Thursday, July 14, 2016

Rudy Giuliani Loses Bid to be Trump's V.P. Alien Attack Dog

Obsessive Desire to Hold Public Office Has Again Isolated Him From Republican Voters

E.T. Presence Adopted to Woo Trump Backfires!

SPI NEW YORK CITY, NY - Rudy Giuliani, the former Mayor of New York City and currently an avowed reformer of the English language in what he considers a Spanish-speaking world, has declared himself the favored son of New York City currently under consideration for the G.O.P. Vice Presidential slot alongside his Admiral of the Soupy Seas, Donald Trump, the assumed-yet-nonetheless-disputed Presidential candidate, with the same noisy, irreverent bang that most Everlasting Gopwatchers have come to expect from the Republicans.  Hoping to capture the attention and the interest of The Donald, Giuliani apparently determined that the best means to do so was to adopt the same flavor of anti-everybody-else-in-America rhetoric last used with such distinction by Vice President Spiro Agnew, another crash and burn victim of the Republican Party's desire to excel while barely avoiding a prison term.

It's too bad he threw his speculative hat into the ring after the contest had already ended. If he had done so two weeks ago, he would still have lost, but he might not have had to bear the brunt of the heckling laughter chasing him back into Queens where even the late-but-still-amusing politicos are accorded the respect they paid for, a respect apparently dependent only on the price tag amid the clock-watchers.

Sadly, Giuliani's attempt to attract the attention he obviously requires for his own personal survival-of-the-fittest game of Hungry, Hungry Hippos, was somewhat lame coming out of the starting gate, leaving observers no choice but to conclude that he cannot possibly raise the stakes sufficiently high enough to settle the internal stresses he has been cursed with since childhood. The bookies are already tabulating odds that he will probably die, alone and unloved, within a matter of weeks, the product of another broken heart never again to pass through New Jersey. And the cause? Well, let's just say it's a short journey from your throat, past your tongue and out of your mouth when you forget to refuel at the brain first.

Giuliani's recent insistence that the "Black Lives Matter" response to years of well-organized, inconsolable, and statistically grounded racism is itself inherently racist has left most Americans with a vague and creepy aftertaste that few have ever been exposed to. Without an explanation, there appears to be little else the world can do except try to ignore this man and the sad wasting away of his once vibrant personality.

That oh so necessary explanation, however, is now forthcoming, thank God, and it is unlike anything our political system has generated in the past 230 years of American political independence. Rudy Giuliani, you see, has been victimized by an extraterrestrial threat -- the very same threat, in fact, that has left the Republican Party reeling, and has hijacked G.O.P. Presidential expectations, changing in the process the once forward reaching conservative mindset from the inside to the outhouse.

Giuliani under great pressure adopts
the advantages of alien possession
The Saucerologist, therefore, advises calm for the time being, on grounds based in common compassion for those victimized by extraterrestrial threats acting without cause or mercy. Rudy Giuliani, you see, is not responsible for the many horrendous verbs that have been ejected from his motor system mouth orifice.  The primary blame for everything that reeks of the weird, the winsome and the downright insulting, lies with Presidential candidate Donald Trump alone. If not for the extraterrestrial threat embodied by the candidacy of The Donald, Giuliani, like most Roman Catholic Italian-Americans uncertain of their own distant heritage in an America dominated from within by the extremely wealthy, would never have bothered to wrestle with the idea of an entire segment of the American population remaining typically disenfranchised, negatively profiled, and legally prevented in many cases from expressing even amongst themselves the strident political will enjoyed by nearly every other voting bloc in the United States. Years after having achieved some of the most remarkable cultural and social advances in any nation at any time, today's African-American population gets to witness those same advances being legislatively reversed on the grounds that racism is a force all but eliminated in every county in America -- at least those counties faithlessly dominated by the same Grand Ol' Party that has refused point-blank to debate issues their own constituency has all too often demanded, such as gun control, immigration, and why the Hell are black kids still being shot in the face for putting their hands in their pockets. Giuliani's ambitions would have never allowed him the freedom to express the ugliness typical of white America's self-obliterated hegemony until Trump's Republican contempt-mobile made it seem somehow attractive to a political party that seems to prefer suicide to the act of governing a nation.

Our regular readers, of course, remember The Saucerologist's outing of the Donald Trump eclectic train tour of modern America as a product of alien breeding experiments intended to produce a race containing the best qualities of both the human and the Alien Gray life forms, both of which are at times considered to be fairly intelligent when the personal interests of these otherwise petty species are not at stake (please see for the details). We were told by sources intimately involved throughout the centuries of human-alien experimentation that a human genetic trait, a sort of madness, if you will, often causes the product of such breeding to adopt the belief in his or her own unique spirit as an expression of his or her own unique divinity.

Such individuals are a result of the human genetic structure.  "Apparently, one of humanity's better qualities is its habitual and oftentimes bitterly pronounced contempt for others.  When that quality is combined with my [alien] species' humility and its spiritually-based desire to crush and then wipe-out all opponents to those missions intended to raise the quality of existence for all creatures, the sad result is exactly what you see here:  the assumed grandeur of the divine, and the eventual assumption of God-hood." It is a sad quality, of course, a God-hood undeserved that deserves only sympathy and sometimes, when dealing with excessive cases like this, a kick to the teeth. Our investigators would eventually prove that this same character of madness is particularly inherent to one specific product of the alien breeding program: Donald Trump.

Giuliani was willing to do anything to
be selected as Trump's Running Mate
Rudy Giuliani must have read our exposure of the Trump genetic traits, because he is now afflicted with an extraterrestrial Elemental, a species of alien that comes equipped with the ability to combine its bodily structure with that of another living creature. It can only be absorbed and combined in such manner with the full cooperation of the appointed subject, in this case, Giuliani himself.  We understand that the process is a very painful one and ordinarily takes a minimum of fourteen hours to complete. There is, however, no doubt that this form of "friendly possession" actually took place. Its signs are obvious and easy to pick out even in a crowd once you've been taught to identify them. For instance, the afflicted person's inhibitions tend to disappear almost immediately, and in some cases the ability to apply a logical argument to a primarily sane discussion.  We can only surmise that Rudy Giuliani believed he could reasonably expect Trump to notice the change in his demeanor, and would believe such qualities -- bestowed through alien activity just as his own qualities are -- would be valuable quality in his Vice Presidential choice. Sadly, he never even had the chance. Donald Trump has done all but ignore Giuliani for years, confident in his often expressed belief that "Giuliani is just a little weasel, and I won't even shake that freak's hand anymore -- it's always wet, and I just get pissed off. And that cologne he wears, Jeezus! What a stinker."

Elementals are a gaseous species that allegedly evolved in the core of a star that is no longer able to produce the amounts of energy needed by the race. One of the oldest species in the universe, Elementals are primarily observers of life, and the best way to accomplish such observation is to "possess" another life form, a very painful process, as we've indicated. Imagine filling your bowels with a thick gas that humms every once in awhile.  Now imagine it being packed into every hole and space in the interior of your body, and you'll understand why it's considered unpleasant at best. Use of the word "possession", a term actually used by Elementals, is considered somewhat deceptive, as the Elementals have no means to actually command the life forms they come to inhabit. A form of communication, however, most definitely takes place, so requests can be made; it's been described as kind of like your own personal radio station: you play what you want, because it's your station and you don't like listening to crap, but every other day or so, some guy with an insulting voice calls you up and demands you play some Slim Whitman yodeling songs.  And the more excited he gets, the more he starts to sound like internal farting sounds while you're trying to eat lunch. And just as you get to the point where you think you've finally gotten rid of the freak on the telephone, he raises the stakes and you suddenly realize all of the creepy shit that you thought was lying just beneath the surface of your subconscious ocean world, is very genuinely inside of your every orifice and filling all the small spare spots of your body like you're a sponge and it's the leaky brown stuff at the bottom of a trash can, and it's loud enough now that the little crowd around you has stopped dead on the sidewalk, obviously waiting for you to cross the road first. And so you play the goddamn Slim Whitman song. It's supposed to be pretty horrible, but not as bad or as insulting as being forced to eat nothing but mayonnaise on your French fries.

Of course, the life form that's been inhabited could easily choose to expel the Elemental at any time. It is believed that should an Elemental attempt to refuse banishment, it would also be very painful for the life form. To our knowledge, however, there is no record of an Elemental attempting to refuse banishment when faced with such a choice. On the other hand, most humans who have been inhabited don't banish the Elementals. They just try to ignore it, and live their life in partnership with those frequent incidents of inner turmoil they'll probably have to get used to for what remains of their lives. 

Other species who have managed to establish a far more extensive communication with Elementals insist that their goal is to remain within the body until the human dies. Humans are believed to be one of only three species in the universe known to believe in a soul and an afterlife, and Elementals, who have no such belief system, being just gaseous, drifting clouds of opinion and thought, desire to observe the process of death from within, and for that reason most Elementals have no desire to seem anything less than thankful for the opportunity. 

Although Elementals have a reputation for being among the most stubborn species in the universe today, they are also considered one of the most polite. Due to this quality, Elementals rarely express an opinion, fearful that doing so may result in a universal reputation most likely to prevent future observation of the universe they live to explore. This refusal to express opinion is unfortunately an extracurricular activity that Rudy Giuliani will very likely never adopt, especially now that he has been denied once again the opportunity to achieve a position of high office without having to put forth much effort to achieve it.

This is a Saucer Press International Publication

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