Thursday, July 20, 2017

Starbuck's X'mas Controversy Leads to Great Revelations

Here's another blast from the past, originally published Wednesday, December 2, 2015.  We'll return to our Roswell narrative when the full context of Mr. Roger Cragget's obsession with fake news is fully investigated.  We appreciate your patience.

Divinity Claimed by Muhammad, St. Paul and Others was a Genetic Mistake!

(and Jesus was a terrible dancer)

SPI PHILADELPHIA, PA - Frufrick Sturplefloss, self-anointed residential coordinator for the Bethlehem, Pennsylvania Tourist Board, has stormed right into the Starbucks "Happy Holidays" coffee cup controversy, and the GOP is not too happy about it!  Republican strategists only created the issue to gauge conservative voters' willingness to aggressively stage an argument centered on meaningless, trivial issues as opposed to matters of worthwhile concern, so Sturplefloss' forced entry into this heartfelt, albeit pointless discussion was completely unexpected.  Even worse, Sturplefloss, it seems, is defending the Republican point-of-view for reasons that most conservative politicos have every reason to avoid:  it draws attention to their common want of divinity.

Frufrick Sturplefloss, a Gray Alien born in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania on Christmas morning, 1998, has been preaching the Gospel According to Frufrick since watching Stephen Spielberg's "E.T." when he was just a young pup.  "That is MY story," Sturplefloss insists.  "I am the E.T. who suffers the little children to come unto me, and I judge it a damnable shame that the Starbucks Corporation has refused to celebrate my divinity simply because it prefers to be more generic with its remembrance, its now unspeakably silent disregard for the wholly celebratory Paper Cup, the Holy Grail of the Great Coffee Bean, the wide-awakening of my coming forth that signifies for all time mankind's liberation from Death.  It isn't a happy holiday, a worthless kind wish, a caffeine-free amplification of the breakfast spirit's will, by God.  It is MY birthday, and it represents the holy means by which I came to save this Earth, to save this planet from its own unholy scriptures and terror-filled drives in the muddy station-wagons, the grand Chevrolet Impalas of yesteryear.  It represents the lingering illness and stillness that refuses to curse the agitating Star Buck that has chosen to raise in ignorance the will of a great and sorely lost people selected by the cream and by the coffee to lose forevermore its brown sweetness and white sugar by ignoring ME."

When asked to explain how he came to recognize his divinity, Sturplefloss didn't exactly take his inspirational cue from the Gospel of the Coffee Bean:  "I have seen it always on the wide screens of man's youth and Enterprise that originates only within the Great Kirk. I am the Mocking Jay while the Star Buck is the Minion.  I am the Holy Bond, the double-oh-seven of the Resurrection, while It is the Sky Fall amidst the cold Spectre. Through MY heart flows the great Guyver; it is upon MY breath and through MY blessing alone that mankind shall come unto the great Narnia, the Lone Star Hobbit, for I alone am the Harry Potter's wheel and the Potter's kiln.  They are the Manson Family while I am the Manson Family Vacation; they are the Hellraiser, while I am the Raisin in the Sun. Drink deep of my wisdom, for they are the DoggieWoggiez and PoochieWoochiez, while I alone am the Samurai Cat!"

Bethlehem, Pennsylvania City Council member, Robert Saxony, a Republican, made it very clear that neither he nor his party supported Sturplefloss' claims.  "Personally, I think he's insane.  For one thing, there is no Bethlehem, Pennsylvania Tourist Board, which means there is no residential coordinator for the Bethlehem, Pennsylvania Tourist Board.  He's just a freaked-out Gray Alien with delusions of grandeur!  He thinks that 'cause he was born in Bethlehem on Christmas Day, that he must be the new Jesus Christ.  Well, it's nothing but babbling as far as I'm concerned.  Babbling and blasphemy!"

Donald Trump weighs in
GOP front runner Donald Trump made his views equally clear:  "If I was a practicing Christian, I'd be pissed off with this alien Jesus Christ wannabee and his blatant desegregation of Christmas.  Don't get me wrong, I'm as much a Christian as any other New Yorker, but I don't need to practice it half as much as a lot of folks do -- y'know like that black Muslim nation or those yellow Shinto freaks with their fat little Buddhas.  They need to practice their Christianity a whole lot more than I do.  Frankly, I'll be the best damn Christian that the White House ever saw if I'm elected President, and you can bet that I'd force the rest of Washington, DC to go Christian as well -- I'd put it in the Constitution that you can't be an elected official unless you're a Christian, and you'd have to prove it.  Somebody just give me a damn pen and it would be done.  That Constitutional right that the President can change what's in the Constitution is one power of the Executive that I'd be using a whole lot.  You look at all the statistics, and you'll notice right off the bat that most of our Presidents hardly ever take advantage of that Executive right; it's like they're afraid of the Supreme Court or something, which is just a joke!  That wouldn't be me, I assure you.  I'd be making important and near perfect corrections all over the place, just like George Washington did.  And I'd get rid of those damn Gray Aliens in exactly the same way.  I'd be the greatest damn anti-alien President this country ever saw.  And I'd get rid of soccer, too -- just to prove I could do it!" 

Eager to get a story that didn't look like more of Donald Trump's complete crap, representatives of The Saucerologist managed to secure a short telephone interview with one of the original Gray Alien Ambassadors, Repplesmunck Yoleoderff, just before he left for his annual dark matter recalibration stigmata aboard the Alien dock to the International Space Station.  Yoleoderff makes a clear case that the faulty fruit under examination does not originate with the Gray Aliens, but with Earthborn humans. 

The Saucerologist:  Can you explain for our readers why you believe an obviously disturbed Gray Alien isn't responsible for his own actions?  You've said that the fault ultimately lies within human biology.  Well, most humans won't look at it that way, not without some kind of explanation.

Yoleoderff:  Like most of those who come to believe they possess some form of divinity, Frufrick Sturplefloss's human DNA is entirely to blame.  He may look like a pure-breed Gray Alien, but he is not.  He is a result of my people's ancient attempts to breed a race containing the best qualities of each of our species.  Apparently, one of humanity's better qualities is its habitual and oftentimes bitterly pronounced contempt for others.  When that quality is combined with my species' humility and its spiritually-based desire to crush and then wipe-out all opponents to those missions intended to raise the quality of existence for all creatures, the sad result is exactly what you see here:  the assumed grandeur of the divine, and the eventual assumption of God-hood.  I understand the breeding project is still active, but I don't believe there have been any significant advances at all.  Unfortunately, it used to be quite common for those born as a result of our breeding program who also possessed the strength to survive childhood to believe that they possessed a unique spirit, a quality of the divine that other individuals did not possess.  I can assure you as a direct witness to many of these incidents that it rarely worked out well for them or for those around them.

The Saucerologist:  Are you saying that throughout Earth's history, your people conducted breeding experiments that led to the creation of individuals who were actually divine?

Yoleoderff (laughing):  Oh, heavens no!  There's no such thing as divinity!  No, these individuals were delusional as a result of the inherent psychological contradictions that came about when the better qualities of my species and the better qualities of your species were intermingled within a single host.  And even then you have to figure in the almost typical chromosome disintegration that often took place.  I can promise you, though, that there was no real divinity, only their belief in divinity.  It certainly created a number of fascinating case files, most of which, I believe, are currently available on Amazon dot com.  Look under "false prophets" or something like that.  I recall reading that the author Colin Wilson once requested a number of files from us some years ago, so you might look under his name.  I'm sure he wrote a book or two on the subject.  For a pagan, he was very prolific considering that most of them tend to spend more time celebrating nature and the fruit of the vine than they do actually producing anything -- except more wine, I mean.  Maybe he just talked the talk, y'know?  Most modern pagans are pretty loose when attesting to their belief system, not like in the old days when someone was expected to volunteer themselves for human sacrifice every twelve years or so.  Now those guys had some real dedication to the program!  In any case, insofar as our breeding program was concerned, a lot of those guys were representative of the same type of personality that you're currently witnessing at work in the mind of Frufrick Sturplefloss.  And I promise you, past examples of the phenomena were no more divine than he is -- or you for that matter.

The Saucerologist:  You know I've got to ask this, now that you've broken the story:  who exactly is on that list of the falsely divine?  Was Jesus Christ?

Yoleoderff:  Given the personalities at work, you'd think that, wouldn't you?  But, no, he was genuinely special, as such things go -- a good man during a really rotten and brutal period in Earth history.  What he went through was just horrific, something nobody should go through, especially if you're just trying to teach people how to be better people.  He was dedicated, though.  He considered his personal mission to be a clear duty to God and to the Hebrew people, so it was surprising, really, that he embodied such considerable humility.  Usually, the assumption of duty makes a man proud, which can turn him into a bit of a dick -- an annoyance more than a teacher worthy of anybody's admiration.  With Yeshua, the man called the Christ, we have the example of a quiet yet brilliant mind, who was also an absolutely terrible dancer.  And, oddly enough, it was this quality that made him such a significantly humble example of a man who acts upon his own assumed definition of duty, because dancing was so incredibly important to the Hebrews.  

Jesus joins in the Dance
That's something you really don't hear about a lot, but it was a plain fact of life amongst many pre-diaspora Jews, especially in Judea.  A lot of dance was ritualized, but it was also an expression of great joy, which was considered a valid and important aspect of worship -- possibly the most important.  King David was a fine dancer, who danced in the streets to celebrate his God and his Rule.  The bringing of the Ark of the Covenant to Jerusalem inspired King David and his subjects to dance before God.  He was known to leap, twist, spin himself silly, jump with both feet into the air, and it was all centered in his religious and worshipful joy.  This was typical of his sons as well. Yeshua, on the other hand, was just clumsy, and that made him appear more than a little creepy when he tried to focus on the dance.  His mother used to laugh at him mercilessly for it!

This practice of dancing was exactly the sort of act that people are supposed to lose themselves in -- it's the whole point of dance as a part of celebration and worship.  But Yeshua the Christ was uncoordinated and clumsy, so he tended to focus on the details, on the steps of the dance, to formalize his own joy.  And, of course, this just made things even worse.  The man had no sense of grace at all.  Eventually, he reached the conclusion that he could never truly worship his God in the instinctual and joyful manner that he desperately desired, so he simply quit trying.  Instead, he came to believe himself duty bound to help others worship properly; he got rid of that internally directed focus on himself and his dancing and re-centered it instead outside of himself.  He focused his joy outward on other people.  

Yeshua saw something that others couldn't:  that people were so concerned about trying to reach their God in joyful communion that they became unable to lose themselves in their worship of God.  His greatest gift was his elucidation of what was primarily an emotional and instinctual belief that the worship of God had little real worth unless the worshiper lost himself in the process, thereby allowing God, as he saw it, to possess man in reckless abandon.  He taught desperate men that their inability to lose themselves in worship trapped them in a never-ending loop of despair.  Privately, he equated the inability of others to properly worship God with his own inability to lose himself in dance.  He sincerely believed that most of the Hebrews of his time had way too much focus and nowhere near enough depth.  To remedy that trait, he taught people that they didn't have to try so hard to get into the Kingdom of God, because they were already there.  In the long run, his handicap of being such a terrible dancer helped him to become a great man and a fine teacher.  

Unfortunately, he neglected to teach that lesson to both the Sadducees and their Roman overseers, so they misinterpreted everything he had to say, and convinced themselves that it was just easier to get rid of him, than to try and understand him.

Ironically, Paul -- the one who was named Saul by his parents -- was very much a product of our breeding program.  He wanted so much for people to consider him divine, but he was such a physically ugly man, that it just would not happen.  You can thank the Greeks for that bit of body prejudice.  Anybody beautiful within had to be beautiful without as well.  If they weren't, they ended up like Socrates -- mad, bad, and dangerous to know.  The man called St. Paul was so ugly because he was a half-breed, but he was a great talker and traveler who was also easily bored, and that was part of his charm. He decided to make Yeshua a God, since he couldn't be one himself.  He had some weird dream of becoming the first Pope, divine by right of conquest, or some such foolish thing, but he didn't know that Peter already had that job nailed down, and he had no intention of giving it away.  

Most of the half-breeds my people came up with were not completely brilliant, and they often came up with terrible coping strategies as a result.  It's why so many of them died when they were so young.  They basically made targets of themselves.

The Saucerologist:  So you're saying that Socrates was also in your breeding program?

Yoleoderff:  Oh, no -- he was just a very ugly, little man, so his arrogance tended to bother people.  He should have tried to control what others said about him a little more. It probably would have helped him a lot if only he had the civil authority to do what the Great Islamic Prophet Muhammad did:  make it a crime to depict him or otherwise describe him to others.  It was a brilliant means of controlling the message, and Muhammad was the first person in history to do so in such an effective way.  Of course, he absolutely had to do it, because he was also in our breeding program, and he definitely looked the part.  The Gray Alien genes really stood out a lot in him, so he had an image problem that needed to be addressed.

The Saucerologist:  I always thought that the Muslims came up with that rule because they were trying to prevent the early adherents to Islam from backsliding into idolatry. You know:  if they can't paint pictures or create statues of the Great Prophet Muhammad, then those members of the church who were raised by their parents as pagans would be less inclined to worship those portraits and those statues of the Prophet when things went bad for them.  If they don't have the actual idols to worship, than they're forced to continue worshipping the undefined image of Allah as taught to them by the undefined image of the Great Prophet Muhammad. 

The Great Prophet, Muhammad
Yoleoderff:  No, no, that's not even close.  After all, backsliders were simply executed.  The early Muslims made it a crime to physically depict the Prophet or otherwise describe his physical form to others, because he wasn't entirely human, and his physical features made that extremely obvious.  It was already a social taboo to depict the physical form of Allah, and that taboo, of course, came about in order to discourage idolatry.  Muhammad, however, was considered a Prophet, not a God.  They made it a crime to depict his image for two reasons:  first, they didn't want possible converts to know what he looked like.  He not only understood and took to heart the lesson of St. Paul, he also realized that he was a target for assassination, and any description of him -- or worse, a picture -- would have endangered both him and the new religion of Islam that he was espousing.  And two, he thought they could get away with it. History proves he was right.  

In any case, it was due to this early taboo regarding the depiction of his physical looks that the Great Prophet Muhammad and his teachings became so successfully ingrained into modern civilization.  They weren't trying to prevent the adoption of idolatry as a target of worship -- they just wanted to keep Muhammad's physical looks a secret.  And they succeeded.

The Saucerologist:  So this breeding program resulted in delusional thinking that was based on their belief that they were unique? 

Yoleoderff:  Absolutely.  The fact that they were genuinely unique is just the pile-on of more irony.  Our program was also the direct cause of living ascensions to heaven.  At some point, the chromosomal character that made such genetic wonders desperate to possess divinity just breaks down, and it happens with extreme speed.  From a short distance away, this chromosomal behavior looks like Dracula being staked out on a lovely, sunny day in July:  he immediately turns into an angry flash of cold light and a bloody mist and just drifts away on the breeze as if he never even existed.  Now that's ascension, my friend!  Just kidding.  It's actually just another hum drum death, but it looks just remarkable, so a lot people with just a tiny bit of sense suggested that this sudden cloud of red, misty blood and pheromones came about when God ascended his most holy representatives to Heaven.  Actually they just died another kind of messy death.  The closer you were, the messier it got.  It was all very dramatic really.  At least it looked that way.  

The Saucerologist:  And yet the breeding program is still active.  Why is that?

Yoleoderff:  Why do you think?  False prophets tend to unite public opinion one way or the other, and that's a valuable commodity in any age.  Populations under this type of influence are either fanatical under the application of their religious beliefs, or they're fanatical in their contempt for religious belief.  Either way, they make it easy for us Gray Aliens to predict their effect on others which in turn makes control of entire societies an easy goal for us to adopt.  We use a very well constructed series of mathematical applications governed by a standard protocol that's been in use by our anthropology conditioners now for about 1600-years.  It's been tested and confirmed by quality assurance engineers throughout the entire history of its use, so we're very confident of its accuracy.  We were able to predict the conservative revolution of the 1980s under Ronald Reagan about 60-years before the United States had even declared its independence.  In fact, the first set of logarithmic predictors were actually being assessed in the 1690s!  Our temporal engineers, however, weren't confident enough in the results to act upon them until right around 1712.
I often wonder whether or not it would have been possible to limit the economic disaster that Reagan and his Republican cohorts precipitated if we had started acting upon those predictors in the 1690s when they were first noted.  Reagan didn't believe that a nation's debts could have any influence at all on that nation's internal economic stressors, so he didn't care much how many debts his administration needlessly assumed.  He was the first American President to create a national deficit over a trillion dollars, and the recklessness this precedent set and the fact that it was progressively reapplied by every Republican President that followed has completely ripped out the heart of the GOP's insistence that it alone possesses the moral integrity to prepare the Earth for the benefit of future populations.  The truth of the matter tells a completely different story.  Republicans throughout the 20th and, thus far, the 21st centuries have done more damage to the United States' fiscal and probative identity than the American Civil War of the 1860s.  That's what happens when you decide to declare war on science:  you lose.  Always.  You know, it becomes harder every year for the GOP to deny that its belief in a Biblical Apocalypse and its unrepentant intention to bring about that Apocalypse by any means necessary is the primary basis of its entire underlying national policy and ultimate intent.  That's why we Gray Aliens always vote Democrat; we don't want to be forced to witness the radioactive destruction of this entire planet just so the Republican Party can crow about how they're the only party in America trying to facilitate the Second Coming of Jesus Christ!

In any case, we discovered a long time ago that the polarizing nature created by the inception of false prophets and the unconditional use of outlandish prophecy by such individuals can often be used to influence entire populations, thereby allowing for some measure of control that wouldn't normally exist.  I won't go into any of the details, because the aggressive application of such knowledge by those who don't understand it can sometimes have a grave effect on the outcome, but I can tell you that my people have been diligently and tirelessly working to prevent a worldwide Apocalypse brought on by religious cranks since around 330 A.D.  The true enemy of all life is constantly attempting to expedite the Second Coming of Jesus Christ or the Advent of Allah, or the Reign of Jehovah, or God or whatever other little nickname you people have for the Prime Deity -- a Deity that I happen to know for a fact hasn't even been born yet. 

You people go on and on and on about the end of the world like it's supposed to be some great, driving force of humanity, a goal the whole universe should jump behind and give a push to, but you're always changing the silly damn rules intended to get you there!  You have no consistency at all, not even from one election to the next.  It can be very frustrating at times to try and figure you silly people out.  Humans tend to have nothing but contempt for false prophets, but until somebody in authority decides that they are indeed false, you can't help but jump out of your own skin trying to be the first in line to follow their ultimately ridiculous directions and built in, handy dandy tools for improving a perfectly acceptable life by turning it into what's usually a long, painful, ultimately meaningless and foolishly uncompromising existence!  Do you people ever bother to examine the self-imposed restrictions these maniacs convince you to adopt?  You're not supposed to mix milk with blood, a living sacrifice is better than a vegetable sacrifice, it's a sin to pack away your woolen sweaters with your cotton T-shirts, you have to love your neighbor, but if you do so too much, your neighbor has to execute you, the first man in line is an idiot, while the last man in line is a criminal for not being the first man in line, the buttress of your pain is below your glory, but forsake thee not the man who holds your heart high!  I can assure you most vigorously and with extreme sincerity that our use of such deluded individuals who invariably populate this huge, starry-eyed collection of false prophets and mockingbird gods has prevented worldwide Holocaust, Apocalypse, the end of the yellow-brick road or whatever else you want to call the very real destruction of most of the advanced life on most of this little blue planet at least eleven times in the past four-hundred and fifty years alone -- and a lot of it you people have still failed to even notice!  Because of their general delusions and outwardly directed stupidity, the false prophets of this planet you call DIRT represent tools that can be very useful in the right hands.  Look, we don't normally try to explain any of this to the Human Race.  You have a nasty habit of taking very real brilliance and dulling it to a flat gray.  Hell, every time you find a real prophet, you end up torturing him or her to death! 

Look, don't believe me -- you'll probably be happier for it -- but everything that I've said, you can actually prove.  The only prerequisites are to go to school, learn a little science, and then apply it.  I promise you, it's very easy to see the effects of that control of false prophecy and manipulated character development at any time by simply learning how to determine what events or actions or even motivations fall clearly under the direct influence of mankind's delusions of grandeur, because nine times out of ten those delusions are being influenced by those false prophets who are still around and still religiously seeking an audience to enthrall. It's very easy. Once you know what you're looking for, all of history spins nicely into place. 

The Saucerologist:  So you mean that some of these deluded cranks are still out there? They're still alive and preaching?  Now that's a news story!  So spill it, pal.  Who today is active, influential and looking to be God?

Yoleoderff:  You humans never listen.  And you never ask the hard questions.  Who do you think is at the top of the list?  It's always someone who wants to tear everything down in order to replace it with something worse, so it should be obvious. 

It's Donald Trump...  Hell, it's always been Donald Trump.

This is a Saucer Press International Publication.

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