Secrets of Rendlesham UFO Finally Exposed!

Trace Evidence Confirms Nature of UFO

SPI LONDON, ENGLAND - Recent analysis of trace evidence, including DNA, discovered and collected at the scene of the Rendlesham UFO incursion was finally analyzed this week.  The evidence has been maintained as confidential case materials at a USAF holding facility at Barksdale AFB, Louisiana.  An extensive analysis was undertaken once the technology to do so was available.  The resulting conclusions have finally been established and the facts are undeniable:  it was Dick Van Dyke.

In December 1980, military servicemen engaged in a security exercise at Rendlesham Forest, England witnessed what was subsequently reported to be a UFO.  Many UFOlogists in Great Britain and abroad consider the case one of the foremost UFO incidents on record.  It has often been referred to as the "British Roswell", possibly a recognition of the poor driving and navigational skills reportedly possessed by the alleged alien pilots that seem to be common to both cases.

The materials in question had been held untested for thirty-five years, making it the oldest forensic evidence archive to be successfully tested and reported upon in USAF history.  Air Force personnel associated with the holding facility reported that the tests were conducted at the formal request of eleven members of the British Parliament, all of whom have requested anonymity.  USAF sources added that the tests would never have been conducted had a formal request not been made.

One of the service members directly involved with the testing characterized the USAF response in the context of its importance to national security:  "We're really not that interested.  In our experience, UFO investigations have proven to be a complete waste of time, effort and money, and we wish to God people would leave us out of it.  You should tell folks to just call a cop for chrissake.  That's the easy answer.  They're paid to give a damn!"

An inwardly consistent solution to the Rendlesham Forest incident has never been effectively proposed, a condition likely stemming from the inability of witnesses to maintain a cohesive and consistent testimony, a characteristic of the case that has been recognized and willingly elaborated on by skeptics for many years.  Details of this sort have also convinced many news organizations and government personnel that there was no actual UFO involvement with the events at Rendlesham Forest in 1980.

While it is true that Walter Matthau was once considered a likely suspect for the Rendlesham Forest UFO, that supposition was never proven.  In contrast, Dick Van Dyke's association with the case was never considered as even a remote possibility.  The DNA trace evidence, however, has ascertained to a probability of 1 in 294-billion that any solution that does not include entertainer Dick Van Dyke's responsibility for the incident would be a tremendous waste of time to even consider.  As Walter Matthau once stated when asked whether or not he was "that funny little guy" in Mary Poppins, "well, honey, I'm pretty sure that only Dick Van Dyke can fill those shoes.  Unless you're talkin' about those goddamn penguins, in which case you need to shut-up and get me another Martini." 

Dick Van Dyke: Rendlesham UFO?

"I guess it could have been me," the famous actor and comedian stated in a phone call with SPI editors.  "I was a little off the normal bend in those days, and I was certainly in the region more than once.  I used to fall asleep outside a lighthouse that was in the area.  The truth is, I don't remember much of anything else, so obviously I can't confirm the story.  On the other hand, I can't say for certain that I was not involved."

A self-admitted alcoholic, Van Dyke insists that "it wasn't the alcohol that did it.  I was getting some fine treatment for that and was almost what you'd call sober throughout the 1980s.  On the other hand, I was a monster for horse tranquilizers blind-sided with a little crystal chaser, so pretty much anything else really is possible."

When asked to comment on the possibility that someone might have seen him running around the woods, and reported him as the Rendlesham UFO, the renowned funnyman insisted that "there was a good couple of years when my Fitzwilly acted pretty independently of my will power, trying to Chitty Chitty Bang Bang everything from Bye Bye Birdie to Mary Poppins, so, yeah -- I'd say it's possible."

Asked to explain that comment, he wiggled his ears, jumped up and kicked his heels together and fretted, "How the Hell am I supposed to answer that?  I've been clinically ridiculous since 1961!  I thought I was a leprechaun throughout the 1970s until my agent showed me how little gold I really had access to.  Why do you think I went back to network television?"

Local MUFON members insist that Van Dyke couldn't possibly be responsible for the incident.  Executive Director of MUFON, Jan C. Harzan, insists that "those DNA tests had to be bogus.  This is all just another USAF cover-up in action.  Those guys are shameless."  Asked what evidence he has to support this belief, Harzan was unflinching:  "I've got a pretty insistent feeling about it, and that is more than enough to convince me -- my doubts are instinctual, and I trust them one-hundred percent.  They've never been wrong, because they're based entirely on the psychic projections originating with the aliens currently based on the far side of the moon.  I'm pretty sure I could prove it to the whole world in an instant if the USAF would simply release all of the classified documentation related to the case.  I already know they've got it -- they've just made it impossible for folks like you and me to examine it."

Harzan added that while he was certain DNA profiles of everybody whose name ever appeared in a newspaper have indeed been archived and are now maintained by the military-industrial complex currently centralized in the United States, he is absolutely certain that those records prove nothing at all in relation to the Rendlesham UFO incident.  "The USAF cover-up at Rendlesham can't possibly be explained using DNA, because the aliens who are responsible for the Rendlesham UFO incident don't even have DNA.  They're constructed entirely of a silicone base.  That's why American men find them so damn attractive." 

Upon being queried, the USAF Public Relations Office attached to Barksdale AFB, Louisiana, issued the following three sentence rebuke to Harzan's charges:  "We're pretty satisfied that Dick Van Dyke did it all, so Harzan can whine about it for the next hundred years if he wants.  The truth is we really don't give a damn about UFOs or any other imaginary phenomena, so on an official level, we're just going to ignore the guy.  Personally, though, I think he's a freaking head case, and he should probably be locked up for his own protection."

Harzan could not be reached for comment.

This is a Saucer Press International Publication.