Nuclear Regulatory Commission Invests In UFOs & Nukes Documentary

Another of America's Brilliant Nuclear Absolutions

Keeping Our Taxes Low Since 1945!

SPI WASHINGTON DC -- Filling the holes in a mystery is best accomplished by following the basic rules of fact-finding:  you step back and connect the dots; you look for similar solutions to yesterday's strata defining the weird, and you start filling those holes with those solutions that have already worked, every once in awhile stepping back to see if the fit is good; you check the in-seam for those little bends that signal failure or a badly maintained clothes dummy; you reason out guesses with confirmations, and you look for hints of bad science and illogical impertinence; you dot your eyes and you cross your tees and then you start over from a slightly newer, more accurate position. Connect the dots. Check the fit. You don't ignore what doesn't look right, and you always, always, ALWAYS double-check your facts.  When you find that one answer that seems to work when nothing else does, you put it aside and you start over again.

With a little luck, you'll get your answers filed before dinner. Then you can watch a movie, have a couple of sodas or a beer, and go to bed and sleep like the dead on downers for a few hours. When you wake up, you start the day by plugging in yesterday's answers and looking for the big something you probably missed.

Then you start over. Again. And again. And again. Connect the dots. Follow the money. Sniff out the dreams of complexity otherwise unrewarded.

If you're lucky, you might close out the week with a sudden spark of inspiration and you'll suddenly validate your investigative instincts when that spark lights up like a lone fire in the desert, splashing onto the little theater in your consciousness like a movie under your eyelids.  If you're lucky, or better at the process than most, you might discover the beckoning reason why Robert Hastings' new documentary about the secret link between UFOs and nuclear weapons, weapons testing, and the proliferation of all things nuclear was completed in record time thanks to a very generous grant awarded by the U.S. government's little hush-hush watchdog at the Nuclear Regulatory Commission.

Why would the NRC -- said Nuclear Regulatory Commission -- want to see Hastings' magnum opus, UFOs and Nukes: The Secret Link Revealed, out as quickly as possible? Probably for the same reason they've been pushing other UFO stories ever since 3-Mile Island took a small bite out of America's history and channeled it into modern paranoia: it looks prettier when you turn out all the lights than does the threat of another glow-in-the-dark Chernobyl. 

Lights up. Everybody smiles. Somebody give the guy in the brown sweater an Academy Award, 'cause he just delivered that failsafe line with true panache wrapped up in the quickened, shattering edges of real fear at the back of his throat. Fade to black. Cut scene. Welcome to the end of the road, pal.

Robert Hastings' brilliant new documentary
lauded by Nuclear Regulatory Commission

It was the closed-mouthed federal insurance investigator, Mr. Lance Link, of Baton Rouge, Louisiana, who first confirmed the government wallet behind Robert Hastings' new documentary, and he did so in the tried and true method UFO hunters have perfected over the course of the past 60-years:  you keep asking folks to confirm the story until you finally approach one willing to be the center of attention who doesn't care much how to make that dream happen. Lance took the lesson to heart and eventually tracked down and discovered mouthy witness, Stephen Hoffman, lead singer of semi-popular rock group, "The Evolution Revolution", and one time computer security officer attached to the Nuclear Regulatory Commission. He told Lance Link the true story nobody else had the temperament to discuss, and he did it with the truly obsessive directness best found amidst his Cajun forebearers. 

"Hastings was just earnin' a paycheck, pal.  Hell, he's still just earnin' a paycheck. This kind of dew-drop play in the backfield has been an institution for decades, so what's the big freakin' deal? This is America, pal, and in America everything is for sale:  integrity -- BAM!, morality -- BOOM! -- even your sparkly all-lit-up flying saucers. And the t'ing about flying saucers that makes dealin' them out in such a lucrative market well worth the time and the effort is that one little characteristic they possess that nothin' else can ever touch: when you're dealin' out flying saucers to the rubes, baby, they don't look at nothin' else. If you don't want folks to see what you've worked and sweated so hard to bury deep in the sludge, toss up a flying saucer or two. You can hit 'em wid a truck, and they’ll still swear there was nothin' in the world but saucers. And they still got them big eyes, baby -- always will."

The Nuclear Regulatory Commission prides itself on protecting both the populace and the environment; so why in God's name would they care about UFOs? Any standard FOIA request regarding UFOs and the NRC doesn't reveal anything interesting at all -- which is kind of odd given Hastings' certainty of a link between UFOs and nuclear sites. Sadly, the only UFO a search of the NRC's FOIA documentation can reveal is when that lovely word UFO refers to Uranium Hexafluoride -- UFo.  You'll find references to things like "UFO on the road" that have nothing to do with flying saucers at all.  The thing is, any conscientious in-depth examination of the files in question -- something UFOlogists never seem to find the time to do -- reveals that a fairly large number of those flying saucers are little more than the radioactive waste byproducts the documents are really talking about -- waste products like UFo, or Uranium Hexafluoride. 

NRC employees like Stephen Hoffman get a huge kick out of it.  "What makes you t'ink dey learn?  Dey never learn, baby.  Dey just stop talkin' about it one day like a global changin' of the subject!" Stephen tends to laugh a lot these days, since laughter is the only reasonable response when you're forced to consider the whys and the wherefores regarding Nuclear America's apparent support for claims of extraterrestrial interest in our nation's nuclear capacity. The real drama, unfortunately, lies not amongst the interest allegedly possessed by flying saucers and alien saucer pilots, but in the lack of any real concern expressed by our own Department of Defense or the American Congress. We've had a number of stringers literally combing the halls and parking lots of Washington, DC trying to discover any suggestion of concern within our government, and it just isn't there. They don't seem to care even a little bit.

Our repeated badgering of Stephen Hoffman, the only witness we've been able to track down who is willing to discuss these matters in some detail, has resulted in little more than teasing commentaries and suggestions as to where we should center our research. "Hey, boy, you talk to the staff at the Library of Congress and you ast them about our budget, da U.S. budget.  You check every year goin' on back to 1950 and compare dem budgets with the budgets we got now. You go check the stats and I think you gonna find somethin' maybe interestin', maybe even more den interestin'.  Dats all I got to say. You can check jus' the nuke budgets, and you probably find what you lookin' for. But ifn you want a big, big surprise, den you check alla the DoD.  You check dem Area 51s -- d'ere about six, seven -- you find dem.  Yeah, you find dem and you find you answers. 'Cause dem flying saucers, dey been good for America, and mos' of it's pretty easy to find, too. Dey ain't classified. Dey just ain't been looked at real careful like. And you tell that pretty red-head at the catalogues dat I said hello, and I'm gonna look her up some time. She a cutie, she is. Now you jus' turn aroun' and walk the Hell outta my office -- I got work to do, and nukes to polish up an whistle at. You jus' remember what ol' Robert Redford said: you jus' folla the money, baby -- take 'er on home. Heh."

For three weeks, The Saucerologist hired stringers in Washington, DC to plant themselves at the Library of Congress in order to get copies of every Department of Defense budget proposal available since V-J Day, 1945.  We went through thousands and thousands of pages trying to hunt down those elusive differences between modern Defense contracting and those that came up post-WW2.  We got nowhere, primarily because budgets can only be informative in the context of economic value.  It took us another two weeks to translate every listing to equivalent dollar values, a tedious but necessary chore that would allow us to make some valid comparisons.  A million dollars in 1945 just doesn't have the same value as a million dollars in 2016. Or 2008. Or 1989. You see the problem. We couldn't hope to follow the clues that Hoffman had dangled in front of us until those clues were all translated into the same language -- a language that tends to change with every week; and we wanted to translate 70-years worth. It was painful. Well, it was painful, anyway, until one of the librarians asked us what we were researching. Once she knew what we needed, she was suddenly very helpful. Apparently, there is a publication put out by the Department of Defense that contains all of the information we wanted, and it was already translated, collated, and pleasingly packaged in faux-leather bindings. Here's something to remember:  if you're at the library (or a bookstore or a brothel) and you're looking for something specific, always ask someone who works there for help. You'll save yourself a lot of time and a whole lot of frustration if you do.

By the time we got to "that pretty red-head at the catalogues", we at least knew where we should be looking. We still weren't getting anywhere, and it was such a frustrating mess that a couple of the stringers started arguing about all of it, all the needles in haystacks, all the trails of bread crumbs, and all the foreign language periodicals we couldn't figure out. And that was about the time "that pretty red-head at the catalogues" thought to ask us if we needed some help.

"Are you the guys that Stevie Hoffman sent down here? 'Cause he said I should ask you if you needed some help, but he wanted me to wait until you were screaming at each other and just about to be tossed out for making too much noise. Also, you should probably know that you guys are about to be tossed out for making too much noise." 

Yeah, we needed the help, and after five-and-a-half weeks we were finally pointed to the exact documents that Stephen Hoffman was talking about. Once we figured it out -- which took another week -- we wondered why nobody had ever tied these little facts together in the way Hoffman had done, 'cause it was a real short story, but it was freaking brilliant. Thank you red-headed catalogue lady; we decided not to murder Stephen Hoffman after all, but the vote to punish him was nmonetheless enthusiastic and unanimous.  But this story was too brilliant to for us to dirty up with plans of seeking revenge for Hoffman's crazy little six-and-a-half weeks long practical joke. We decided to let him get away with it this time.

What Stephen Hoffman discovered at the Library of Congress was one of the Department of Defense's most brilliant schemes, one they carried out for some sixty-years without a single person figuring it all out even though it was completely unclassified. None of the documents we were shown were published by the Department of Defense, and most were simply Congressional budget discussions. It was apparent that a lot of people had to have been aware of at least some aspects of this case without knowing enough to put the whole story together.  Some folks saw changes in the budget allowances discussed in the proper context, but simply didn't care. After all, nobody got hurt, and very little actual work had to be done. These people within the Defense budget cadre had created a high security environment by simply making high security the answer to personal dreams for people who wanted to meet aliens.

Between 1945 and 1955, one of the most expensive necessities incurred by the Department of Defense was the basic aerial security around our military bases, particularly those known to be associated with nuclear arms, testing, design, and readiness. It was a huge cost that was starting to cut so deeply into the operating end of some of these bases and facilities that it was beginning to limit our military nuclear research capabilities -- and for a nation that by 1959 was being surpassed on almost every technical venture at that time by the Soviet Union, this was a cost that we simply could not afford to maintain. The question remained, though. How do you cut the costs of our basic, no-frills security presence at these commands?

The operating decision that the Department of Defense finally decided to implement was truly inspired by the stars in the sky. After all, what creature alarms the world faster and with more urgency than the wise old UFO-hunter with his binoculars and his fountain pens? What other temperate, well-heeled professional establishes early on, even before any security breach occurs, the lucid insistence that the lights in the sky slowly orbiting the highly secret and industrious and demanding representatives of nuclear acclimation in America need to be examined at least twice by great and heartfelt men? This, interestingly enough, is exactly what the great and heartfelt men talking busily within the Pentagon in Washington, DC have been insisting upon since their own wild and frenetic deeds were first absorbed and then dispersed by the nuclear kingdoms of Hiroshima and Nagasaki forever into the present future of mankind.

Security at Nuke commands is all
about the price-tag, baby

According to Stephen Hoffman, who refuses to go on the record as a spokesman for the Nuclear Regulatory Commission while nonetheless refusing to pull back from his clearly established point-of-view, "The United States gov'ment has been payin' off authors, movie makers, newspaper reporters and television producers for decades to push UFO claims, whether they was real or not, because it's damn good security that saves the Depa'tment of Defense billions of dollars.  There've been seven, maybe six, Area 51's over the years and ev'ry damn one of 'em had a nearly perm'nent UFO watch station set up to cover that whole sky with their video presence. Do you really think for even one short damn moment that the gov'ment couldn't easily shut them UFO boys down at any moment anytime they wanted to? You know why they leave those stations up?  'Cause they want 'em up!  American UFOlogy provides a pervasive security presence that the United States doesn't want to pay for! That's the big UFO message, here: 'Let someone else pay for it!'  And someone else does, an' it ain't the American taxpayer."

Nearly every major nuclear-based command in the nation is absolutely busy with UFO hunters, a number expected to increase significantly with the ultimate success of Robert Hastings' documentary establishing the link between UFOs and nuclear acclimation in America. They're quiet, because they don't want to be arrested, and they're thorough, because they all want to meet E.T., Starman, and the alien with the jellyfish eyes. Where Shore Police, Marines, or USAF Security Personnel stay alert waiting for an intruder to enter their secure zone, the UFO hunters are staying alert trying to spot the intruders before they even come near a secure zone. And as a result of their somewhat tumultuous reputation, nobody believes anything they say about issues adrift, allowing for a bi-directional secure environment, an aspect of the careful planning the Department of Defense has used to mold the perfect set of tools for the least amount of investment. Stephen Hoffman, as well as three additional, albeit less public, witnesses with the Nuclear Regulatory Commission, and well over a dozen witnesses at the Pentagon who tend to admire the years of imagination behind the whole operation agree that the actions taken have saved taxpayers a huge sum over the decades.  Some critics, however, complain that the government has purposely attempted to diminish by slander the previously admirable and highly professional reputations of UFOlogists worldwide in order to do so.

When it comes to UFOs, the Department of
Defense has been working the case for 60-years

Since 1945, according to both Stephen Hoffman and unclassified documents stored at the Library of Congress and many other libraries and unclassified document storage warehouses and depositories, the Department fo Defense, in the words of Stephen Hoffman, "has been workin' very hard to fix a very partic'lar reputation to a very partic'lar group of fruitcakes, and they've been so good goddamn successful at it, that nation'l security is now an assumed asset at all our military commands." And the cost?  A bunch of UFO hunters and researchers and hard core believers are reportedly unable to discuss their single-most abiding interest without someone else saying, "you're nuts, boy." Supposedly, the Department of Defense is to blame for the reputation wreckage their lives have become. When they talk about all the UFOs they've seen, nobody believes them, and yet, they appear to be providing a substantial measure of security for the very Department of Defense they blame for the mess they are now forced to own. It's a beautiful and perfect scheme: nobody with any actual government influence believes anything at all they decide to publish, but they're still out there, every day, looking through binoculars and recording everything they see, which is exactly what the Department of Defense used to do before they managed to goad the world of UFOlogy into doing it for them at zero cost.  In the words of Stephen Hoffman, "it's bloody brilliant, boy!"

  

So how much money did the nation save last year?  How much in the past five years? How much since Hiroshima and Nagasaki? According to "that pretty red-head" at the Library of Congress, they've easily saved billions in exchange for a comparative cost that's barely significant.  What precisely did the U.S. government have to do in order to arrange for the unknowing security presence that the UFO proponent communities have been providing for nearly 60-years? The cost must have been minimal, because all they were doing was creating belief and the need to respond to that belief. Convince one man, and for the rest of his life his mission is to prove that his belief has value. And in the long run, that's just public relations based on adequate CGI and the need to inspire. Beautiful, yeah?

Wonder of wonders, belief isn't even necessary to inspire belief; it has never been necessary. It's the inspiration that matters, because that's ultimately where belief comes from.  Even decades ago, the Department of Defense had a most definite end-game in mind, because the purpose had already been decided: save money, don't spend money. In any case, the cost has little to do with the end story, but it does vary in relation to the ultimate target of that inspiration. For some men, like Stephen Spielberg or David Bowie, it only takes a suggestion by the right person at the right time at a cost of precisely zero. Just the hint of a story and those with talent and grace and skills worthy of the market fly with it, right into the skies trailing just behind God and those lovely saucers.  For less imaginative men with fewer talents such as Robert Hastings or every draper's son who ever wrote another submersible assessment of Roswell, 1947, it takes what's hard and what's cold: shavings from the Department of Defense's black ops cash cow.

It doesn't take very much either.  Unclassified OPREPs that The Saucerologist tracked down, confirm that purchasing the cooperation of those on the take is hardly the costly investment their lack of character entitles them to, and replacements are easy enough to find should the price start to become unreasonable, as defined by Pentagon electro-magnates. The truth is, they can be purchased and are purchased for almost nothing in comparison to what's gained. These guys buy people all the time! And the cost? What cost? These men who allow themselves to be bought are the very cranks who represent and inspire silent protesters.  A very few may well use complex novels to do so, but the huge majority use simple, two-paragraph tales to protest the proliferation of the nuclear seed throughout Nuclear America. Many men will all too often do that for free! Some of them even believe they're doing something admirable, particularly those like Robert Hastings, Kevin Randle, or Robert Salas, all of whom are well aware that the story is just one more story, that the facts are invented, then packaged nicely, and then sold for a tidy profit. Like electric kool-aid acid heroes, they willingly exchange their dishonesty for the feverish self-congratulations that their ever-consciously quickening vale of anarchy and protest against the alleged madness of nuclear proliferation grants them the freedom to adopt. 

And as Americans, we just love that shit.

It's what happens when those least inclined to effectively change the world through protest unknowingly provide the necessarily secure environment that guarantees not only the existence, but the continued growth and development of the very thing they've already convinced themselves they are helping to rid the world of. What could possibly be more American than a self-consuming conspiracy of flying saucers amidst the curse of haunted Hiroshima?  Americans take a good look at the real story, and they just smile and smile, beggars in an audience of underfunded irony.

And the best part of this, we Americans tell ourselves, is the confidence we slip into at the end of the day when we realize the longevity of this tax-free haven of firm-land security. After all, it's not like they're going to just stop. In the lovely, stilted words of Stephen Hoffman, "That's the mind set, y'see. Dey'll just double down way 'fore they step off, 'cause dey believers. Hell, son, they gonna spend the nex' 60-years workin' overtime to prove dey right before dey walk out on it. Dat's why it's so brilliant!"  That's the pretty part. Show them exactly what's going on, prove it without any doubt, call down God from the mountaintop with the big voice of nuclear regulation, if you want to, and it won't change anything. Not even squat.

Dey'll just double down way 'fore they step off . . .

The true believer's need to convince non-believers that the power of his conviction will be heard and adopted by even the children of skeptics, "visiting the iniquity of the fathers on their children, on the third and the fourth generations of those" who heed not the lesson of the saucers, is the driving force behind American UFOlogy. The need is to prove that they are not complete fruitcakes, and it is this universal expectation that dictates their every act. More importantly, this is precisely the point-of-view planned, engineered, and managed by the Department of Defense since 1945, and its purpose is to inspire stubborn conviction that is inevitably targeted by the ridicule and laughter of the national audience. The immediate release of well-fostered story-time dreams like UFOs and Nukes: The Secret Link Revealed falls very nicely into place with the same perfunctory Kerr-PLOP! as every other UFO tool in the shed. 

It is the Department of Defense, more than any other single body, that makes it so easy for the world to dismiss the UFO argument as trivial.  But since it's also, according to a small handful of librarians, nuclear workers and nuclear regulators, the Department of Defense that created the UFO legend in the first place in order to obtain low-cost but dedicated policing of the skies above America's most sensitive acquisitions in the modern world, most of those in the know simply say, "it's all good." 

And everybody else smiles . . .

This is a Saucer Press International Publication 

The Precious Creed

When is a Universe Not a Universe?

When It's a Hoax . . .

SPI Atlanta, Georgia -- It occurred to one of our stringers that we've never published our principle creed here at The Saucerologist. It's been published on a couple of other websites, but never on our own.  We would like to remedy that oversight today with the following epistle to our faithless few:

Here at The Saucerologist, our philosophy is simple: we are convinced that Humanity is a hoax perpetrated by the Alien Grays of Zeta Reticuli. Their recently consummated alliance with Schrodinger's Cat throughout the known multiverse has made the eventual adoption of the Alien Gray's worldview a near certainty. When this occurs, the hoax will end, and the imaginary creatures currently populating this imaginary planet we call "Earth" will fade away into nothingness, as if they had never been. This will be an instantaneous and aggressive change resulting from the overwhelming reversal of the belief system our planet currently occupies. 

Ditto for the planet itself.  

Map revealing the source of our possible extinction
(Courtesy Saint Betty Hill of the Hills)

And you guys thought belief could never affect the balance of our reality structures. Well, this one was created when wet matter blew like a river into the Universe as the first known quasar erupted for absolutely no reason at all.

Damn right it sucks . . .

The Saucerologist has decided that enough is enough. We happen to enjoy our current existence, even if we are mere theories intended to support the imaginary renderings of an alien race. Their ultimate intent is to acquire great power and force its collective will to prevail across millions of universes, many of which are also populated with imaginary beings equally dissatisfied with their imaginary lot in life.

Being imaginary creatures invented primarily as a source of entertainment for alien hordes, we possess only one effective weapon that can be raised in defense of our existential happenstance. That weapon is our own imagination. We seek, therefore, to unburden our dark souls so that we may properly wield that great and often offensive weapon to achieve the only worthwhile solution we can see to our innate problem of ultimate extinction: our continued existence in this singular universe that we have affectionately called "The Universe", where we hope to survive in friendly commerce across the face of this great planet that we have affectionately called "Earth". To that end, therefore, we pledge ourselves, our lands, our properties, and our admittedly weak and poorly focused will to the attainment of our primary desire, this being the creation of an alternate worldview raised in turn by the imaginary inhabitants of our imaginary universe mustered by we imaginary few to replace the Alien Gray's worldview that is collectively threatening our very existence, imaginary though it may be.

So remember: if you stop by our little blog and truly believe what you read (or at least try to), you may yet extend your actuality, your essence, the physicality of your currently weightless and immeasurable soul for a short time (to be determined at some future date dependent upon whatever efforts you actually apply). For if you do not, the Gray Threat wins and our tenuous existence grows ever weaker.

Join us today at:

http://saucerologist.blogspot.com

Or you can just stay here, like I do. Not much difference . . .

For the sake of us all, please remember: only you (in concert with everybody else) can help us win this imaginary war against the ever elusive Gray Threat.

Your friend and neighbor,

Todd Rugger at The Saucerologist

This is a Saucer Press International Publication 

New Mummified Alien Discovered by Jaimie Maussan

Cinco de Mayo Will Never Be the Same

The Dogon Tribe Was Right!

Self-esteem is a fleeting pleasure

That normal men can scarce endure

For in that time by which we measure

What’s come is gone & can be no more

We at The Saucerologist thought it would be a happy reach out to our great friends to the south if we recognize one of the true legends of UFOlogy, Jaimie Maussan, during the blessed celebration of Cinco de Mayo. This is a day forever embedded in the history of Mexico, a date forever honoring that nation's defense of its desire to refrain from paying its rightful debts if the money can be better spent on something more immediately amusing. On Cinco de Mayo (May 5) in 1862, a somewhat surprising tradition involving tequila, fireworks, and flags was born when Mexico defeated the greedy French who had come to demand payment of debts owed. They promptly met the Mexican forces near Puebla, where the 6,000-man French army was roundly defeated by a Mexican army of only 2,000 souls, each of whom was forced to carry his own ruck sack of black velvet pillows! They were unprepared, and untrained, and they kicked some serious French CENSORED-DELETED! Oh, Yeah! And so it goes . . . 

Alien corpse raises Maussan's 
reputation once again - WOOF!

While France's defeat was far from being a major strategic victory for Mexico, within 150 years its anniversary would come to represent an unconditional morale booster that all Americans can enjoy without the guilty feelings that possess those who are forced to turn back hundreds of Mexican sightseers and vacationers at the U.S.-Mexican border, where sightseeing is only pleasurable for a few short minutes, and the vacation is quickly cancelled before anybody can even hit the beach.  The Saucerologist is convinced that this day of celebration should also be used to honor the many scientific and endlessly fascinating contributions to the world's store of knowledge that were originally proposed somewhere in the mind of star UFOlogist Jaimie Maussan, Mexico's favorite son under the sun.

It's pure coincidence that this holiday has also been selected by Jaimie Maussan to reveal another unprecedented find:  the body of an alien murdered thousands of years ago, possibly by another alien. "I was absolutely stunned," Maussan declared.  I've studied the Dogon tribe for decades, but it was primarily an intellectual exercise based in weird yet treasured translations. I never dreamed I would actually discover a mummified member of the race that taught the earliest Dogon everything it knows about astronomy, including elements that were impossible for the Dogon to learn on their own, such as the details of a two-sun system that can't be seen at all from Earth," he added. "They spoke to me, in the inner language of galactic love, and said to me, we love you! WOOF!" Apparently they howled, and it sounded just like Allen Ginsberg, except without all the pink amphetamines.  Sit, Fido.


Artist's impression of
the Dogon's alien master 

"According to the Dogon, these extraterrestrial teachers came from the Dog Star to offer them extensive training in the Humanities, which was pretty damn ironic, in my opinion. This is also where the Dogon derived its tribal name, which can be translated as 'Servants of the Dog Masters'." Maussan has, in fact, been able to scientifically conceive through the use of magical complacency, which is the best kind of complacency, most of those characteristics that are very likely typical of this alien race. "See the noble bearing inherent to its species? Observe...  It's immediately apparent that these creatures, these beings, from whatever star they call home, are also amazingly similar to the creature that today we call the chupacabra. The resemblance is so remarkable that it would not be surprising at all if the chupacabra was once an alien that had necessarily de-evolved on Earth because of the primitive yet functional environment, becoming almost animalistic in nature, thereby explaining its primitive defensive tactics in the face of an organized hunt that was frightened of witchcraft and the purple skies it faced so far from home -- and from homemakers who granted them civilization but stole their blood. The chupacabra was an honest killer. It took their blood but gave nothing in return, which is why that name is still remembered, while the Dogon have been forgotten by all but the dreamers and the artists who speak in whispers of saucers."

The Saucerologist applauds Jaimie Maussan, and admires his extraterrestrial find -- a find that can't be refuted at any level. "This extravagant body was seemingly created to refute skeptics and debunkers, because it's been so ideal as a reservoir of scientific truth. Examine its bearing and its poise -- the delicacy of its face, and the dark alabaster of its ears and hands. The sad skeptics can't possibly insist that this find also represents a mummified child", Maussan insists. "It looks nothing at all like a child! This alien creature is so obviously a creature born in the shadows of deep space, and as such it doesn't even suggest the literary brilliance of my earlier find, although I find that it's still well worth the standards of the $5,000.00 acclaim to those who can prove to my satisfaction the falseness of my satisfaction. Watch how nobly it stands, and how gracious it walks alone in the pretty twilight in mute testimony. I have no doubts at all that this wickedly spotless controversy -- like all of my spotless controversies -- will continue to exist in this sadly misunderstood world exactly, I say, exactly as long as the profits do,"

This is a Saucer Press International Publication 

Government Documents Expose Fraudulent Alien Abduction Claims

Public Hysteria to Justify Space-based Weaponry

Deception Linked to Reagan's Fear of Aliens!

SPI WASHINGTON DC -- Documents discovered folded within pages of text at the Library of Congress this past week make it clear that a growing number of alien abduction cases throughout the 1980s and much of the 1990s were actually the product of purposefully implanted, false memories. According to reports, the documents consist of Department of Defense memos, CIA op-reports, and a separate record of short communications between a number of Republican Congressmen, including one-time Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert. White House sources have suggested that the documents were planted at the Library of Congress by a whistle-blower of necessarily high rank and substantial authority, but refused to entertain any further assumptions as to identity.

Included with the find was a brief description of the documents that serves as a preface to the collection. It reveals that they were originally compiled and classified by a team of CIA scientists and deep cover agents originally formed during the Cold War. Its primary purpose at that time was to acquire and assess all intelligence regarding a cadre of potential Soviet agents believed to be undergoing training in psychic awareness and its application to urban warfare. While failing to reach any exploitable conclusions regarding the Soviet Union's experiments with psychic warfare, the CIA-sponsored team was nonetheless retained under black ops command.  In January 1981 the group was again reassigned under new orders, and instructed to "create such a climate of civil hysteria throughout America" that there would be little to no protest of American efforts to create and deploy a space-based weapons system.  Under the influence of such artificial hysteria, the American public would naturally conclude that an orbital platform deploying multiple types of weaponry was necessary to protect American interests in the event of an extraterrestrial incursion.

Space-based weaponry may have
been the CIA's ultimate goal.

If the newly discovered memos describing the deception are found to be genuine and not a hoax, they would prove that false memories have been purposely imprinted upon the consciousness of American citizens without their knowledge or consent.  While the documents don't present an actual accounting of the number of citizens this mind-control experiment may have included, they leave no doubt whatsoever that the number being discussed was well into the hundreds, and possibly thousands of men, women, and children.  It is considered a possibility that civil contract interests for the development and construction of the system alone would have provided a significant motive for continuing the deception, which appears to have been in operation for several years. For proof of this, Americans need only examine the continuing debates attempting to justify the Star Wars missile defense system first proposed during President Ronald Reagan's tenure in office. It has even been suggested that the space-based weaponry proposed as the motivation for the CIA's alien abduction conspiracy may have been closely linked to the Star Wars missile defense system -- in technology, if not in its proposed structure.

While it seems apparent that both the CIA's attempts to frighten America into arming itself against imaginary enemies and the Department of Defense's plans to fortify outer space with imaginary technology could be considered extravagant failures, the true extent of the collateral damage to the minds and the memories of possibly thousands of Americans may forever remain a mystery. What we can confirm as fact, however, is the tremendous number of alien abduction claims that literally exploded across the nation during this same period. The fact that a number of well-known researchers in the field of alien abduction, such as Budd Hopkins, John E. Mack, and Raymond E. Fowler have close associations with the CIA, the Department of Defense, and corporate interests closely aligned with efforts involved in the design and construction of space-based weaponry must also be taken into consideration if a thorough investigation is ever conducted. These associations can't possibly be denied, and they certainly seem from the outside to be more than worthy of public suspicion.

The associated costs involved in the construction of the weaponry under consideration would necessarily have been tremendous, had it ever been completed. The documents describe the system as "capable not only of defending the United States from a nuclear missile attack, but would also be capable of attacking America's enemies with an accuracy and destructive firepower that has never before been employed."  If the documents can be proven genuine, any associated investigation would require, at the very least, some level of cooperation between government researchers, military and contract attorneys, government and legal analysts and numerous representatives of corporate interests, which implies that a significant system of legal compromise be established in order to protect those sources who agree to come forward and not only assist investigative officers, but also ensure open and public efforts to reach an appropriate and legally binding conclusion.  Clearly, this would require a significant investigative effort and legal presence.

One of the earliest of the documents  reveals a secondary motivation for the plot, one far more probative in regard to Congressional interests. This memo suggests using the false extraterrestrial threat to justify the swelling of an already inflated Department of Defense budget to construct numerous Earth-based systems in addition to the space-based weaponry that was considered the primary interest of those allegedly instigating the plot. Some of the shorter, less formal, communiques between high-ranking Republican Congressmen clearly indicates a parallel conspiracy to "ride the coattails" of the CIA program in order to finance elaborate Department of Defense projects within the borders of States represented by the Congressmen involved in the discussions.

Was Reagan's fear of an
alien invasion just a scam?

At the time of the alleged conspiracy, the debate in Congress for a more robust Department of Defense budget had been ongoing for months, with numerous Democrats voting against each attempt on the grounds that such unprecedented defense spending was unnecessary and wasteful. Numerous political historians have noted that attempts to modernize the U.S. military faster than our technology could possibly support was recklessly pursued under the administration of President Ronald Reagan.  His Presidency was responsible as well for swelling the national deficit to well over a trillion dollars for the first time in U.S. history, with the firm intention of giving the world a view of modern American royalty. It's difficult as well to ignore the fact that President Reagan was the first President in history to suggest that UFOs might very well represent a grave threat to America's national interests and to suggest that American attitudes may need to be adjusted. While many Americans may scoff at such assessments, few have ever tried to explain in reasonable terms the seemingly out of place obsession that the Reagan Administration had for the possibility of an alien invasion of Earth. A CIA plot to manufacture such hysteria and thereby influence the Department of Defense would go far to explain a large number of such otherwise mysterious issues typical of the Reagan and Bush Administrations. The fact that the President is both Commander-in-Chief and prime Executive for the CIA should not be understated or ignored.   

Two separate, yet corroborative sources at the CIA have already come forward to confirm claims made in one of the documents discovered at the Library of Congress. They claim that false UFO reports establishing alien interference with nuclear weapons and advanced weaponry systems maintained at U.S. military commands, arms development labs, and nuclear testing areas were generated and released to members of the press, a number of civilian UFO reporting organizations and numerous magazines in order to further stoke the flames of civil hysteria.  According to one of the agents, who insists upon anonymity in the belief that his life has been endangered by his willingness to testify about these matters, there has been systematic collusion between the Pentagon and numerous authors who have attempted to establish their own singular roles as witnesses to such incidents.

One of the pages discovered this week also seems to suggest that there was some recognition of cooperation taking place between American political and military interests and a number of authors and other alleged "witnesses" of UFO phenomena who were and are prepared to profit from the deception.  It has all the earmarks of a record of payments beginning in 1982 and extending through 2009.  The payments were apparently released on a monthly basis from one or more of the CIA's black ops accounts, and were of varying amounts between $607.00 and $3021.00.  "Collusion is such an ugly word," one of agents stated, "but what else can you call it? There was a financial stake that was recognized and well understood, and there were some men who continued to be paid off for years."

Attempts are currently being made to establish the identities of the names associated with this list. Employees at the Library of Congress, as well as those familiar with the documents have already begun referring to it as the "accounts page." One of the sources within the Library of Congress who has examined the documents in some detail claims that the list he saw had no names associated with the entries, but was merely a record of payments to individuals or organizations identified by two, three or four initials only. He claims that there were a total of 62 separate accounts on both sides of the page. Accompanying text that was associated with these records, however, very clearly establishes both the content of the claims that were being released, and their fraudulent character.  It has been suggested that an ideal reservoir of individuals willing to make false claims that American intelligence, military, and political interests could easily exploit for the reasons hypothesized above exists in the rosters of the well-known UFO Disclosure Project.  The members are primarily ex-military who have proven themselves willing to establish the veracity of numerous UFO claims that are, according to other witnesses of the same incidents, completely false.

Author and physicist, Dr. Stephen Hawking, has been particularly critical of the Disclosure Project. "It's absolutely remarkable that the influence these individuals hold within the UFO proponent communities is so undeniably evident, given their background. The number of allegedly competent witnesses associated with the Disclosure Project who also have connections with military intelligence is somewhat troubling, especially when those individuals have tried to deny such associations, only to withdraw those denials when confronted with proof from their own service records.  Frankly, it's as sad a defense of compromised ethics as it's possible to witness in Washington, DC, these days, particularly when any honest examination of the Disclosure Project's roster makes this blatantly self-serving behavior so obvious." For the most part, Dr. Hawking has found the speculation in regard to these matters amusing. After all, for all the efforts put forth by such powerful men, the hysteria they tried to foment simply didn't occur. For the most part, Americans found the discussion amusing. 

On the other hand, Dr. Hawking makes a very good point. "The associations these men had already established with both military intelligence and the Pentagon do exist and any attempt to deny that fact is both evasive and dishonest. UFO proponents, however, tend to trust their claims without even a sidelong glance of doubt, a remarkable faith in their alleged value, given these witnesses' many years of distinguished service and self-assured loyalty to the very same organizations that UFO proponents strongly insist are the authors of the disinformation and the wide-ranging cover-ups that prevent the truth from ever being discovered.  The tragedy behind such misplaced trust is all too often discovered only at the expense of their own reputations for an even-handed approach to the issues amidst the hard to deny accusations of blind stupidity and irresponsible contempt for the truth."

The desire to protect such obvious sources of financial support in exchange for escalating the level of hysteria and the fear of a possible alien invasion is typical of the Disclosure Project. It isn't however, the only way to effect a cover-up of outrageous behavior and criminal conduct such as implanting false yet frightening and paranoid memories of being abducted by powerful, nightmarish aliens. For instance, there have already been attempts by both CIA and Department of Defense sources to suggest that implanting false memories is simply not possible. Anybody familiar with the CIA's past work in this field, however, is well aware that this is just another obvious attempt to shut down further speculation.  While it's true that implanting false memories of alien abduction is exceedingly difficult, it is not at all impossible.  And if the individual selected for such memory imprinting is already equipped with a rich fantasy life that includes aliens, space travel, and UFOs, the difficulties tend to vanish almost immediately. 

Hollywood has done a fine job equipping modern Americans with all of the accouterments most necessary for the implanting of false alien abduction memories. In fact, it's almost a reasonable assumption to conclude that Hollywood engineers may well have had a hand in this particular CIA mission. The similarities of many abduction scenarios throughout this time frame tend to suggest a necessary alliance between the CIA and certain Hollywood dream-makers.  It isn't a far step at all to conclude that some sort of "you scratch my back and I'll scratch your back" mentality may have existed at one time.  Indeed, such an alliance may very well still exist.  When it comes to mind control, Hollywood is certainly not a community of amateurs.

Was an outrageous abuse of power undertaken
merely to manipulate public opinion?

As for the space-based weapons representing the motivation for such tactics, there seems to be a shortage of historical references to their design, construction, and eventual deployment. These new documents, if not part of some well-planned hoax, represent the first and only evidence that the tactical need for such weaponry had once been debated amongst Pentagon and government strategists well before the knowledge and the technology to deploy such a system could make the dream even remotely viable. And yet, the Library of Congress documents posit the claim that one of the most horrific, criminal and outrageous abuses of power imaginable, the forcible assault on the minds and memories of American citizens was motivated by the desire to merely establish a more willing national attitude and empower the development of such a tactical system. On the other hand, it certainly wouldn't be the first time that the CIA has relied on strategies so egregiously irresponsible, immoral and illegal to meet goals that would have been equally as possible to achieve had they summoned up the courage to do nothing at all.    

The Library of Congress find has, however, detailed a far more believable strategy designed to run parallel with the CIA's tactic of implanting false memories. Elements of this separate mission included the falsification of numerous UFO-related records and reports to suggest that extraterrestrials are indeed hostile to the governments, military, and people of Earth. As with the falsification of memories, the falsification of UFO records and reports was also intended to gain national support for a space-based weapons system. 

Preset targeting for the space-based weapons system discussed in the documents allegedly included Moscow, Leningrad, Beijing, Baghdad, Paris, London, Berlin, and numerous targets in South America.  Sources throughout Europe and Asia have reported that America's NATO allies are outraged.  As of press time, however, no official communiques verifying the reaction of America's NATO allies have surfaced.  One examiner of the documents noted that targeting data had been discussed in three of the memos, and that a number of cities in the United States were also included on that list. While insisting that his anonymity be preserved, this particular source made very clear his unwillingness to trust anybody. "I took a look at the targeting data that was being discussed and it had to have been something else entirely that they were working over. The lat and longs were all off for the cities they were supposed to apply to, and the very few that I was able to memorize and then examine a little closer once I got home put them in other places entirely -- some are located in tiny island groups, while others are on mobile ice flows, not even on land. Something about it was weird, and I don't even want to be associated with this stuff anymore. It's creepy. Maybe they were code names, I don't know, but the lat and long that was supposed to be for Dallas/Fort Worth was actually in Antarctica if you tried to plot it on an actual map.  Hell, they have Omaha placed in a small island in the Indian Ocean! Don't call me anymore. This crap is too weird, and I'm not going to be in it anymore. I don't know squat, you got it?"

Secretary of State John Kerry this morning released a statement to press sources insisting that nobody in the current administration has any knowledge at all related to these matters, but insists that these issues will be addressed publicly and in sufficient detail to satisfy all member states of NATO as well as America's other allies.  "We urge everybody to maintain a sense of calm.  The documents that have been discovered are historical items that have little to do with the world's current conditions and political climate.  We really don't know the full extent to what we have here.  For all we know, it could be a very meaningless hoax. It certainly wouldn't be the first hoax that an interest in UFOs has inspired, nor would it be the first or even the tenth hoax involving UFO interference with America's nuclear deterrent forces. I'd like to assure every citizen of this great country that there has been no interference by anybody, foreign or domestic or extraterrestrial, with the nuclear arms and capability of the United States.  Our nuclear arms are in the hands of the very best trained and most knowledgeable nuclear custodians in the entire world.  

"In regard to the ... the absolutely tremendous number of Americans who have allegedly had their personal memories and their thoughts ... violated in this way, you have my word and the word of the President of the United States that this matter will be investigated. If recompense is necessary, it will be made.  And I'll say this much as well, if we find that such offenses took place and that they meet the requirements necessitating criminal charges, you can bet those charges will be forthcoming.  For the moment, we urge you to have some patience as we investigate this matter.  Like I said earlier, it may be a hoax.  We won't know until we look into it further."

Those portions of the newly discovered documents representing the tactics adopted by the Republican presence in Congress during this period, were essentially confirmed today by an anonymous source who was a Congressional aide throughout the 1980s. He came forward of his own volition to discuss these matters in a historical context. He insists that "hysteria can't be manufactured." It's hard not to agree, particularly after the strategy just kind of fizzled. "More than a few members of Congress were nonetheless continuing to conspire with contacts at the Department of Defense and the CIA to ensure that they too were going to get a piece of the pie. It never occurred to anybody that the American public, upon being exposed to these hundreds, possibly thousands of alien abduction claims, simply wouldn't give a damn."

Dennis Hastert, one time Speaker of the House currently engaged as a captive audience within the Department of Justice, was equally critical. "I'll be frank, I didn't know whether to be proud that the American public wasn't about to be cowed by the threat of an alien invasion, or just sick to my stomach that the American public was apparently willing to ignore the alien abduction of hundreds, possibly thousands of American citizens simply because they thought the claims were only moderately entertaining. Eventually I determined, like most Americans, I imagine, that the whole issue was kind of stupid. Those men and women who were recipients of false memory implants have either written books about it, are on the lecture circuit, or they've been on Oprah or some such thing. Nothing ever came of the space-based weapons system, which was basically a pipe dream, and the CIA is pretty much a laughing stock these days. So where's the damage?

"Still," Hastert added, "those CIA half-bear-man-pigs violated a huge number of Americans, leaving them with a lot of unwelcome memories, and sentenced a number of them to a future filled with an ultimately shameful lifestyle of paranoia and despair.

"Of course, they didn't do it all half as effectively as I did, but still . . ."

This is a Saucer Press International Publication 

For Earth Day 2016, The Saucerologist Gets Environmental

The Alien Grays Get Environmental

And We All Evolve Just a Little Bit to the Left

SPI ATLANTA -- April 22 is seeking an Earth Day foot-hold in the American consciousness, right up there, all fat and happy with O. J. Simpson, pudding pops, and a fruitless cocktail of savage breakfast cereals from the dreaded granola mines of East Muesli, Indiana.  Once again, it creeps upon us, one week following the contented sorrow of tax deadlines and the failed compromise of politicians trying to justify the existence of poor and abused voting blocs populated, for the most part, by a bunch of sullen-eyed crap-dozer drivers who just want to get home before the sun drips under the eaves southward from the old lady's warped wooden porch.

Earth Day plants in the rocky soil of our souls all the sad regrets of a future full of men who neglected to recycle amid the remorseless stupidity of those who still insist that global warming is merely the cyclic whitewash of our planet's still youthful vigor.  It's necessary every fifty-thousand years or so to cleanse the world of its weather-driven, useless species like the polar bears and penguins of today and the woolly mammoths and giant sloths of yesterday, but otherwise we can safely ignore those God-ridden cycles, drawing comfort from the glaring acts of our consciously insistent, Christian population whose mission it is to prepare the vast, desert wastelands of desperate nations to ensure that there's plenty of empty acreage in which to cram all of those white, carefree, middle-aged men and women who intend to wait out the apocalypse in air-conditioned holes with refrigerated Dasani and seafood miracle-gro tubes packed with paste while the rest of the world tears itself apart, basking under Sharia legal voodoo and a sky full of ugly little star children looking down on us and blinking every few minutes, stunned and glassy-eyed reptiles with nothing better to do with all of that time to play with, while back on Planet Earth, the wrinkled and desolate moralists are trying to create the new mathematics, because the old one doesn't help much when the angry Republic can't figure out what the Hell we're supposed to do with all the refugees from the southern hemisphere banging their little tin drums and trying real hard to forget that they own nothing and have nothing to go back to. 

Oh, yeah -- believe it!  And when there's only 999,000 sterile white people left on this rocky, freaked-out, sullen planet, it's time to pop out of the holes in the desert and greet the world with a smile!  It's another Manson Family vacation -- another Saint Valentine's Day Ragtime Massacre, and we're all gonna live forever.  Hallelujah! Somebody please shoot my ass full of penicillin and poppies and we'll all go home together, looking at the sky and praying for the kind of rain that forgot how to wash away the topsoil and the killing fields of torture town.

Calayo Alzochelix, a very well respected member of the Alien Gray community in Atlanta, Georgia, recently discussed the relationship between humans and our environment with one of the stringers The Saucerologist employs in Atlanta.  He told us that Alien Grays often find it hard to understand the human enthusiasm for celebrating the conservation of our planet's resources and our wide-ranging and fervent desire to preserve those resources in their pristine, environment-driven state, even those that may seems less desirable than others. Sure, there are the rain-forests to look after, but there's also Death Valley, the Black Hills, Three-mile Island, and places like the Savannah nuclear site bird sanctuary and most of the coal counties in the east, including those areas that we have already ripped away from the surface of our planet and shredded.  He found it confusing that all such regions seem to have equal value in the eyes of both environmentalists and the green reformers.  It's this oddly remote yet somewhat balanced clemency that the Alien Grays find difficult to reconcile in light of humanity's perpetual efforts to overcome the environments we encounter, and then redesign them to fit our selfish conceptions of what an environment should actually consist of.

You can hardly blame them.  The thing about the Alien Grays that makes them question every slight manipulation of whatever environment happens to be the topic of discussion is the cultural importance they ascribe to the evolutionary impulse throughout the galaxy -- throughout every galaxy. Evolution, among some of the younger Grays, has taken on an almost spiritual nature, similar in effect to that of the Holy Spirit as described in the writings of early Christians, particularly the Gnostics.  It's this compelling and fervent application of what can only be defined as the "will behind evolution" that many older Grays find disturbing and more than a little troublesome.  Their reasoning, in this regard, has become a fascinating topic of discussion during the early morning board meetings at The Saucerologist -- so interesting, in fact, that we've decided to bring the public into the arena with us. 

For the most part, many of the more disturbing aspects of the conversation you are being asked to attend have come to us directly from Calayo Alzochelix, of Atlanta's Alien Gray community.  His take on the discussion seems to reflect an almost religious connotation or nuance to the issue as defined by the Grays.  On the other hand, Calayo was very adamant that the Grays are not religious in any way whatsoever, and have never catered to a belief in a Deity in any form, although they do recognize that temporal power in the hands of a single being might give one an impression of Deity if such power is vested in a single identity and is sufficiently strong enough as to give an impression of "magical ascent".  It seemed to many of us who were present that he was at least a little bit insulted by the intimation of any sort of religious impulse originating with his species. Given the anti-religious abominations associated with the teaching of evolution amongst purely human groups, The Saucerologist intends to step back, blameless as always, from any fervor we may be instigating.  We're just having a discussion, folks, and any insult that you or the members of any other species might be focusing in on is purely the fault of the Alien Grays, because they're the ones who took the time to explain it all to us over the course of the past few days during typically early morning religious ceremonies and blessings involving coffee and donuts and at least one bowl of leftover crawfish etouffee.

Some of the Grays that we contacted when our concern for getting the facts right forced us to act with some sense of responsibility were absolutely insistent that they not be recognized in print, and we were more than willing to grant that request just as we do when our human sources request similar treatment.  From our experience, this is a notably unusual reaction from the Grays, who in general tend to leave one with the impression that they have no concern for such defining human attributes as shame or embarrassment, and therefore are not normally so insistent that individual identities be protected from association with the topic of discussion.  However, we have no intention of refusing such a request, and for that reason, the following conversation can only be interpreted within the form of a narrative, and not an interview, as we normally prefer. So, we respectfully request your forbearance as we resume our Earth Day discussion that has now drifted into the decidedly non-religious field of ever-evolving ectomorphs chatting about biology and change while snacking on Skittles.

Evolution, according to the Grays, is extremely aggressive in character, a violent tactic intended to recreate and mold life arising, thereby forcing the environment to mutate in turn. According to the Grays, the environment doesn't force biology to evolve and change by reaction -- it's the rising tide of life that mutates the world, the environment. Its purpose is to create an arena with a purely contextual system of restraint that deprives whatever dominant species may evolve of its ability to choose.  Its intent is to destroy free will by limiting as much as possible the choices that can be made by any species regardless of intelligence or its alleged mastery over its own environment.

For Earth Day, 2016

This isn't just some weird biosphere grandstanding we're talking about either. According to the Grays, there is a system in place that has a very specific outcome in mind, an apparently unlikely condition that absolutely must occur for the universe to even exist.  That condition, as we understand it, can only be brought to fruition through time and space in one very specific way: the countless googols of lifeforms throughout the universe have to make choices and act upon those choices in a very specific manner.  Keep in mind that all these lifeforms have their own minds, and their own likes and dislikes, their own motivations to behave or to react to the behavior of others, and most of the time, they don't even know about the existence of all these other species that are out there populating and trying to spread their will and their seed throughout literally millions of galaxies.  The only effective way to force all these lifeforms to act in such a specific manner is to remove both their will and their ability to make other choices. And that's where evolution comes in.

These trillions of trillions of lifeforms are, for the most part, unaware of each other, and couldn't possibly communicate with each other even if there was such an awareness, so any attempt to convince them to act in the manner you want is out of the question.  And that means you have to develop a system that forces life to follow these necessary and specific instructions by instinct.  If you can do that, then you can mold, configure, and shape the entire universe in whatever way you want.  According to the Grays, that's all evolution really does.  It keeps all the life in the universe in line by ultimately forcing life to act selfishly on one side of the coin, and taking away life's will to act on the other side of the con. Evolution's primary goal is to destroy free will in order to advance perfection.

And folks say evolution theory isn't fun.  Go figure.

Some of the older Grays insist that evolutionary will and ultimate purpose can be proven mathematically, but when they start talking about it and describing the process, it becomes obvious before too long that those who could actually follow the logic (or lack thereof) were forced to define a whole new system of mathematics just to express the idea of such an evolutionary construct.  Fairly early in this discussion it was made apparent that none of the humans who were physically present could make much sense out of it.  Part of it rests on the assumption that our basic understanding of physics is completely wrong -- kind of -- at least part of the time.  For instance, the speed of light isn't constant.  According to the Grays, the speed of light becomes extremely malleable under extreme conditions. And that leads us to one simple fact inherent to alien science that is difficult for most humans to accept on faith alone:  everything changes when your environmental conditions are pushed far enough to the extremes.

This is the way Calayo tried to explain it, and I say "tried" because he's fairly young when it comes to the Grays, and admitted outright that he lacked the ability to understand a lot of the mathematics without the focus of will that can only be attended through biological time and age, or so he says.  Is it possible to learn something when you know next to nothing about your teacher such as where his knowledge comes from?  And what happens when your teacher tells you in plain and simple language that he doesn't possess any real understanding of the topic?  The only clear truth we can use to judge either the value or the veracity of the lesson is that we know very little about the Alien Grays in the grand scheme of things.  We don't even know how old they can get, let alone how to tell a youngster from the venerable.  Both young and old Grays get wrinkles, and they don't have a whole lot of hair to use baldness or the extent of white streaks amongst the gray as a guideline.  How do they age?  Does their appearance change?  Do they mutate with age?  Do they develop vestigial limbs?  How do we judge the truthfulness behind the claims or the wisdom they're setting out for us?  Some of us suspect that even if we knew the answers to those questions, it might not matter.  What happens if the Grays are just as ignorant as we are? One of The Saucerologist stringers that we retain in Atlanta insists that he heard first-hand from one of the Grays -- name respectfully anonymous -- that "few of us can even remember what we looked like before we left home for the rest of the galaxy. As for those who insist they can remember exactly what we looked like, and exactly what we enjoyed doing and exactly what home was really like, well  -- I think they're making it all up as they go along."

They don't exactly inspire confidence, do they?  Unfortunately, what we don't know about the Grays represents a giant hole in our knowledge base, so naturally our response is to take the easy road out of the spider pit that hole represents and leave all of the understanding and the prospecting and such to our audience.  Give us a yell if there's something you don't understand -- or just call one of the Grays; that's how we do it when there are too many weird questions like that to make it into and then out of the next paragraph.

So pay attention.  What follows is what we've been told, more or less, and we don't really understand it as much as we'd like to.  So, The Saucerologist invites you, our audience, to figure it all out for yourself.  You can dance with it all as a mere hypothetical, if you like, or you can make it a game or you can just ignore it completely.  Whatever your response, it's not going to change the fact that April 22 is Earth Day, and you should probably  be praying to whatever divine reflection of universal will you're willing to recognize that we'll be celebrating it all fat and happy a thousand years from now, because planets are nowhere near as permanent as we'd like them to be, and a lot of what been told is downright frightening.

Calayo says that in theory there are no limits.  But outer space is not "in theory", so if you want to produce abnormal readings, or you want to examine something that isn't supposed to happen in accordance with our view of modern physics, then you need to do it in an abnormal environment.  This sort of environmental phenomena is impossible to examine elsewhere.  Okay, that's the simple part; the hard part is less endearing, because it's contrary to everything we've ever been taught.  We tend to look at the speed of light as a constant, because we can't imagine an environment in which the speed of light changes. But if you shove a black hole into the center of a dozen stars and you do it at speeds approaching that supposedly constant speed of light, you'll be creating an extreme environment, and if you've got the wherewithal to examine what's going on at the same level complex elements are at when they start changing into something more or less invigorating, then you can change the universe.  The only headache, of course, is trying to do it all at the same time. We should probably mention that the above isn't necessarily a recipe for changing the speed of light; none of the Grays were prepared to go that far, but they did want to ensure that we understood what was meant when they started talking about an "extreme" environment.  It's what happens just a nanosecond after you do something that's impossible just before you freeze-frame the universe in some unnatural pursuit of God.  Got it?  Wonderful...

The speed of anything always hinges on its environment; we just don't examine the universe so closely that we'll see this type of change occur -- at least not often.  Take the speed of sound, for instance.  Our test pilots throughout the 1950s and 1960s were looking at the speed of sound as a constant speed, a barrier to break through that would eventually explode us all into the Big Time.  But if we were trying to break that barrier underwater, we'd have to be going a whole heck-of-a-lot faster, because the speed of sound underwater is a lot higher.  Due to the pressure and the temperature gradients and the density of water, the deeper you go, the higher the speed of sound gets.  And you'd have to be going even faster than that if you could find a way to travel through a good-sized planet at the speed of sound, because the more dense the environment is, the higher the speed of sound is going to be. Try and imagine how destructive the sonic boom that occurs would be when you break the sound barrier underwater.  Now think about how much of the planet you might just tear apart if you broke the sound barrier in the molten center of our own happy little blue planet.  When Earth Day rolls past us on April 23, you should give a little thanks to the cosmos that we still have a home, because if you give anything enough thought, you'll soon discover how easy it would be for a single thought to take everything down forever.  Everything changes -- even alleged constants like the speed of light.  By far, the easiest way to make everything change immediately is to change your environment.  But if you change your environment without knowing exactly what's going to follow, then you're playing with a new kind of damage control that's liable to rip a good-sized planet into a billion shards of irresponsible crap.

And just to keep it interesting when you start dancing with another sad incarnation of Kali, you should keep this little reminder in the back of your head with the timing and the music and the heavy history and all:  Earth is NOT a good-sized planet.  Our planet is tiny, and it's the only one we've got.  You should keep that thought within easy reach when you start lobbying for environmental change.  And never, ever forget:  when the environment undergoes extreme change ... Hell, son, everything else goes extreme as well.

By now, you're probably wondering what all of this has to do with evolution. Good question. In the litany of the Grays, evolution is aggressive and it's driven by will.  That means it has a purpose, and without us stepping into scattered explanations amongst all of the little details and mismatched furniture that make it look all pretty without necessarily making it easier to understand, we want to affirm that evolution's alleged purpose is to limit the damage throughout the universe that occurs as a result of free will in order to advance the crucial cause of perfection.  Got it?

Any given environment on every planet in every galaxy in the universe isn't much more than planetary happenstance encountering and battling each other for dominance. There is no such thing as survival of the fittest in regard to any single species.  It's a myth -- or, rather, it's a simplified thought-tool or mind-construct that allows us to look at environmental conditions from an entire species' point of view.  At the species level, however, there's not a whole lot going on to hold your attention.  It's just animals rising and falling, rising and falling.  They evolve, they compete, they go extinct.  It's common and it's necessary. What's actually going on is far more interesting, however, when it's examined from a planetary perspective, which is how the Grays tend to look at everything.  What they're looking at is far more interesting if you really want to understand what's going on in the world -- on every world.

You see, the planet is growing and developing and learning, because it only gets one shot at the Big Time, one opportunity to foster a child, and give it a chance to shine amongst all the other worlds. It's a single environment, a new element that rises from the planetary zeitgeist, one that determines its own extent and its own flexibility by establishing a penultimate state of cultural superiority as reflected within the instantaneous eruption of intelligence and communication that always occurs when it's getting ready to jump planet to spread its life around a little. That burst of intelligence and communication only occurs when a single species has been successfully created by environmental competition, and unconsciously molded into the very definition of its environment. Science and the benefits of science do not advance on a planet that has yet to determine its own superiority as an expression of its environment.  Only when the fruits of global competition between environments has been achieved, will science find its voice, because science requires the rigors of leisure for that voice to develop. That leisure does not occur if there are still competing interests between species for future survival. It can't. But once the field of competition has been cleared, the birth of science provides a backdrop to the finalization of competing interests.  One species can now provide for its environment, and the fastest and most dramatic way for this to occur is through the sad little miracles of scientific accomplishment.  And that not only produces the long-awaited recognition of intelligence as an important factor of future survival, it allows for the far more important factor of communication to enable its near-immediate dissemination to the entire planet.

Calayo was very clear in regard to the whole evolution process. He insisted from the very beginning that evolution works for the environment, not the species, and his support of the proposition forced us to recognize some basic concepts that gave our recognition of Earth Day 2016 a somewhat disturbing nuance of silent yet overbearing implications. The primary bit of banter, of course, was the obvious one:  our success as a species is entirely dependent on our environment, and the extent to which we can ensure that our prime environment can forcibly replace another. That's the goal as we understood it. Species, including humanity, are being pitted against each to enable the survival of the fittest homeland. The competition between environments is a pretty clear implication that diversity of species on a planet could very well result in the eventual mismanagement of natural resources.  The more species, the longer the competition goes on, and the more resources are squandered in what are essentially meaningless applications of force and the accompanying will to dominate.  Eventually, when your environment suffers a slow death, all supported species will no longer have a purpose.  We'll have destroyed the only means to a purpose that exists.  We imagine it would focus the mind pretty impressively when you finally realize that you've trashed evolution's only purpose.

Calayo says "relax; we're talking about a few million years, and you humans have yet to prove yourselves worthy of the environment you're slowly throwing away.  Evolution decides nothing -- it works without direction, because it leaves dominant species without decent choices. You can't make bad choices, because if you look at things that way, there aren't any good choices.  You might go extinct, or you might destroy your environment, forcing the Earth to develop a new role for life all over again -- and it's already done that more than a few times. Evolution just forces things to happen by making all of your choices completely worthless, except for one. And you don't get to learn whether or not you're doing the right thing, because your planet and your environment don't give a damn about you.  Planets recycle -- species just die.  You make the right choices, and for the most part they're pretty obvious, or you get to take the express elevator to extinction. That's all there is. It doesn't get better and it isn't fun."  

So we understand that -- or we say we do. Evolution isn't creating a superior species -- we get that. It's creating a superior environment intended to house a superior species -- one with some very specific characteristics, according to Calayo.  If humans are going to make it to the Big Time, this is the shopping list we need to handle and take care of first:

(1)  The superior species is dangerous. It's very dangerous, because it has to be.  In a perfect world -- perfect for the environment -- it's supposed to shred nearly every other species on the planet, and it will do so, because it's necessary, and because it wants to survive, and because it wants to live forever. Life has no other purpose as far as the environment is concerned.  It's available to be used, and when it can't be used, it's there to be consumed.

(2)  It reproduces quickly, and has little self-control; a superior environment requires over-population, because over-population forces any out-of-control species to either destroy itself, or get off the planet so the environment can spread. It's a form of manipulation that eventually allows only one response: leave the planet or die. When those are the only choices available, free will becomes irrelevant.

(3)  Over-population also forces the species to learn how to replicate its environment elsewhere.  The ultimate aim is environmental reproduction at the expense of other environments.  If it's too cold, make it warmer. Not enough water? Build dams and reservoirs. Not enough room? Build hotels -- underground, underwater, on the moon, in the desert -- anywhere. You replicate the environment. That's always been the primary goal of both the environment and evolution.  You'll die without water?  Learn to make it. You're going to freeze to death?  Set the world on fire. That's life, and that's what evolution forces you to do.  And if you don't do it, you'll die.  That's how evolution destroys free will. It leaves you with only one choice, so you'll have to take it or you'll have to die. And evolution doesn't have to write all the rules in a Bible to get you to do what it wants you to do. It just makes all of the other options much less desirable. You should turn left here. If you don't, you'll die. Now turn right. If you don't, you'll die. Now jump off of this planet and make another one more suitable so your environment can go on vacation. Oh, you don't want to go on vacation with your environment? Then I guess you're gonna die!   

(4)  Your species will eventually have to be satisfied that the number of other species in the world is going to drop significantly so it only includes your pets and your food. Anything else is going to take up way too much space, and since the superior species doesn't do anything like move to another planet unless it absolutely has to, the superior species is going to need to get rid of everything else that takes up space or consumes the resources it's going to need to survive.  And that means everything gets eaten or used.      

  

In the long run, only one of three options can possibly occur -- and all three are the result of terrible desperation:  

(1)  The will to dominate is lost, leaving the species adrift as it attempts to slow its own frenetic failure to ascend, and as a result falters and fades into the distracted darkness of barbarism. Basically, you've quit the contest because you no longer have the will to carry on.  According to the Grays, this is what happens when there are two or three different species competing for only one or two environments. Your environment isn't competitive on a planetary level until it's working with a single dominant species.  Until you've got that, the environment isn't simple enough to control the whole planet. Cooperation between species will always weaken the environment, and a weak environment gets replaced.

(2) The species' failures overcome its will and it comes to a complete and shuddering halt as the species destroys itself.  This is what happens when a superior species attempts to control its environment when it lacks the will to control itself.  According to Calayo, most intelligent species who haven't already reached the conclusion that all gambling is basically an environmental con game that's been generated to keep the weakest members of the species away from any decision-making that's going on are betting that this is the eventual fate of humanity.  Frankly, The Saucerologist is pretty impressed with the odds that are currently being offered, but life span being what it is for humans, we doubt that we'll be around to collect.  And Calayo said that all of the best casino worlds refuse to even entertain the thought of gene-based ownership of legal intent, so it's impossible to make a bet your distant descendants can collect on. Not that it matters much. Most of those on the controlling board of The Saucerologist don't have the stomach for raising a brood in the first place. It's apparently one of the drawbacks to massive consumption of heavy duty narcotics. That's not fair -- call it "experimentation" with heavy duty narcotics.  Oh, and Roxie? If I see anything at all about "consumption", you'll have to defend your value to this organization. No, seriously, Rox, so quit laughing. And get me another bowl of those reds.

(3)  The only valid outcome is the third choice, although most people consider it the worst. Unfortunately, it's the only option that prevents complete extinction.  The superior species, having created a planet with only one prime environmental class, attempts to murder itself in a misguided attempt to cut the over-population in half.  It escalates and threatens to destroy everything, until a relatively small fraction of those left alive locks-up the home field advantage and leaves, thereby assuring the survival of the environment on another world with a hopefully less competitive nature, thereby ensuring its dedication to survival among the cosmos.  That's what's meant when you start talking about evolution forcing the issue in order to prevent free will. Evolution's a real bitch.   

It's also an ideal tool for interacting with, surviving, and eventually overcoming the unknown. That's why life is so damn prolific and expansive throughout the universe.  It's nowhere near as rare as folks seem to think, and at times, it can seem downright common.  If you want proof, just try separating the wheat from the chaff the next time the Republicans field seventeen candidates for President.

We humans harbor a general desire for the preservation of ALL environments encompassed by the biological aggression of Earth's ever-evolving life forms in light of the very well-documented human reluctance to develop and impose upon itself some orderly form of life-management intended to ensure the very preservation of those same conditions in nature that most people support whole-heartedly.  Most folks don't like the idea of forcing another species to go extinct just to protect your comfort zone.  We actually got rid of smallpox once, but somebody thought, now why'd we do that? Smallpox has the right to live ... doesn't it?  Nobody likes extinction, and apparently they don't even like it when it's going to keep another species alive.  Look at the dream factories we've been providing for. Go to Hollywood and they're still making movies that feature the Dodo, extinct since the 18th century!  God forbid we should ignore the Jurassic Park series!  Now everybody wants a pet killing machine. And it's all endemic to our species! Humans don't want to compete with other species, and we want to preserve every natural environment we could ever imagine, and by doing so, according to the Grays, we're steadily organizing and guaranteeing our own extinction!  Have you ever been to a PETA meeting before?  That's what happens when you prefer the company of Old Yeller to anybody in the world you might meet at a gas station that sells those pre-packaged smoked turkey with cheese sandwiches, and those guys never even heard of mayonnaise! That's right -- some folks, a lot of folks, prefer rabies to a box of Milk Duds and a cold Coke! And the Grays just don't get it.  

"It's almost as if you humans expect these nearly universal desires, opinions, whatever you want to call it to conduct their own well-harbored, systematic defenses automatically, without any need for supporting conditions and characters, simply because it's an outcome that most people wish for. You think it's natural for all species and environments to embrace immortality! That's why you weep when Old Yeller gets put down. And don't get me started on Bambi's mom -- she was going to get eaten! It's not like it was some kind of a wasted death or something."

"Well, personally I'm a cat man -- we're called the ninja cat samurai. But I understand your pain, okay?  So we like animals. And maybe some of us like viruses. Big deal. Seriously, though, what don't you understand?"

"It's just that everybody wants to see it happen; no species has to die, extinction is cruel, so it has to go away, and every environment has a nice place to go at the end of the day.  My God, the level of enthusiasm for such an idea is almost total among you humans, like 99.999% of all humans."

"Well, yeah. And that leftover 0.001% is executed with merciful lethal injection at the Atlanta Pen, so you might as well say it's an easy hundred-percent. Why does that bother you?"

"Because I really like you humans and you're orbiting the drain with this kind of an attitude! And there isn't even one of you who sees what's going on! Not one! I point out what's killing you in the evolution department, and everybody I talk to says 'yeah, it's great -- what's not to like?' as if I'm the guy who's holding up Heaven at a crosswalk nobody else recognizes. Humanity will go extinct because it would rather share the few resources available with every other species of life on this planet. You guys have even been willing to share what you've got with us, and we don't even like most of it!"

"Yeah, it's great.  So ... what's not to like?" 

This is a Saucer Press International Publication