Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Los Angeles Woman Channels Spirit of Dr. J. Allen Hynek

UFOs Caused by Swamp Gas

SPI LOS ANGELES, CA - The Earthbound spirit of Dr. J. Allen Hynek, famed UFO apologist, was unexpectedly channeled during a March 2011 taping of the now cancelled television series Ghost Hunters International, reportedly causing great unrest amongst the crew.   The Saucerologist is currently attempting to secure a copy of the tapes for publication, believing that the revelations Dr. Hynek has apparently revealed about UFOs after his death are every bit as important as the revelations he was prepared to affirm while he was still alive.

Sources report, however, that this attempt to reveal the truth underlying such important UFO-related matters may be doomed to failure, like so many other revelations of UFO fact.  Attempts to censor the contents of those tapes are today being undertaken by the very same individuals featured therein, most notably, Barry FitzGerald, one of the stars of the now defunct television reality show.   One source attributes this to the fact that the tapes' contents are "simply humiliating."

"I thought Barry FitzGerald was going to pee his pants," reported one of the post production coordinators.  We had this psychic chick hanging around for a couple of days, a real pain, but she was quiet, never said anything and didn't bother anyone, so we were all like, what's the big deal?   Let her hang out, y'know?   More importantly, she had brought in a whole box full of these little chocolate pastries for the crew to snack on, so we figured, what the heck?  Let her hang out and have a little non-intrusive fun.   No big deal, right?   And everyone loves chocolate.

"Unfortunately, Barry had to go and make some crack about 'who let little Miss Space Cadet Saucer Buff onto the set?   This is a closed fucking set!'   Turns out he used to date her way back when he was just a spook fan," our source explained.   "Anyway, that's about the time Hynek showed up."

Marcus Pardo, a sound re-recording mixer who allowed our reporter to buy him another drink (while accepting as well the promise of a quarter-ounce of clean medical marijuana if he opened up some regarding the incident), added that "her voice got all dark and hairy all of a sudden.   She looked right at FitzGerald and in a perfect Harvey Fierstein imitation said, "Somebody gimme a gun right now, so I can shoot this little prick!   And who're you calling 'Little Miss' anything, you screwy diva fag!  I'm Dr. J. Allen Hynek, and I am already pissed off, you sorry little bitch, so you do not want to get on my bad side." 

Dr. J. Allen Hynek amongst the living
Pardo later claimed, "I got the whole thing on tape, and I assure you, it's a modern classic, like some weird spinoff with balls comin' right outta The Exorcist or something.  It's full of some really witchy stuff!" 

Associates of The Saucerologist are currently involved in a bidding war with The Fortean Times for first world publication rights for the alleged recording, but multiple sources have suggested that Barry FitzGerald will never allow the contents of those tapes to be made public.   One confidential source insists that "Hynek had his number down cold.  FitzGerald is in panic mode a lot these days and seems to think that he'll never get another job if those tapes are made public.  Most of us film wonks, on the other hand, are pretty sure that a scandal like this could only help him."

Our sources insist that only one person present during the 2011 taping actually knew who Dr. J. Allen Hynek was, but felt that it was important nonetheless to get some sort of confirmation from the earthbound spirit before asking it any in-depth questions.   "So who the Hell is J. Allen Hynek?" can clearly be heard on one of the tapes we were allowed to examine.   Our sources claim that the individual attempting to confirm the spirit's identity was 16-year old crew intern Bobby Griegerson.

According to Marcus Pardo, the boy's identity should probably remain anonymous since "Barry FitzGerald isn't supposed to be within 100 feet of any 16-year old boy as part of a plea bargain from a few years ago with some D.A. out at Fresno.   Somethin' like this gets out and he's doing 5-15 out at Pelican Bay."

In answer to Bobby Griegerson's timely question, the alleged earthbound spirit responded, "I'm nobody -- a loser.   I was just a guy who wanted folks to stop calling me an Air Force stooge, that's all.   I was a scientist, and I wanted everyone to know that I had an open mind as far as UFOs are concerned.   But apparently God thought I was too full of pride, so when I died and got to Heaven, the first thing I found out was that I was right all along, UFOs are real and they're everywhere.  If that was the end of God's UFO revelations, I'd be fine with it, but apparently the damn things are all caused by swamp gas, so the USAF is right too!"

According to Pardo, Hynek started crying at that point, and didn't say anything else that could be made out, just some sobbing and soft groans, and every now and again a whining lament, "Why me? I'm just a joke!"

"It didn't look like Hynek was inclined to say anything else, so we pretty much just sat back and ate the rest of those chocolate pastries."   Once the pastries had been eaten, "we kicked her off the set.  Him, too.  It turns out that technically, FitzGerald was right:  it was a 'closed fucking set', so we had to kick her out.  While we were eating the pastries, though, she started to talk a little more -- or Hynek did, I guess -- and he had some pretty interesting UFO stuff to say."

Pardo insists that this "UFO stuff" discussed by Hynek while the pastries were being eaten by the film crew was truly alarming.   "We've agreed not to discuss any of it in any real detail in order to increase the overall cost of the tapes.  You've gotta understand, we're trying to make some money, and we want to be real clear about that from the get go.   I should add, however, that what Hynek discusses is fascinating as Hell in light of the recent brouhaha about the alien photographs that were recently unveiled in Mexico City.   What Hynek has to say about angels and how angels look just like mummified kids in Peru is only one of the alarming points he makes on this 2011 recording."

Should we be successful in our venture to purchase the rights to the Ghost Hunters International tapes, stay tuned for further UFO revelations to be published here on The Saucerologist.

This is a Saucer Press International Publication.

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