trait, a sort of madness, if you will, often causes the product of such breeding to adopt the belief in his or her own unique spirit as an expression of his or her own unique divinity.

Such individuals are a result of the human genetic structure.  "Apparently, one of humanity's better qualities is its habitual and oftentimes bitterly pronounced contempt for others.  When that quality is combined with my [alien] species' humility and its spiritually-based desire to crush and then wipe-out all opponents to those missions intended to raise the quality of existence for all creatures, the sad result is exactly what you see here:  the assumed grandeur of the divine, and the eventual assumption of God-hood." It is a sad quality, of course, a God-hood undeserved that deserves only sympathy and sometimes, when dealing with excessive cases like this, a kick to the teeth. Our investigators would eventually prove that this same character of madness is particularly inherent to one specific product of the alien breeding program: Donald Trump.

Giuliani was willing to do anything to
be selected as Trump's Running Mate
Rudy Giuliani must have read our exposure of the Trump genetic traits, because he is now afflicted with an extraterrestrial Elemental, a species of alien that comes equipped with the ability to combine its bodily structure with that of another living creature. It can only be absorbed and combined in such manner with the full cooperation of the appointed subject, in this case, Giuliani himself.  We understand that the process is a very painful one and ordinarily takes a minimum of fourteen hours to complete. There is, however, no doubt that this form of "friendly possession" actually took place. Its signs are obvious and easy to pick out even in a crowd once you've been taught to identify them. For instance, the afflicted person's inhibitions tend to disappear almost immediately, and in some cases the ability to apply a logical argument to a primarily sane discussion.  We can only surmise that Rudy Giuliani believed he could reasonably expect Trump to notice the change in his demeanor, and would believe such qualities -- bestowed through alien activity just as his own qualities are -- would be valuable quality in his Vice Presidential choice. Sadly, he never even had the chance. Donald Trump has done all but ignore Giuliani for years, confident in his often expressed belief that "Giuliani is just a little weasel, and I won't even shake that freak's hand anymore -- it's always wet, and I just get pissed off. And that cologne he wears, Jeezus! What a stinker."

Elementals are a gaseous species that allegedly evolved in the core of a star that is no longer able to produce the amounts of energy needed by the race. One of the oldest species in the universe, Elementals are primarily observers of life, and the best way to accomplish such observation is to "possess" another life form, a very painful process, as we've indicated. Imagine filling your bowels with a thick gas that humms every once in awhile.  Now imagine it being packed into every hole and space in the interior of your body, and you'll understand why it's considered unpleasant at best. Use of the word "possession", a term actually used by Elementals, is considered somewhat deceptive, as the Elementals have no means to actually command the life forms they come to inhabit. A form of communication, however, most definitely takes place, so requests can be made; it's been described as kind of like your own personal radio station: you play what you want, because it's your station and you don't like listening to crap, but every other day or so, some guy with an insulting voice calls you up and demands you play some Slim Whitman yodeling songs.  And the more excited he gets, the more he starts to sound like internal farting sounds while you're trying to eat lunch. And just as you get to the point where you think you've finally gotten rid of the freak on the telephone, he raises the stakes and you suddenly realize all of the creepy shit that you thought was lying just beneath the surface of your subconscious ocean world, is very genuinely inside of your every orifice and filling all the small spare spots of your body like you're a sponge and it's the leaky brown stuff at the bottom of a trash can, and it's loud enough now that the little crowd around you has stopped dead on the sidewalk, obviously waiting for you to cross the road first. And so you play the goddamn Slim Whitman song. It's supposed to be pretty horrible, but not as bad or as insulting as being forced to eat nothing but mayonnaise on your French fries.

Of course, the life form that's been inhabited could easily choose to expel the Elemental at any time. It is believed that should an Elemental attempt to refuse banishment, it would also be very painful for the life form. To our knowledge, however, there is no record of an Elemental attempting to refuse banishment when faced with such a choice. On the other hand, most humans who have been inhabited don't banish the Elementals. They just try to ignore it, and live their life in partnership with those frequent incidents of inner turmoil they'll probably have to get used to for what remains of their lives. 

Other species who have managed to establish a far more extensive communication with Elementals insist that their goal is to remain within the body until the human dies. Humans are believed to be one of only three species in the universe known to believe in a soul and an afterlife, and Elementals, who have no such belief system, being just gaseous, drifting clouds of opinion and thought, desire to observe the process of death from within, and for that reason most Elementals have no desire to seem anything less than thankful for the opportunity. 

Although Elementals have a reputation for being among the most stubborn species in the universe today, they are also considered one of the most polite. Due to this quality, Elementals rarely express an opinion, fearful that doing so may result in a universal reputation most likely to prevent future observation of the universe they live to explore. This refusal to express opinion is unfortunately an extracurricular activity that Rudy Giuliani will very likely never adopt, especially now that he has been denied once again the opportunity to achieve a position of high office without having to put forth much effort to achieve it.

This is a Saucer Press International Publication